Last night's episode of Revenge represented quite a shakeup in the Hamptons, especially in the collar department. I'm sorry, but a little respect:
A tailored poet's blouse? And on top of that, a heretofore inconceivable double-collar dress shirt that's butterfly-popped on Nolan?
Like a proud Monarch arching its wings to the sunlight, Revenge writers unfurled a stunning, game-changing episode with "Revelations," much like they've done in every episode this season because that’s basically what they do. I might as well tell you Batman saved Gotham or a cat sat on someone's face: That’s the promise Revenge delivers on like an ambitious pizza boy on crack-cocaine.
Emily and Aidan, in spy sync like Mr. and Mrs Smith, appeared at a shooting party (lol) in matching vests (lol) where a new dodgy 1% tycoon, a cross between the Dos Equis guy and Indiana Jones, was wearing jodhpurs and leering at Ashley and dangling a deciding vote on the upcoming contest between Daniel and Conrad for King of the Graysons that Monday. Victoria and Conrad laid out the stakes for us when the Initiative woman took a break from playing a Nintendo handheld in her car to call them up and remind them that if Daniel won the board's vote, he'd be in trouble, and if they warned him, he would also be in trouble. Victoria played it cool by screaming murder threats on speaker phone. (Don't worry, the help is used to it, they just assumed she was talking to an Ice Sculpture artist or something.)
While the tension of Nolan losing his company and Conrad and Daniel was promising enough, imagine my delight when this turned into a good, old-fashioned takedown episode of ASHLEY! Not that I wanted my girl crush taken down, but the idea of her being featured in the intrigue at last, at long last, was incredibly appealing. And the previous week's reveal that she'd practically been a Russian mob escort set the stage for the rather ridiculous business arrangement she fell into last night.
"Victoria's summoning her to Salvatore's bed" is a phrase I would expect a character with a powdered wig to say while snapping open a fan, but we heard it last night from my lovah Aidan after he and Emily had forwarded her sex tape to Victoria via the Windows phone. These Windows phones have become practically supporting characters in the last few weeks, and I'm frankly surprised no one's explicitly said "Hand me your Windows phone, now available at Best Buy superstores with a two-year contract for only $399!" ...but I'm keeping an ear out. Christmas shopping, folks! Don't forget Nordstrom, rich folks, and Target, Porters!
Anyway, your suspicions were correct, commenters: Ashley and Conrad totally did it on what appeared to be a piano, before she started dating Daniel and after he'd separated from Victoria, obviously still kind of incest-y, but still ethically a gray area. Of course, Victoria would use that as leverage to tip Ashley into being a pro bono escort and it was up to Emily and Aidan to save Victoria from yet another brush with the world's oldest customer service job. Of course that would have to involve breaking Daniel's mighty, poetic heart.
If he broke off an engagement after Emily and Jack gently pressed lips, imagine his horror at seeing Ashley in a white robe chilling with Mr. Jodhpurs. I did love his quick thinking in snapping a photo of them as leverage for the man's vote. You learn to swim fast in a shark tank, chum!
Meanwhile this was the episode from hell for poor Nolan, getting gouged by Daniel, losing control of his company, and then being betrayed by an ex who then pressed him for a job. The world's longest day! And on top of that, to get a request to do some gumshoe detecting on Jack's new business bros?
Let me tell you, Trucco is the only thing making this Stowaway plotline even barely digestible and oh wait no he actually isn't. This plotline is killing me by inches and has gone so far afield of every other story arc on the show I'm starting to wonder if the writers actually will kill Jack off. Jack is now wise to the fact that the two relative strangers who have been volunteering their time helping with scut work at the bar might have an ulterior motive and be killers! Hey daddy, that's your cue to pack your girlfriend, bro, and baby into the ship and get the hell out of the Hamptons. You've always hated the Stowaway, it’s a rat's nest soaked in vinegar, and you've got Charlotte sitting up on the bar every night regaling people by talking trash on her family.
This bitch, seriously. First of all, little miss pill addict, nice place to continue your recovery. Secondly, whoever is doing dresses might like her even less than I do, she's turning the character into a Madame Alexander doll. Remember when the series started and she minced around looking cool in bikinis and Blake Lively gear? Every episode she's in some starched Lolita frock looking like a chump. You're what now, Charlotte, 19? Get some effing pants.
Nolan should just buy the bar, period. Then Emily could give him some start-up cash and he could knock it down and install something worth running and eventually the Porters could earn enough money to move out of the crawlspace and get the baby away from the asbestos. I have to say I absolutely love Emily with Aidan.
I didn't realize what a relief it would be to see Emily being honest with someone (like when she broke it down about Jack: no secrets!) and resting her banana curls on someone's shoulder. The promo that followed this episode truly worried me that once again she'll be forced to sublimate her true feelings to kowtow to Daniel. Intrigue upon intrigue! Surely that was what Victoria was suggesting with her late-night booty call to Emily—to influence Daniel and save his life from the Initiative, who've installed a Clock Cam in his office.
Wow that thing is big and ugly. How dare they imagine he would keep it out in his office! The Whale Cam is so much less obtrusive in comparison. Speaking of obtrusive, why does Daniel have a giant picture of hair in he and Ashley's bedroom?
Now just his bedroom, damn. The good thing about Ashley's takedown: We finally got to see her cross swords with Victoria... I wish she had gotten some more heinous lines to lob at Victoria, but instead she begged for mercy. (Although of course her Seductive Red dress made me practically cry and she hilariously told Daniel she had to go butter up some investors. Butter, KY, whatever.) Then she packed her luxurious leather bag and skedaddled out of the manor. Don't assume that she's going straight to a Russian mobster to sell her body, though, I'm sure she'll get installed in some kind of interesting apartment and maybe even eventually work her way into Emily's? Nolan's? The Porters' crawlspace? Surely not the Porters' Crawlspace—Ashley is a delicate hothouse flower and I feel like she would shrivel up and die the first time she came across a peanut shell on the floor.
All in all, the scion of the Graysons is now a more key player than ever and everything's lined up for him and Emily to do yet another dance of deceit. The only difference is that Emily has lost one love in pursuing Daniel, will she dare risk another?!
1. Where will Ashley live now?
2. Is the Initiative serious with that clock?
3. Would Nolan do better to go with Marco or Padma?
4. Can you stand the Stowaway storyline?