First off and foremost, I want to establish that Victoria Grayson, doyenne of the "Hamptons," managed to get the upper hand on Revenge's biggest villain by inviting her ex-husband to beat her face to a pulp and chaining herself to a radiator. That happened. For a while I thought I had dreamed that, but here is hard evidence:
Oh, it happened.
Secondly, let's welcome these new cast members and congratulate them on easily the best decision of their lives, coming to the "Hamptons":
Sinister Preppy Friend
A dapper young man who's smile faded into a haunting mask of crazy once Declan's back was turned. Is he going to be the one who rips out Declan's gross beardette and throws it into the ocean? Fingers crossed!
Pushy Nerdy Sexy CFO
Nolan's multi-billion corporation is finally getting an onscreen nod with this type-A minx who because the 7th or 8th character to walk unimpeded off the street and into Emily's beach house. Lock the doors, Ems! Serious talk though: possible love interest for Nolan?
Yes, I know he appeared last week and yes, I know Protectoress is a female noun but damn if it doesn't suit his maternal care and concern for Emily. From lovingly keeping her in his crosshairs to saving her from the White-Haired Man (when she inexplicably let down her guard around for 30 seconds), he's like a proud Irish lion-mother roaring over his golden-haired cub. No, I don't know that he's Irish. Shhhh, Just go with it.
In addition to this positive infestation of unknowns, the "Hamptons" also saw the triumphant return of Victoria (please let there be another gala dinner within the next one or two episodes), resetting our beloved arch-enemies-who-live-next-door dynamic. Charlotte also got sprung out of rehab by Daniel, unfortunately, after her ginormous trust fund had been drained by Conrad. And then Daniel, in a typically bone-headed move, gave all of HIS money to Charlotte to replace the amount taken from hers.
That's going to be a LOT of Adderall and lip gloss!
It cracked me up when he then turned to Ashley and invited her out for drinks. LOL, you're paying, Ashley! He just gave all his money to his teenage sister.
Despite not trusting Charlotte's financial-planning skills, I found it weirdly upsetting that Emily once again set Fauxmanda up for an emotional moment that was rightfully hers, driving Charlotte out to meet her 'sister' and watching with a look of pain on her face. What are you even getting out of this, EmEm? Yes, originally Charlotte was going to move in with Emily and Nolan (meaning no more snapping on Victoria while spying on her via ClamCam on the couch after dinner!), but now that that's changed and Victoria and Charlotte are reinstated in their big old mansion, it seems like Emily's ultimate victim is herself.
At Grayson Global, which is becoming an increasingly on-screen presence, Ashley walked into Conrad's office in literally the cutest red dress in the world and revealed to us that she's working with Conrad to manipulate and monitor Daniel. Ashley and Emily had so much more in common than they realized, if only they'd had one honest conversation they probably would have stayed BFFs. ("Did you ever accidentally laugh when Daniel insisted on reading his poetry aloud to you?" "Girl, when we were engaged I had to turn my back and bite on a damn wooden spoon to keep from cackling in his face." "LOL! Pour me some more greeeege.")
Given the absence of Lydia and the social-climbing inclinations of Ashley, is it NOW safe to assume they're having a torrid affair? Where is Lydia, by the way? Did she go down with the plane or was she just upstairs at the cabin marathoning a box set of Desperate Housewives?
Also seriously confusing to me is the relationship between Victoria and the White-Haired Man:
1. He was supposed to kill Victoria (we saw him tinkering with her plane).
2. He's a part of the Initiative but is holding them at bay for Victoria's sake.
3. He's double crossing the Initiative, an all-powerful TERRORIST agency that thinks nothing of killing elite federal agents, for some money?
Honestly I do not want to know any of the logistics involved with Victoria's survival. Her stepping onto a plane, being confirmed dead, and then reappearing in a cabin in the woods is glamorously ridiculous and perfect just the way it is. However I do want to know if there was something motivating the White-Haired Man to double-cross the Initiative for Victoria besides Charlotte's lipstick-and-pills fund. (Is it worth risking the fury of an all-powerful shadow corporation for all the cuckoo clocks you could want ?)
