Roseanne's Nuts, Rescue Me, and The Franchise: A Season with the San Francisco Giants

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What to watch on Wednesday, July 13.

You're tired, it's been a long day, your boss was a jerk, you lost at racquetball, your children were embarrassing, your livestock were fussy, your yoga instructor got all political, your cat left a Post-It note on your computer that said "I hat you" because cats can't spell but it was still hurtful, your mother-in-law was being a real pain in the neck, and it's only Wednesday! Cheer up, you rascal! You're more than halfway there. Plus, these:

SERIES PREMIERE, 9pm, Lifetime
Roseanne's Nuts
At least once every year I pause and try to remember whether the final episode of Roseanne actually happened or I just dreamed it up? Remember that last scene where she sat at a typewriter and "rewrote" her family? "My husband is actually dead, my mom and sister are both lesbians, and my daughters married each others' husbands, etc." What I'm saying is, Roseanne Barr might be crazy. That said, she's a good kind of crazy and I think she's really important in the scheme of things. Anyway, good news! She's got a new show on TV! Bad news is that it's 2011 and so it's a reality show. Oh, well. Tune in for tonight's premiere, where Roseanne attempts to hunt down wild pigs on her macadamia-nut farm (obviously).

SERIES PREMIERE, 9pm, Showtime
The Franchise: A Season with the San Francisco Giants
It's a scientific fact that people don't actually enjoy baseball. Let's not argue about it, though. Instead, let's all watch this behind-the-scenes look at how the San Francisco Giants will defend their 2010 World Series title. I'm just glad that somebody finally figured out how to make baseball interesting! Haha, just kidding. (Just kidding again?) This looks good, though. Okay bye!

10pm, E!
E! Special: Nicki Minaj
I'm back. Nicki Minaj is excellent. Her cameos are always the best part of any song (and she makes cameos in EVERY song), and her album is pretty good, and when she appeared as Bride of Blackenstein on SNL she was the best part of the best sketch of that whole episode. She seems funny! She's from Queens! Okay, that is everything I know about Nicki Minaj, but luckily tonight E! will be airing an entire SPECIAL about Nicki Minaj. I am going to learn so much about Nicki Minaj, you guys.

SEASON 7 PREMIERE, 10pm, FX
Rescue Me
All good things must come to an end. Also, all shows about angsty firemen must come to an end, so here we are, staring down the barrel of the seventh (and final) season of Rescue Me. In tonight's premiere, Tommy (Denis Leary) has to deal with the fact that his ex-girlfriend and pregnant ex-wife are now friends, plus Damien adjusts to life in a wheelchair.

SERIES PREMIERE, 10pm, SyFy
Legend Quest
Unfortunately this is not a show about mystical barbarians, but it MAY involve their dishware. Meet Ashley and Kinga, two intrepid explorers who traverse the globe investigating ancient artifacts and legends. In tonight's premiere they'll seek nothing less than The Ark of the Covenant! Dang, save something for the season finale!

10 & 10:30pm, SEASON 2/SERIES PREMIERE, I.D.
Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry? and I Married A Mobster
Haha, you answered your own question, Investigation Discovery! In tonight's second-season premiere of Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry? a woman's husband gets arrested for pretending to be a doctor at the local hospital. Then, in the series premiere of I Married A Mobster, Lorraine Bracco narrates the stories of several mafia families who are attempting to lead normal lives after their patriarchs were sent to prison. Powerful stuff.

PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...

Big Brother, 8 p.m., CBS
Melissa & Joey, 8 p.m., ABC Family
Minute to Win It
, 8 p.m., NBC
So You Think You Can Dance, 8 p.m., Fox
Web Soup
, 8 p.m., G4
State of Georgia, 8:30 p.m., ABC Family
America's Got Talent, 9 p.m., NBC
Franklin & Bash, 9 p.m., TNT
Ghost Hunters International, SEASON 3 PREMIERE, 9 p.m., Syfy
I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, 9 & 9:30 p.m., TLC
I Shouldn't Be Alive, 9 p.m., Animal Planet
Royal Pains, 9 p.m., USA
Sons of Guns, SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 9 p.m., Discovery
Behind the Music: Miranda Lambert, 10 p.m., VH1
Dance Moms, SERIES PREMIERE, 10 p.m., Lifetime
Hot in Cleveland, 10 p.m., TV Land
Love in the Wild, 10 p.m., NBC
Necessary Roughness, 10 p.m., USA
One Man Army, SERIES PREMIERE, 10 p.m., Discovery
Primetime Nightline: Beyond Belief, 10 p.m., ABC
Rocco's Dinner Party, 10 p.m., Bravo
The Challenge: Rivals, 10 p.m., MTV
The World According to Paris, 10 p.m., Oxygen
Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman, 10 p.m., Science
Toddlers & Tiaras, 10 p.m., TLC
Happily Divorced, 10:30 p.m., TV Land
Jon Benjamin Has a Van, 10:30 p.m., Comedy Central

LATE-NITE PICKS:

Angela Kinsey on Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, 12:37 a.m., CBS
Craig Ferguson & Rose Byrne on Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 11:35 p.m., NBC
Flava Flav on The Mo'Nique Show, 11 p.m., BET
Gabourey Sidibe & Joe Jonas on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, 12:37 a.m., NBC
Ryan Gosling on Late Show with David Letterman, 11:35 p.m., CBS

What are you watching tonight?

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