Listen, if we're going to accept that microscopic robots can eat electricity and, as such, are responsible for Revolution's big blackout (we've agreed that we're all drinking enough cough syrup until we accept that, right?), then we have to accept that Aaron can jam a pill of nanites into Rachel's broken tibia and the magic wonderbots will heal that shit up. And you know what? I believe that a lot more than I belived Nora and Charlie's behavior in last night's episode, which was messy and more fractured and broken than Rachel's leg ever was.
"The Longest Day" was one long hour of meandering mayhem. It created stories out of nowhere, killed off a character it didn't need to kill off, and clumsily put Nora in Monroe's clutches because the guy was really lonely. But its greatest crime was cheap relationship jumpstarting that was as romantic as a game of Spin the Bottle. Oh and by the way, "The Longest Day" also had a drone strike (and for that we blame you, Obama!).
Need a sign to tell you whether you just watched a bad episode of television? Ask yourself what it was about, and if you can't answer that, it was a bad episode. I don't know what "The Longest Day" was about. Finding Charlie in the rubble? Healing Rachel? Miles and Nora's relationship? Monroe killing all his friends? Neville saving Jason? Who knows? A sequence of things occurred, but little progress was made. I can't tell you what the episode was about, but I can at least try to tell you what happened.
Things started with that drone strike, because Monroe has drones now. I guess they were in his garage next to the lawnmower and the artificial Christmas tree, you know, just waiting for some electricity. Also, drones need satellites in order to operate. So I guess Monroe launched a satellite. With its own power. If Monroe really wanted to take over the country, he'd just start a monopoly on cell phones since he's the only one who has a satellite in the air. For a show that's built on electricity being hard to come by, electricity sure isn't that hard to come by. (Although I suppose satellites could still be in the air, but would they be operational 15 years after the blackout on terra firma? And how would Monroe's drones connect to them?)
Anyway, these drones and their magical sources of electricity attacked the rebel base turning an army of 300 into about 30, with five of those survivors being Miles, Nora, Neville, Jason, and Charlie. Lady Luck was on their side again! With Monroe's men coming to clean up the survivors and Charlie and Jason missing in action, it appeared a hunt for Charlie and Jason would make up the main direction of the episode. Except Miles, Nora, and Neville quickly found Jason, and Charlie, who was buried beneath a pile of rubble, got out on her own. So that wasn't it. Miles mentioned something about a mole in their camp being the reason Monroe found their location, and for a second that looked like it might be what the episode was about, but it was never mentioned again and will be the meat of next week's episode. Miles and Nora kind of had some relationship stuff going on, but that wasn't really big enough. And the drone strike and the Monroe invasion didn't even seem to be the most important part of the episode. I think "The Longest Day" was one long deleted scene that accidentally aired.
I'm being honest when I say not much else happened with this story until Revolution's trademark late-episode gunfight broke out (P.S. okay, now that bullet shortage is officially a bullet crisis, because both sides went through a Charleton Heston-sized amount). Miles and Nora exchanged gunfire with Monroe Milita (with a break in the action to have a heart-to-heart talk, very kind of Monroe's men to stop shooting at them during that), and then Nora got up and ran one way and Charlie got out of the rubble and ran the other way. Miles was left with a decision and went after Charlie, because that was the original plan (and she's his daughter I'm guessing), saved her life for the 1,364,825th time, but now Nora was missing! Miles needs to put a leash on these ladies, or chain 'em up like Michonne did to her "pets" in The Walking Dead, because letting them run free and make choices on their own just isn't working out. This war would be over by now if Charlie and Nora sat in one place for five minutes. Elsewhere, Neville was rescuing his son Jason, who looked HORRIBLE by the way, after asking his son to "finish the job" from last episode and kill him earlier.
Charlie back in the basket, the action skipped a bunch of things and jumped forward to a hospital bed where Jason was recovering and Charlie was hovering over him like the darling angel she is. I honestly thought this was a dream sequence of Jason's, because everything looked super nice and he's obsessed with Charlie so of course she'd be petting his forehead and giving him kiss-me eyes and puckering those juicy caterpillars for lips she has. Then I definitely thought it was a dream sequence when they started making out because Charlie really hasn't shown any romantic interest in him so it wouldn't make sense that Charlie sucked his face. But it wasn't a dream! It was very real! And Peeping Tom Neville witnessed the whole thing and was not pleased. That's two weeks in a row that Revolution's ladies threw themselves at guys out of nowhere to create unnecessary drama, with Nora showing up naked in Miles' room last week being the other. (She would say it was a mistake early in this episode, but then later admit to "not wanting to lose him." Make your damn mind up, Nora.) Just because we all know that Charlie and Jason are eventually going to get together and Nora and Miles are also meant to be, it doesn't mean the show can just skip straight to the sexy times without some kind of courtship. Make 'em work for love!
