RuPaul's Drag Race: Let's Meet Our New Queens!

There's one major difference between the third season of RuPaul's Drag Race and the ones that preceded it: stakes. 75,000 of them, to be precise—as in dollars, dinero, cheddar, cash prizes. Winner tucks all. It was a sum repeated almost as many times as new contestant Raja said, "I'm a model" during last night's premiere. And with good reason! Until now, the only thing these world-class gender-illusionists were competing for was a $100 BevMo gift card and a life-supply of Nads. But $75,000 changes everything. Laser hair removal, designer gowns, Madonna-brand cheek implants, a college education for the infant children they have inexplicably sired... the possibilities are dizzying.

The show begins, as always, with the queens staggering into the work room. Maybe it's the Absolut Wild Tea gimlets talking, but I immediately start seeing multiples of everything. There are three plus-size queens, two Puerto Rican queens, and two queens wearing eerily identical S&M; P!nk outfits. As you can imagine, this doesn't go over too well with either of them.

Thankfully, Raja (she's a model) breaks up the drag monotony, strutting into the room looking like the illegitimate love child of the entire cast of Yo Gabba Gabba!.

Yo Raja Raja!

I was also struck by Mariah Balenciaga a.k.a. Mariah Paris a.k.a. Mariah Successful—a pretty impressive specimen, despite clearly harboring some commitment issues. Don't worry, though. RuPaul will smoke those skeletons out over a weepy Tic-Tac dinner later in the season. A self-described "6'2" glamazon with legs like a racehorse," Ms. Successful is one to keep an eye on— especially in the last lap, where she's favored to make a five-wide move around the far turn before nearing the quarter pole at the top of the lane for an easy win.

Because nothing says "discarded tree with brown needles lying in a garbage-strewn gutter" like a Christmas challenge airing at the end of January, the queens are instructed to head directly to a trampoline for a holiday photo shoot. But not before they are presented with a giant wrapped gift! What could it be? Shoes? Waffles? An X-Box Kinect? No! It's Shangela Laquifa Wadley, a Season 2 loser given an unprecedented second shot at the crown. Whatever, Shangela. You had your moment. Awful gift!

The trampoline photo shoot goes as terribly as can be expected. Photographer Mike Ruiz (whose name sounds like Micro-Weave, so that's what I'm going to call him) tries to coax some fabulousness out of the ladies, but only Raja, a model with previous modeling experience, serves it up on command. Then, during an all-night sewing session, plus-sized contestant Mimi Imfurst has a complete meltdown, because she can't sew. KISS OF DRAG QUEEN DEATH, MIMI. But the other queens rally around her, pinning ornaments and garlands to her as if she were Linus's pathetic little Christmas tree. It's a touching moment—very Sisterhood of the Traveling Muumuu.

At judges' table, Vanessa Williams and Bruce Vilanch stare in bafflement at the parade of cross-dressing Christmas klutzes suffering from seasonal affective disorder. Raja, who is a model, wins the challenge with a gravity-defying bow scarf. Manila Luzon is a close second. But it's Shangela, once again, who finds herself on the chopping block, alongside Madonna-impersonator Venus D-Lite. The pressure ultimately proves too much for poor Venus, who, in a moment of desperation, pulls out Shangela's still-beating heart and proceeds to devour it. She gets eliminated.

If you missed the show, you can stream it here, far from the prying eyes of judgmental roommates, or watch its encore airing tonight at 9pm on VH1. Start your engines!