Ranking ABC's Wednesday Comedies: How'd The B---- Do in Week 2?

Monday flew by, Tuesday came and went, and then we found ourselves in the middle of the week on Wednesday, a day like the air in the middle of a donut hole. Unless your donuts are actually fried dough envelopes for cream or jelly, in which case, hats off to you, life-liver. But which of ABC's Wednesday comedic delites were the light and delicious Krispy Kremes you'd walk a mile in the snow for, and which were the crushed-up, mushed-up, day-old crusty cruellers you find at the bottom of the Dunkin' Donuts box when you get to the office last? It's time for us to pour a cup of coffee, tuck a napkin into our collars, and bite into another...


The Middle

REEEERUUUUN. I made popcorn during and caught the first half-hour of Charles Dickens' "The Mystery of Edwin Drood." What did YOU do?

Suburgatory: "Entering Eden"

Okay, Clueless reunions aside, how adorable is it that Alicia Silverstone took time out of her busy schedule of chewing up different foods and spitting them into her kid's mouth just to be a sultry pregnant temptress on Suburgatory? This is one of the more twisted love triangles I've ever seen. I'm not sure if I am okay with the idea of a guy dating a woman carrying his friend's kid. It is weirdly incest-y, yes, but I think the bigger issue is, if a lady is having a baby for money, she probably isn't in a place in her life to make serious commitments, so maybe don't start a romance: Let her work on her "ish" (short for issue). As much as I loved the concept (and Noah/Alan Tudyk's hilarious announcement that he was going to have to top George with his announcement of a goo-goo ga-ga baby), the triangle was still completely overshadowed by Carly Chaikin's hilarious dead-eyed action-film stylings. After sweeping Yakult out of the house, Dahlia teamed up with Tessa to find the dog. There was a moment when Dahlia was shown putting on lip gloss in mid-stride during a slow-motion chase alongside Tessa that was amazing. Something about the way she did it—completely casually, not playing it up—just says everything about why this girl is a budding comic genius. Carly is just the best, guys. SHE WINS. Forever.

Score: 6.2

Modern Family: "The Last Walt"

I didn't realize it until Phil pointed it out, but we almost never see Claire smile. And when she does, damn. She goes from a 10 to a 10.5. Like, not to undermine her comedy skills but Julie Bowen is a lady Brad Pitt.

Jay being concerned that Mitch was seen as "the wife" in Mitch and Cam's marriage was a kind of cool and specific take on an older generation's view to same-sex relationships...the two dads veered into homophobic territory but made it clear that it was THEIR problem, not their sons'. It was way more believable than Phil trying to trigger a very pregnant waitress into delivering while he and Alex were eating at a diner. I think I can promise you no father has ever dreamed of delivering a stranger's baby alongside his teenage daughter. Nor would a mom creepy crawl a dead neighbor's house with her son...I hope.

Another slightly failed concept: a party at the Pritchett manse with Manny as a chaperone? I believe ultra-mature Manny would have that instinct, but not that he would get away with it. Kids who are strident or eccentric at that age get cut down fast. I don't think Manny would get far after snatching a red cup from a peer's hands...and Gloria's reaction, her fury at her son? Bizarre, considering she usually supports Manny's uniqueness.

Score: 5.1

Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23: "Daddy's Girl"

Okay, so setting your roommate up with your dad is maybe the creepiest plot to ever air on primetime. We know Chloe is a sociopath, and that’s part of the show, but it really makes me question if I can bear to root for the character. Seriously, everything about this show is hilarious until it starts to sink in that Chloe is a sociopath and I'm like, "I don't know if I can watch someone with the emotional maturity of a shark be treated like a person." Do y'all know what sociopaths are? Educate yourselves. They do not get better. Just as I was getting close to being okay with Chloe being heartless yet sporadically invested in her roommate, she pushed her own dad into a bike path and I thought, "I don't know if I can laugh at pure evil in a pretty ponytail. There is enough pure evil out there for realsies." Currently I am watching this show for James Van Der Beek, who spends each episode slyly winking at his former heartthrob status. And okay yes, for the overwhelming appeal of '90s nostalgia. You're not truly old until a show about two girls living in New York City brings back a memory you'd lost from your childhood. This episode, McGruff.

Score: 5.9

It's Suburgatory for the Winsday!!! Uh-oh, Suburgatory seems a lot stronger than former champ Happy Endings' intended replacement, Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23. Of course, in a couple weeks when we know The B----'s characters more, that could change. Especially if those characters are less evil? Just a suggestion.

But what about last week's Viewer's Choice Blue Ribbon Win?

Suburgatory crushed the competition with 7.6!

Don’t Trust the B----: 6.7

The Middle: 5.45

Modern Family: 4.95 (ouch!)

Overall Score: 6.2

So we all seemed to agree that Suburgatory was the clear winner, The B---- was okay and could get better, and that Modern Family was definitely lackluster last week (and this week, I’d say). Why is it that Modern Family is getting on our nerves so much? Is it too much of the same or simply that the show's writers are not providing enough stakes for the characters' problems? Or is it the cartoonish action married to the now-kind-of-dated single-cam, mockumentary style? Fill me in or just rate this week’s episodes to help your favorite show take the Blue Ribbon Win next week.


– Did you watch the Middle rerun?

– Would you date a pregnant lady/date a guy if you were surrogatin' another baby?

– Would Claire look even more beautiful if she gained five pounds?

– Is Chloe such a sociopath that you can't even bear the show or is that what makes the show fun?

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