Aaron and Rachel stopped by an old electronics store, where Aaron used an old boxy Macintosh to reprogram the flashing blue pill thingy that Rachel dug out of Danny to heal broken bones in legs. Then he jammed it into Rachel's leg hole and fixed Rachel's leg in 10 seconds. This is a legitimate make-or-break moment for viewers, because it's bonkers ridiculous. But if you've been hanging on to this show for this long, a little super pill won't keep you from watching more. This pill can fix broken bone and ripped skin in as much time as it takes to tie a pair of shoes, but Danny still had coughing fits with it in?
Conveniently in the blink of an eye it took for the pill to heal Rachel's leg, a group of Great Plains yahoos walked in and witnessed the miracle of ludicrous technology. Instead of shoot Rachel and Aaron in the face for their food-stealing crimes (oh yeah and murder), the natives treated them like deities and asked them to help an injured kid. This would have made an interesting plot, except before it could develop Rachel went totally Rachel on the guy and cracked his skull to knock him out, God, I love Rachel. Aaron wondered why they weren't using the technology and electricity to help people, and then Rachel bore into his soul with the icy stare of death and said, "I want power so Monroe's enemies can wipe him off the map. I want to kill the man who killed my son, and that's it." This woman is pure evil. I love it. However, I already knew that, so I don't know what the point of this whole story was. Again, what was this episode about?
In a series of flashbacks, we jumped back seven years to when Rachel left her family to meet Miles in Monroe's Militia. Apparently she was pretending to help them, but only wanted to show up and antagonize Miles? She was going to help Miles turn on the power, but then lied about being able to? She was protecting her family by leaving them for Miles? She just wanted to talk about their old fling? I honestly didn't get what was going on here. I think she was meant to be a decoy while her family stayed safe, but I don't know how that works since Miles could just continue the search for Ben whether Rachel turned herself in or not. Anyway, the series of flashbacks ended with Miles about to torture Rachel, so I guess that's part of all the bad stuff he did to her.
Oh god, there was one more story I suppose we should talk about. See what I mean about not knowing what this show was about? This was Revolution without its Ritalin. back at Monroe headquarters, Captain Jeremy (Mark Pellegrino) tried to get Monroe to stop being such a lunatic shutin and have a beer with his men. On the way to the watering hole, there was a sniper attack that killed Monroe's security detail, but Jeremy did not get shot, even though he was standing out in the open.
Monroe immediately suspected Jeremy was behind the assassination attempt, but really, Jeremy was just guilty of being so stupid that he couldn't find cover even though protected walls were two feet away on either side of him. Remember, this is the same guy who made an enemy sniper run out of bullets by sending his own men out to get shot one-by-one. The guy's knowledge of military strategy is one step above running around in circles screaming. Jeremy denied any involvement, but Monroe didn't buy it and had him killed, decreasing the number of talented actors on this show by 50 percent (you're the last survivor, Giancarlo). Later, Monroe found out that the sniper was a lone Georgian soldier and NOT his only friend, and Monroe made this face:
And in Revolution's final seconds, we found out that Nora had been captured by Monroe's men and was now in his possession, and that President Kelly was ready to surrender to Monroe after Monroe flexed his muscles with that drone attack. I can't tell you how disappointed I am in President Kelly. After vowing to defend your borders with all your men you let a few remote-controlled airplanes scare you off? I guess it's consistent with everyone else in this show doing so many 180s that they're dizzy.
"The Longest Day" started stories but didn't finish them, and finished stories that it didn't start. The series is stalling until the final few episodes, hoping we don't notice that it's taking baby steps to get there by shooting a lot of guns.
– I enjoyed Miles' fake punch on Rachel. That's two for flinching, Rachel!
– UMMM EXCUSE ME WHAT ABOUT THE MONSTER IN THE ELEVATOR? Rip. Off.
– Once again, Giancarlo Esposito continued to perform at a level that deserves a promotion off the show.
– Rubble cam!
– I like Miles' strategy for killing people. Jump in the shot from off-camera and slice a dude. He does that at least once in every episode.
– Miles, after shooting a dude behind enemy lines: "Maybe nobody heard that." They did, and they started shooting back. That's the kind of Eric Kripke humor this show needs more of. Glimpses of his style peek out every once in a while, but not often enough. Aaron asking the guy if he read Michael Crichton and the guy responding, "Yeah, I used to work at Barnes & Noble" also worked. C'mon show, do more of that. Lighten up.
– When Miles and Nora went to find Charlie early in the episode, Neville said, "Dammit." At first I thought it implied that he might be the mole, and when Miles and Nora moved they messed up some larger plan. It was never brought up again, but would Neville being a mole be the way too obvious choice? Or was he saying, "Dammit" because he knew he had to help them and/or find his own son?
– How did you like this makeup job on Miles?
Follow TV.com writer Tim Surette on Twitter if you want to: @TimAtTVDotCom