In the very first episode of NBC's new mega-hit comedy Go On, Ryan King (Matthew Perry) attended his mandated support group and encouraged his fellow mourners to rank and compare their feelings of loss according to the degree of doodoo they're in. "Humans compete! We like rankings!" he said, before setting up a March Madness-style bracket to see who was rightfully the closest to suicide.
So using Ryan's lead, we've decided that we all need to figure out "who rules the land," and by "rules" we mean "is the best character" and "the land" we mean "on Go On," just in case you thought we were voting for the King of America or something. Below I've sorted out all the show's characters and at the bottom of this page I've included an OFFICIAL poll to determine which Go On actors will be happy for the rest of the day after reading this and which ones will end up sobbing into a bowl of ice cream or buying another cat.
Actor: Matthew Perry
Why he's in therapy: His wife died in a car accident!
His deal: Ryan is a sports-talk radio dude who's been forced into therapy by his boss. He's a chatty guy and genuinely likes helping everyone with their problems. Everyone but himself, it seems.
Mental stability: Very questionable! Not only is he in complete denial about his recovery and the pain that is turning his heart into a dark pit, but he also talks to his wife's ghost (who doesn't even think she's a ghost). So yeah, he's crazy.
TV.com says: As far as a leading character with extreme bouts of oscillating vocal pitch and head-bobbing goes, he's solid.
Actor: Laura Benanti
Why she's in therapy: She's the leader of the group, dummy!
Her deal: Lauren is just here to help, people. She may play the authority figure, but her only real training for the job was working for Weight Watchers as a success story. To earn extra cash, she works as a cashier at a hotel valet which is totally embarrassing! And sometimes she goes out in public on prescription sleeping pills and totally has no idea what's going on.
Mental stability: Strong! She's the leader, after all. Even when her authority is undermine, she likes to let things play out and crash down all over the underminer just to teach them a lesson.
TV.com says: Lauren should be totally lame, but she's surprisingly weird in her own way. Maybe it's just the low expectations I had for the person I thought would just be the obvious romantic interest for Ryan, but I like the direction she's headed in.
Actor: Julie White
Why she's in therapy: Her lesbian lover's heart exploded.
Her deal: She's been left sour after her partner's death, but I'm also willing to bet she was pretty pucker-y while she was alive, too. Her sadness has turned to anger, but take away the barrage of insults and short fuse and she's a pretty cool chick. Plus, the girl can drive!
Mental stability: Medium. Her anger could manifest into a nasty state of depression with disastrous results. But she's more of a danger to herself than anyone else, so keep the sharp objects away from her and enjoy yourself!
TV.com says: She's cranky. We like cranky.
Actor: Allison Miller
What she does at Ryan's work: She's Ryan's overworked assisstant.
Her deal: With Ryan's wife Janie out of the picture, a lot of Ryan's needs for attention fall on Carrie, and she's usually up to the task. Until we learn more about her, I'll consider her the cute secretary.
Mental stability: She might be the most normal of anyone on the show. Which kind of makes her the weird one, when you think about it.
TV.com says: I barely remember that Miller was in Terra Nova, so she's doing something right. But does her character's personality stand out above the riches of the rest of the cast?
Actor: Bill Cobbs
Why he's in therapy: He's old, blind, broke his hip, lost a toe... typical old people stuff times 100.
His deal: Do not underestimate George! Not only is he feisty, but there's an ocean of wisdom somewhere behind those non-functioning eyes. However, he still doesn't know what Megan Fox looks like, and that understandably bothers him.
Mental stability: No problems here. Perhaps he's just in the group to hang out?
TV.com says: He's one of the best in the group, easily. Put him near the top!
Actor: Suzy Nakamura
Why she's in therapy: We don't know for sure.
Her deal: Let's just say that Yolanda didn't exactly develop as fast as everyone else after living a sheltered life for the past couple decades. She's scared of sex and having fun, but extremely curious about both.
Mental stability: I wouldn't rule out the possibility of Yolanda going absolutely bonkers once she gets a taste of the good life. She's one Appletini away from a bender that's been stored up for years.
