Victoria Grayson, we bow down. Emily Thorne, take note: THIS is how justice is dispensed. While our Revenge heroine was dissolving in an ocean of tears at her true love's surfside wedding, Mama Grizzly was spilling blood at Grayson Manor.
"Union" opened with Emily's rosy-hued flashback to the make-believe wedding she staged as a child to her beloved Jack Porter; now, Fauxmanda, the Dementor consuming Emily's soul and destroying everything that is good, is marrying Jack instead.
Recruited to perform the ceremony, Nolan offered the best quip of the night:
"Who knew officiant was French for 'wedding bitch'?"
The bridal babes, see, had more pressing matters to attend to, like rescuing Jack. Again.
The creepily clean-shaven barkeep has become such a pathetic, oblivious idiot that it's impossible to see why he deserves the love of Emily or Amanda. Even his own dog (RIP, Sammy!) fled in disgust. (Okay, yes, technically Sammy was Emily's dog. But still.)
In just two scenes, the juvie pals swiftly tied up the meandering Stowaway storyline that I've only tolerated because of my trusty fast-forward button. First, Emily wrote a check to buy back Conrad Grayson's share in the bar. Then, because Conrad's plans involve casinos and condos, Fauxmanda broke into Emily's computer (correctly guessing that the password was "infinity," sigh) and threatened Mr. Moneybags with all that incriminating video footage from Shamu and the Clam-Cam.
Predictably, one-note Nate Ryan bristled at Porter's new "leverage" and offered to "remove" it. (Does his scheme result in the removal of, say, his arm from his body after the explosion of Jack's boat?)
Aiden was really mad too… and really sweaty, demanding that Nolan scrutinize his sister's snuff video for clues. Nolan not only determined that it was created six years ago in Jersey City, but discovered Colleen's coroner's report and led Aiden and Emily to her grave in a potter's field.
There's a reason this hacker became a billionaire—he isn't always gullible and naive.
In fact, Nolan suspected the Initiative might be using Padma. And even though Emily didn't care, he confronted his CFO, who confirmed that the terrorist group kidnapped her dad. Meanwhile, priorities! Nolan was due to don a fabulous platinum paisley and marry some folks!
The Graysons weren't invited to Jack and Fauxmanda's wedding, which was awesome because their storyline suddenly got way more interesting. Victoria learned that the Initiative was manipulating Daniel into becoming another fall guy like David Clarke. After a series of protective maneuvers, Victoria ended up pointing a gun at Helen in the Grayson poolhouse.
Like Helen herself, the last thing I expected was for the Grayson matriarch to actually pull the trigger. Like most of the characters I love—and love to hate—Victoria has become weak and helpless this season.
Not anymore. She aimed and fired and Helen dropped dead on the floor. Even better, Conrad then barged in with the news about a "rather extraordinary problem on our hands." She replied, "I'll go first," gestured at the floor, and then stepped over Helen's body to refresh her drink.
Victoria's ascendancy made it that much harder to endure Emily's abject failure, watching Fauxmanda steal her fairy-tale happy ending.
There is one consolation: We know that Mr. and Mrs. Porter's honeymoon cruise ends in the death of at least one obnoxious character.
So riddle me this:
1. Who dies on The Amanda?
2. How does the boat explode?
3. Is Padma playing Nolan?
4. Declan, Charlotte and Carl: spin-off?
5. Why does Daniel still live with his parents?