Revenge "Intuition" Review: It's Rainin' Pregnant Women

Revenge S02E04: "Intuition"

If the Graysons come for you, move to a one-story ranch. Or crash in a friend's wine cellar (sleepin' bags and grigio, yo). Stay low to the ground, is my point, because besides bouncing you off a taxi they will also send a bitch flying off a balustrade.

I respect any show with the audacity to depict an eight-months-pregnant woman tumbling head over heels from an indoor balcony, but of course you add that to onscreen attempted child murder and suddenly "Intuition" could stand in as the series' Halloween episode / my new favorite comedy. Come on guys, I was shocked to see Fauxmanda getting thrown a flight backward at a baby shower, but that whole interlude was hilarious, from Fauxmanda bringing a cadre of angry-looking exotic dancers to Victoria's immediate response to watching someone fly backward over a balcony to scream for the help: "MAAARTHA!!!" And wow, who can forget Victoria announcing, "Charlotte, would you escort the ladies to the conservatory for petit fours?" Like, these are comedy choices. Don't tell me there's not a cut scene with some of Fauxmanda's stripper friends trotting into the conservatory and making faces at the petit fours while Charlotte wrings her hands and tries not ask if any of them have pills.

"What are these, broke-down cupcakes? Some kinda mini Debbie snack cake?"

"I can't eat no freakin' Debbie Snack cakes right now, I'm back on the pole at five and if I got sugar bloat it throws off my hula hoop trick."

"Check it out this globe got liquor bottles in it!"

And let's not forget Nolan FALLING THROUGH A BOX trying to kiss Padma. Aside from the moment of endearing slapstick, Revenge gave Nolan an emotionally juicy arc with the revelation his father had and he actually kind of made it incredibly meaningful? In a series where offscreen characters drop like flies, Nolan's reaction (and subsequent donning of a black dress shirt) was actually very authentic and kind of touching and made me forget no one had actually died, which is I guess what good acting is supposed to do.

And then that was spiked with the moment of endearing slapstick.

Are you relieved Padma's looking out for Nolan? It's like Nolan has a Nolan now and Lord, does he need it. Obviously it's too soon to trust her guys, but I respect that Padma hasn't slammed her own head against a dock piling a la Tyler and that she's not ashamed to ask for a dinner date date in Paris. Go big or go home when you're flirting with trillionaires, right? Also hopefully ABC will soon auction off the brilliant Nolan binder he flipped through at his desk, how much do you want that thing?! Art department overdid themselves on this one and I can think of no book I'd rather leave opened on my coffee table at cocktail parties:

Thoughtfully, Nolan's dad did NOT weave a roadmap for revenge into this binder. Leave that to shady old David Clarke, who apparently was as secretive as his wife and daughter, telling Emily her mom was dead when actually she was just, you know, a child murderer.

While we're talking about great acting, can I get a round of clappity-claps for Jennifer Jason Leigh? She's such a naturalistic actress, but she's playing her character so naturally it almost kind of doesn't jibe with her larger-than-life whisper-screaming scene partner Aidan, making her seem—in comparison to his Kiefer Sutherland ca. 24—like a confused Marina del Rey woman who walked onto the set of Revenge from off the street while looking for a public bathroom to wash her hands and now is pretty angry that actors keep talking to her. It delights me.

Anyway, I love how easily she manipulated him with the, "Oh there's a drive in there with a bunch of secrets" ploy and then tased the eff out of him. I'm not so crazy about the apparent child murder.

Either Emily's remembering it wrong, or her mom actually had a good reason for forcing her head under the surface of the ocean (lice), or she's just a new big bad for Emily to spar with. If she's the new big bad she's an exceptionally cruel one: tying a man's hands together and then smearing them with jam? That would drive anyone bonkers!

Personally I think there's going to be some preposterous / understandable reason she was holding Emily underwater, and then it will be revealed that Victoria twisted things around to make her look like a killer and got her put in the psych ward. She did appear at Fauxmanda's bedside moments before she apparently flat-lined, triggering Emily's latent murder memory.

I am going to be so bummed if they have truly killed off Fauxmanda. I know that her death clears the way for Godmother Emily to move Jack into her drafty beach house and solve all his many, many, many financial problems but honestly I kind of love Fauxmanda. As long as we haven't seen a funeral scene I'm going to hold out hope for her recovery, flatline sound effect be damned. If Lydia could survive a taxi bounce then I'd say Fauxmanda's odds still look pretty good.

So after seeing her plans unravel and her only true friend die, and remembering her mother had attempted to kill her, Emily sat down in her living room with ALL THE WINDOWS OPEN. Some people call friends over, some people update their status to "#bored who wants to hang out?," but Emily opens every damn French window and sure enough, someone will join her for a rassling match.

A comforting rassling match. Just take this one, Emily. You need some warm fuzzies. In other news:

– The Graysons may constantly be at each other's throats trapped in the web of each other's lies but they still believe in a daily formal breakfast with the good silver.

– Daniel is on to Ashley's back-stabbing shenanigans and he is also all up ON Ashley if you get my drift.

– Declan draped his jacket around Charlotte at the hospital, in a moment where both characters quietly realized she could never fit her lady arms into the tiny sleeves of his children's clothes.

– Jack offered a man $2,500 dollars cash that I suppose he had on his person in order to bribe the safety inspector.

– The Intiative is all powerful and Conrad is a busy busy businessman, but when they need to talk, they set aside a day to drive out to some forsaken swampland for an extremely vague and unproductive 20-second conversation. Because that’s how busy people work.


1. Emily's mom: psycho killer or more to the story?

2. Fauxmanda: RIP or miraculous recovery ahoy?

3. Did Emily dress even sexier than the strippers for that baby shower?

4. Did you laugh when the woman from the Intiative showed up in a leather shrug like a maitre d' at a bondage buffet?

5. CAN VICTORIA BE STOPPED?!?! (No she can't, obviously, thank goodness.)

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