TV.com says: Yolanda started off as the character who didn't belong, but she's been built up with her own comedic voice. She's still a bit of an outlier, though, so let's wait until she goes on a rager before we put her in the top half.
Actor: John Cho
What he does at Ryan's work: He's Ryan's boss and best friend.
His deal: Steven is in a position of power, but he's a real get-along-guy boss. Friends forever with Ryan, he's Ryan's first choice for a shoulder to lean on. Does not mix well with anesthesia, or women apparently. Not afraid to pretend to be black if blind people think he's black.
Mental stability: Solid as a rock. No problems here.
TV.com says: Steven's surprisingly rich for a boss character because he's not treated like a boss character. There's room in the upper half for a good guy, right? Plus, we love Cho.
Actor: Brett Gelman
Why he's in therapy: This is the greatest mystery in the universe. Will it ever be solved!?!?!
His deal: Origins unknown. His people sent him to Earth to learn about human emotions and packed him a space suitcase full of sweaters.
Mental stability: Despite what you might think, this guy is actually not in bad shape. He's just weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeird. He might cuddle you to death. But if you're gonna go, having the life squeezed out of you by old beardy face isn't the worst.
TV.com says: Mr. K for president!
Actor: Tyler James Williams
Why he's in therapy: His brother is in a coma!
His deal: Owen is the most closed-off member of the group, a classic case of building walls after a trauma to keep people out. He's been transformed by his grief, and when flashes of old Owen (Old-wen?) shine through, he lights up the room.
Mental stability: Medium, but of all the people in the group, he might be the one who's most in danger of going down that slippery slope of crippling depression and hermit-itis.
TV.com says: He's the one I'm rooting for, as there's clearly a great young man here who lost a lot more than a brother in the accident.
Actor: Sarah Baker
Why she's in therapy: Her cat died! She really liked her cat.
Her deal: Sonia's a sad, sad case, but her enthusiasm and desire to be loved make her irresistible. She fills her empty void with cats, and I can relate to that.
Mental stability: She's a crazy cat lady, sure, but that isn't so bad compared to her fellow grievers.
TV.com says: She's a shlubby man in a woman's body and so pathetic that her efforts to be cool are hilarious. Maybe it's the cats, maybe it's the cluelessness, but I want to see Sonia somewhere near the top.
Actor: Tonita Castro
Why she's in therapy: I'm still working on my Spanish, but I think her husband, brother, and maybe more family members and maybe even her house slippers are dead.
Her deal: As far as I can tell, she might think she's in an English class and not grief therapy. She's still a... what's the Spanish word for "enigma"?
Mental stability: Rock solid. She does everything with a smile on her face and plenty gusto. She might be there just for friends.
TV.com says: She seems like a cool chick to hang out with and have cook for us, but is she anything more than the foreign weirdo? Not yet. Until she gets some real story, she shouldn't be ranked ahead of many others.
Actor: Seth Morris
Why he's in therapy: His wife is sleeping with another man. In his house. While he still lives there.
His deal: For several episodes, Danny was just the guy in the back who smiles a lot. But in "Big League Chew," we found out he lives in Denial City. Seriously, the guy created a whole town in his mind, and he vacations there instead of confronting his problems.
Mental stability: Arguably the weakest member of the group. If someone's climb to the top of a watchtower with a sniper rifle, it's lovable old Danny! And he'll scope you with a smile on his face while humming some of his favorite barbershop quartet doo-wops.
TV.com says: Learning about his troubles helped us understand him a bit more, but it didn't really put us at ease. We say mid-to-low ranking.
THAT GUY WHO WAS IN THE FIRST EPISODE AND THEN DISAPPEARED
Actor: Khary Payton
Why he's in therapy: Probably because he just lost his job on this show?
His deal: I don't really know. He was in the pilot, and then next thing you know he just disappeared.
Mental stability: Well, I guess he doesn't need therapy anymore, so he must be on the road to recovery. Congratulations, guy!
TV.com says: Right smack dab in last place. No one on Go On is annoying enough to be ranked after this disappearing act.