Read Charlie Sheen's Very Angry Open Letter to Chuck Lorre

The Charlie Sheen vs. Two and a Half Men fiasco has reached Epic Celebrity Meltdown Proportions in record time! When last we checked in, Charlie had called in to The Alex Jones Radio Show to deliver a 19-minute, gleefully incoherent, briefcases-of-blow-fueled rant about ungrateful charlatan and tin-can cobbler Chuck Lorre. At times it veered into more florid territory, as with one feverish riff that wove topics like digital haiku, siestas, and high-tech weaponry into a new form of urban rhyme: “I've got poetry in my fingertips, Most of the time—and this includes naps—I'm an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.” Right. Anyway, it all was enough to completely shut down production on Two and a Half Men, which elicited the following open letter response from Sheen:

What does this say about Haim Levine [ed. note: That would be Chuck Lorre] after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows ... I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can't handle my power and can't handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words—imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.

Remember these are my people ... not yours...we will continue on together...Charlie Sheen

So, from that I gather that Charlie has repositioned his stance on the editorial vanity cards Lorre ran at the end of last week’s episodes of Men and Mike & Molly. No longer are they cleverly devised little novels likening Charlie to Superman, but rather very public excoriations of a guy literally snorting and humping himself to death. You say “potato,” Charlie says “fire-breathing fists.” I think we can safely assume the Two and a Half Men set will stay dark for the foreseeable future. I mean, how do you really mend fences after an exchange like that? Does Mrs. Beasley make a muffin basket the size of the Statue of Liberty? I’m guessing no. Luckily, though, fans don’t have to worry that their favorite long-running sitcom will come to an unresolved end, as one industrious YouTube user has already skillfully edited together an extremely satisfying series finale. Check it out!

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