Ricky Gervais Offers Oscar Hosts a Complimentary Monologue

Regardless of how well James Franco and Anne Hathaway do this Sunday hosting the Academy Awards (and the world is pulling for them!), it’s doubtful they’ll make quite the splash that Ricky Gervais did at the Golden Globes. I mean, Grease tributes are nice and all, but they just don’t produce the kind of water-cooler chatter that a good, old-fashioned mimed interpretation of Hugh Hefner’s wedding night can. In any case, the two stars would be wise to at least take one important lesson from Ricky’s awards-hosting rulebook, and that’s to try to have as much fun as they possibly can. But Ricky, it turns out, was willing to go one further: He wrote them an entire opening monologue.

He posted the material on his blog, and for a jokey little riff, he really invests in the thing. You just can’t pull this guy and his pint away from the podium! Weaved into several minutes of patter are a handful of topical zingers (one is aimed squarely at Yoko Ono, for some reason), while riffing at length on his own struggles with weight and British orthondontia. All in all, a brisk and entertaining read. How do you think he did?

(Drum roll)

V.O. Ladies and Gentlemen.
Please welcome your hosts for this evening...
James Franco and Anne Hathaway

(Music and applause)
(James and Anne walk out looking absolutely perfect)

JF: Hello and welcome to The 83rd Academy Awards,
Live from Los Angeles.

AH: That's foreign for City of Angels.
And this room is certainly filled will those angels.

JF: Thank you. I'm James Franco.

AH: ...and I'm Anne Hathaway.

JF: You probably know me from 127 Hours where I play a man trapped in an enclosed space who decides he would rather cut his own arm off than stay where he was. Now that sounds "way out" but wait till half way through this fucking ceremony and you'll start to identify with him.

AH: And I'm the new Catwoman. The first white woman to play that role since Michelle Pfeiffer. I want it to be an inspiration to all white people everywhere. Your dreams can come true in Hollywood too.

JF: It's a daunting task hosting The Oscars but we're not alone. Presenting awards tonight will be a string of Hollywood legends and some other actors who have a film out in March or April.

JF: Usually they hire comedians to host The Oscars, but tonight, instead, you get us!

AH: No comedians tonight. And do you know why? Because comics are ugly.

JF: Especially that rude obnoxious one who played the Steve Carell part in the English remake of The Office.

AH: But you can all relax because Ricky Gervais is in London...
(Nervous laughter)
He's doing some charity work.
Yeah, he's visiting orphans with cancer.
He's telling them what bald little losers they are...

JF: Yeah, cos he's rude right?


Thank you.
No rudeness tonight.
It's going to be a night of the most privileged people in the world being told how brilliant they are and thanking God for loving them more than ugly poor foreigners.
That's not to say that we don't care. No, apart from all the great movies we made this year we continued our life-saving philanthropy. Mega stars like Angelina Jolie, George Clooney and Ben Stiller brought light to third world poverty and famine and shocked the world with visions of children so hungry they'd been living off dead beetles all their lives.

AH: Yeah and Yoko Ono said. "What's wrong with that?"

JF: Oh Anne you are naughty. In a respectful, wholesome way.
(Nodding and smiling)
That Ricky Gervais should do more for charity.
(Murmurs of agreement)

Ricky Gervais is now worth $80,000,000. The obnoxious Brit confirmed the figure, adding,"Yes and my dentist hasn't seen a penny."

AH: Yeah, why doesn't he get his teeth straightened and bleached like everyone else in Hollywood?

JF: It's a good question Anne. For the same reason he doesn't have botox or suck up to important producers - there's something wrong with him.

AH: There must be. Why isn't the stocky, fangy, little slob more like us, right?

JF: That ugly dude needs to get a Hollywood makeover, big time.

AH: Quite. And even though most of the actresses here have eating disorders, that's better than being fat right?

JF You bet it is gorgeous.

AH: You are so handsome.

JF: Exactly. You know Ricky Gervais used to be bulimic.

AH: Really?

JF: Yes. He'd often gorge himself for hours with cheese and cakes.

AH And then vomit right?

JF: No he left that bit out...

(Mild laughter)

AH: That's because he couldn't get his fat fucking fingers in his stupid mouth.

(Big laugh)

JF: Anyway let's get this show on the road.
There were some great kids' movies this year.
I took a five year old to see Toy Story 3 last week.

AH: Did you enjoy it?

JF: No it was ruined for me because the little brat was screaming and crying all the way through the film saying, "Who are you?" "You're not my daddy." "Take me back to the park where you grabbed me..."


AH: Oh James, you are a card. And your slightly risky jokes are not threatening because you're one of us. And you are so handsome.

JF: Absolutely.
So let's get this show on the road.
Our first presenter is a Hollywood legend whose boots Ricky Gervais would not be fit to kiss... The wonderful...
Mel Gibson...

(Standing ovation)

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