Ranking ABC's Wednesday Comedies: The B---- Reigns Supreme

Ah, a Thursday in May: The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and as always, we're feeling judgmental. We've had a lot to think about from the comedy cavalcade that marched across our nation's screens last night like a middle school costume contest. But which kids were wearing polyester costumes from Rite Aid that their parents shoved into their nanny's hands seconds before they spun out the door, and which kids had painstakingly stayed up all night for three months crafting a period-correct '60s era astronaut costume complete with a bloody alien hand ripping out of the tummy panel? Let's pull out our gym teacher whistles and clipboards and award some cheap candy prizes, it's...


The Middle: "The Guidance Counselor"

Whoopi freakin' Goldberg, am I right?! Seriously Sue is my favorite part of The Middle and I was so in awe of how unflustered she was being across from a bona fide Great Comedian like Whoopi. Iconic comedians helping fledgling comedians, it's a beautiful thing. And when she tossed her hair to one side to assume a new high school name as Suki (all teens do! Even me, and I have the coolest name in the world! Yet at one point I considered having people call me Robyn. Can you imagine?) and then when she said "GLAADDDLLAAAY—that delivery was madness. Comic genius. Like, thank you Eden Sher, you are my jam. Meanwhile, Frankie and Mike's marriage death spiral slipped into the realm of projection, where they physically disassembled the bed they slept on in a desperate attempt to blame the discomfort of the mattress for their discomfort with each other. It's clear at this point they'd probably both rather sleep on the floor in that jumble of two-by-fours than next to each other.

Score: 6.1

Suburgatory: "Hear No Evil"

Okay, I am really sick of Eden. I don't think it's "looking for an opportunity to heal the world" to sneer at people watering their lawns instead of using them to do some subsistence farming. It's judgy. Having someone, even a loved one, rub your unclean feet hot out of your Pleather clogs should be illegal. And asking a doctor about how sex effects your fetus in front of your boyfriend's daughter is what a crazy person does!! (Although baby covering its little ears was a sliver of the lunacy I prize this show for.) Dallas described Eden best: She's a pregnant vagabond! I can't wait for the character to hit the road and head for her next insemination. Also I'm a little bothered by Tessa suddenly turning into a money-grubbing saleslady. And George inviting someone into their home without consulting Tessa first? It feels a little rushed, but I appreciate that the writers are stirring up some drama... (Is Lisa adopted? Will her DNA matzzzzzzz) and you can make the medicine go down with that spoonful of sugar called Ryan Shay. More of him, please!

Score: 6.4

Modern Family: "Planes, Trains, and Cars"

"Planes, Trains and Cars" should have been called "Toys." Lily lost a toy, Phil bought one, and Jay was desperate to show his off in Pebble Beach (a.k.a., Gloria). The car plot was the strongest arc. When Claire staggered out of the house like a twiggy marionette, her femur bones shakily balanced on her whisper-thin shin bones, clinking like a wind chime, who knew she would be turning cartwheels and cutting loose by the end of the episode? (I was kind of worried she would break a finger on a grain of sand.) Although I have to say, I didn't appreciate Mitch and Cam going out of their way to find a stuffed animal for Lily. Guess what, kid, the bunny's gone! End of story! Learn to deal with it! What is it with rich Los Angeles parents that they are so afraid to say no to their kids? No concept of discipline. It's called "spoiling" for a reason. Oh, she can't sleep without Bunny? It's called Nyquil! Look, I might be a terrible caretaker.

Score: 6

Don't Trust That Bitch in Apt. 23: "The Wedding"

Kevin Sorbo, am I right?! Also, I like confident Dreama Walker. She does a bitch face that will make your knees weak in the best way. Also, the name Dreama sounds like something Manson would christen one of his maybe-babies with up at the old family ranch, maybe her parents are hippies, and that explains her 1960s doe eyes? Anyway, I loved James VDB friend-cheating on Chloe. I loved his line that a wedding full of Midwesterners is his Academy Awards. JVDB has redefined the comeback in this role and it took a lot of chutzpah. Kevin Sorbo is right to jump on that bandwagon. How good was it to see him again?! (and being so sophistiqué and dry and effing funny! Give this man more roles!) Also, Dreama's hateful ex is so effing cute. I'm glad the show brought him back as well and please, stir him in like ginger ale into a Dark and Stormy. Also, autoharp player, also...this episode was effing rad. Agreed? Shake, spit.

Score: 7.2

Which means our winner is…

The mask of confidence and the stiff upper lip of Sorbo scooted Don't Trust the B---- in Apt. 23 right to the top of the pile. Whoopi Goldberg's comedic talents cannot be denied, giving The Middle a giant boost. Suburgatory was lackluster, but still a gem, and Modern Family continues to bore me on every level. But more importantly, what did YOU think of the comedy block this week?


– Did you try to pick a new name in high school?

– Does Eden get on your nerves on Suburgatory?

– How would you have handled Lily losing her toy?

– What was your favorite episode of the legendary '90s series Hercules?

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