I also want to know where he'd seen a ClamCam before.
The fact that Victoria so easily foiled this major Big Bad character with a simple "beat myself up and call the police" routine—and then taunted him while chained to a radiator as her face did a Phantom of the Opera impression—is one of the most wildly inappropriate, visually arresting, and batshit crazy things I’ve ever seen on network TV. Madeleine Stowe is bringing the full force of her incredible talent to bear on a character who is now certifiably insane, and the combination is truly more important than the moment nacho chips first met nacho cheese and I do NOT say that lightly. The promo clips of Victoria swanning around her mansion in her evening dress with her bandaged face are seriously giving me chills.
Also, while we're talking about the Intiative: Is it suspicious that Nolan's sexy nerd financial analyst knew he lived with Emily? Is it possible she was sent by the Initiative to recommend an Initiative-allied CFO who would help undermine the auditing process and get Nolancorp's assets frozen? Whatever, I am going to just sit back and relax and enjoy the ride, frankly. This show got writers and I trust them in a way I trust the writers of no other show: to be consistently entertaining.
Although as a full-time blogger, Nolan's work attire hit a little too close too home. Not that I've given any Katie Couric interviews butt-ass naked, but there is not an hour in the day that I look professional. It's reprehensible pajamas by day and booty-shorts and cha-cha heels by night. Such is the blogger's way.
Meanwhile, at the Red Lobster, Declan was doing untold water damage to the walls while Jack and Fauxmanda tried to patch up their broken relationship with a paternity test, which Emily lied to Fauxmanda about! TSK TSK TSK I would have done the same thing but GIRL THAT IS WRONG!
To be clear, the baby is definitely Jack's, but Emily told Fauxmanda it wasn't in an ultra-bitchy move that's almost as unforgivable as kicking Nolan out for the night. And really, Emily, it's almost unforgivable.
While Revenge continually asks us to see Jack and Emily as soulmates, Jack and Fauxmanda seem a lot better suited for each other. I can't see Jack being a worthy partner for Emily in a game of Pictionary, let alone life. Guy is kind of dumb! Not the actor, who for all I know is an amateur botanist in his spare time, but the character of Jack is thick as hell sometimes. But so is Fauxmanda the character, and these two simple folk seem to genuinely enjoy swabbin' down the old Red Lobster bar and serving drinks, while Emily's hobbies are creating intricate alter egos and subjugating her emotions into an all-consuming lust for revenge.
So why poison Fauxmanda's chance at happiness? Fauxmanda is a ride-or-die bestie who slavishly murdered Frank to protect Emily (and even gave up her lucrative stripping career!).
Emily's karmic retribution came fast and furious in the guise of the White-Haired Man and his trusty shiv. Incredibly, Emily was surprised by his attack despite the fact she was flaunting her ClamCam footage at him. But thank goodness for her proud Irish Proctectoress.
We can expect a STORM of exposition when the Protectoress shakes Emily to her senses and hopefully fills her in on what Grayson Global's up to. It may or may not happen in Japanese with an Irish accent.
"Resurrection" reset the series in ways I love: Victoria is back. The Graysons are together, and Daniel is smitten with Emily anew. But Emily took a couple steps back, banishing Nolan from the house and putting distance between the two of them again (Nolan doesn't want to be her sidekick anymore? Awwww). Emily was kind of a jerk in this episode.
But how can you deny an episode that featured Conrad eagerly shucking his jacket to beat up Victoria?
INSANITY. I can say with certainty there is nothing on TV as crazy as Revenge and the emotionally unsatisfying element (some call it "tension") is going to make me just that much more eager for next Sunday.
– Dapper Preppy Kid: What's his angle?
– New CFO is a possible romantic interest?
– Will Fauxmanda be so stressed about Emily's paternity lie that she leaves Jack?
– Does the fact that Emily lied about the paternity to Fauxmanda make you like Fauxmanda a little bit more?
– How did the White-Haired Man recognize the ClamCam?
– How do you dress for work?