Every episode of Revenge moves along like it's the finale. Whereas a lot of other, lesser shows save a big surprise or a wad of information for the finale like the finale is dessert and the season is vegetables, Revenge gets the concept of entertainment and doesn't let a week go by without wowing its viewers. So as we approach next week's ACTUAL season finale, the question is not if, but HOW, Revenge will blow our minds (and this episode laid some serious track toward Mind-Blown Town, sister city to Shut-the-Eff-Up-Did-That-Just-Happen?! Ville).
Where to start? Well, we could start with the beginning, Emily frantically digging a grave that in retrospect seems way too large for a dog. (And frankly, burying anything in the shifting sands of a beach can be chancy. The last thing you want to think about during a lobster bake is a decomposing paw making its way through the dunes.)
Sammi, who by our casual guess-timations was well into his 378th dog year, died this episode, inexplicably coated in fake blood and using his last bit of strength to fight his way to Emily's door. We've often overlooked Sammi's loss in the David Clarke cover-up. This proud golden retriever SHOULD have spent his life on a beachfront property, frolicking amongst the waves and settling into a powder-blue brocade dog bed at night, but instead he was relegated to the back wharf of a Red Lobster, an injustice that clearly haunted Sammi in his final days. Jack had a far larger reaction to Sammi's death than to his own dad's and in his grief he and Emily MADE OUT. And this minx was giving them the side-eye through the window the whole time:
Do you think she'll hot-glue a bunch of gems into a mosaic of Emily and Jack kissing and mail it out as their save-the-dates? I wouldn't put anything past her. Also, cheers to another vixen who strutted back onscreen in the barest whisper of a kimono, showing a sexy swath of sternum—Lydia is back, everybody! Her bones have grown back together. I loved her and Conrad sipping their brandy simultaneously and glaring at Victoria when she dropped in at Conrad's bachelor pad. It was half a decadent slap in the face and half an invitation to a threesome. We know how randy Victoria gets when she catches sight of some abstract expressionism.
I also loved when Victoria slit open the painting in front of Lydia later. What's classier—knowing exactly where to slit open a painting to retrieve a hidden docket of evidence, or GASPING with SHOCK when someone stabs a painting? I must remember to gasp more about people sitting on expensive coats wrong or putting antique chairs too close to the fireplace. It makes one seem so knowledgeable.
Now about this new character—Burt Simmons. Be he friend or foe? This handsome, working-class technician seemed capable yet flustered when he—wait…WAIT…that's Nolan! With a touch of spirit gum and a fake soup-strainer. I really wish he had worn Jack's Biblical Mullet wig from last week and a Billy the Exterminator soul patch to really round out his Burt Simmons character.
Because Nolan is pure goodness, he risked his own neck to install a spy-cam in Karl Lagerfeld's house and sent the murderous Emily to the wrong address to prevent her from taking the irretrievable step of murder. He should have turned on his heel and fled as soon as he saw all those clocks on the wall. No sane person has more than three clocks on one wall. Nolan's thoughtful spy-cam installation unfortunately backfired on him, as we saw when the white-haired man appeared out of nowhere inside Nolan's house and CHOKED HIM OUT at the end of the episode. I have to believe that his multiple encounters with Emily and Tyler have taught him to play possum when confronted with a "certifiable sociopath," because as the Lord is my witness, if the writers try to kill Nolan off this show I will unleash the fury of every petition and mail-in campaign my rattled blogger's mind can compass.
But I have every confidence that Revenge knows Nolan is 99.9 percent of what keeps Emily likable and human (check out the Nolan/Emily shippers' videos if you want to see what true dedication to Revenge looks like), and also that threatening him will excuse ANY action of Emily's in the viewer's eyes. So if her bloody face—which ABC keeps teasing in promos—is from her disemboweling the white-haired man in Nolan's house, awesome. Nice and legal (he's an intruder) and we will forgive anything Emily does to defend Nolan, even if it involves a Lord of the Flies fugue state wherein she briefly paints her face with blood and runs around Nolan's house blowing an outsized shell to confuse her white-haired prey.
Also, sigh, Declan still exists and inexplicably has a curly-haired moppet from Yonkers THROWING herself at him, which led to complications when the very-wronged Charlotte showed up in his room asking if they could spend the night together.
See girls, this is why you should never buy and consume an extra-large freezer bag full of drugs: It makes you do stupid things, like returning to your horrible ex's crawlspace just in time for some crimped-hair ho to march out from his bathroom in his T-shirt and dress you down as being a walking tabloid. (And um, was she bottomless? Awkward.)
It's hard to blame Charlotte for turning to jumbo portions of drugs. Grayson manor is so very dicks against chicks these days. Daniel accepted the painting evidence from Victoria and then bragged to Conrad that she "buckled." I predict there will be a reckoning for that little snide comment.
Obviously the minutes will torture us until the finale next week, but we CAN enjoy laying out our predictions for the finale!
For one thing, I'm fairly certain Emily is going to kill that white-haired dude to save Nolan. But tell me what you think of these other bits of speculation:
1. Will Jack put two and two together and make four and then, in the confident post-successful-arithmetic glow, realize Emily is Amanda?
2. Will Lydia join forces with Victoria to topple Conrad?
3. Will Ashley tattle on Emily kissing Jack to Daniel?
4. What are your predictions for next week’s season finale?