Revenge: Prison Breaks

Well hello, new Stripper Friend!

Are you still reeling from last night's episode of Revenge? Should we all talk about Tyler and Nolan right now? Because I am so conflicted about that storyline. On the one hand, hurray for ABC for taking a leap. The show didn't show us the man-on-man kiss, which is lame, but it's nice that it made a beloved main character happily gay! (The other big revelation about Nolan last night: chiseled abs!!)

Or did it? Help me out: Here we have a mainstream network showing a steamy gay storyline (which is so rare; gays are so often depicted as asexual aesthetes), but Tyler is clearly supposed to be a threatening deviant, ready to roofie his best friend at a moment's notice. Also, both characters side-stepped the term gay and claimed "sexually ambiguous" identities. So is this a step forward or a step back? Hinting at Tyler and Nolan's steamy bedtime tumbles seems progressive to me, but what do I know?

The progress we can count on is that of Revenge going from Lifetime-quality humdrum drama to fascinating trashy nighttime soap. We now have a woman recuperating in the hospital who might reveal a terrible secret. Lydia should be SO much more messed up than she appeared. A broken arm and a head bandage?!?! She squashed a sedan! Victoria, meanwhile, seemed distraught (or at least too worried to deep-condition her ends), and protected Lydia from Frank.

I absolutely loved the warden Emily called after Frank turned up in her house in an attempt to find dirt on her so he can make nice with Victoria. Who is this goddess?

Too bad she was absolutely no help to Emily. Apparently Emily bought her former prison a whole library and is in cahoots with the warden, but didn't get C.C.H. Pounder to destroy incriminating files? I'm guess I'm not complaining, because ultimately the files Frank found led him to a really conservative bikini bar. Didn't the dancers seem kind of warm in their outfits? Those were some demure strippers.

Frank quickly identified Emily's old cellmate, the real Emily Thorne, and she agreed to meet him in the parking lot after her shift—at which point she cracked his skull with the Clue pipe. Twice. While he was on the phone with Victoria. This was completely unexpected and rad. Thank goodness the episode ended with the Stripper Murderess showing up in the "Hamptons." I have a feeling she is going to be to this show what clingy jersey fabric is to Forever 21. Also: Do I detect hints of a same-sex romance between Emily and Stripper Friend? It's hard for me to focus on anything other than those raven locks , but I sensed some chemistry.

Certainly more chemistry than exists between Emily and Jack. Emily showed up at The Stowaway, which in a genuinely funny moment was chock full of ladies (ordering sugar-free margaritas, hahaha) because news had gotten out that Daniel "tends bar" there. (One never bartends in the "Hamptons," he "tends bar.") Despite being surrounded by ladies and having the dashing good looks of a chubby Johnny Depp, Jack was still just moping like a lonely creepster. And shame on you, Emily, for encouraging him! Leaving your doors unlocked and making eye contact with Jack is like asking to be put in a gimp suit and held captive under your own trap door.

Declan agrees with me: He was super defensive about his brother's ham-fisted attempts at romance. Charlotte brought Declan to her parent's anniversary dinner and he was immediately the worst guest in history. He called out Emily for jerking his stalker brother around (awkward), insulted everyone at the table, then hopped off his chair and fled the room, which made Charlotte feel all warm and fuzzy inside. So officially begins another classic soap opera trope: wrong-side-of-the-tracks romance!

Also: Emily's green wrap dress with shoulder pads seemed like a nod to Dynasty.

As far as I am concerned, last night's episode marked a countdown to a lily pond fight. And I can't think of a better reason to keep watching.


... Tyler and Nolan: progressively sexy gay storyline or kind of homophobic?

… Tyler and Ashley: Will they still maintain a romantic element in their relationship or are they more like conspiracy buddies?

… Emily said Daniel is not a target. Does that mean she's really in love with him?

… Did you catch that the show used the Kurt Vile song "In My Baby's Arms" when Emily and Daniel were frolicking in what must be, at this time of year, ice cold waves? Hipster in the sound department, holla!

… Is Revenge our generation's Dynasty?

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