An angry oilman shouts about getting his nipples twisted.
A pair of lovers spends their first date stalking a family.
The number "four-hundred three-thousand and fifty-nine" is said about as many times.
Oh, it's time for Scandal.
There is no way to bury the word "nipple" in a line. Especially when it comes out of a character whose skin and hair are made up in such a way that you just know his nips are all puffy. Spoken or written, the word nipple, once let loose, takes on a life of its own. At best it fades away after a brief moment of awkwardness, at worse it swings up and puts somebody's eye out. Suffice it to say, in a room full of people trying to make us intrigued about why they were all "three goose eggs from jail," all I cared about was how many takes were required for the Angry Southern Stereotype Man to say that line without cracking up.
Of course yes, I also was asking myself, "Why are Cyrus, Millie, Cigarette Mouth, The Angry South, and Olivia Pope in some Illuminati club together?" We'd sort of have an answer by the end of the eipsode—they possibly rigged an election (gray hat moment 4 sure). But perhaps given Fitz's competition we are not supposed to mind so much? A person who shot a man KNOWING his wife had falsely accused someone of rape to help with his PR?
Let me just say right now that never in the history of time has this crime ever happened. I know that in the millions of lives all over the giant face of this globe every good and bad thing that has ever occurred can and has. Except for this. A woman scared into yelling "rape" halfway through an affair-sexing and her husband, in a nanosecond, realizing that if he shot a rapist he could benefit from her lie as well? Although Scandal got me with that final twist, I have to say. As soon as Olivia lead her Popettes through a slaughterhouse of a crime scene and they dropped the word rapist I said aloud to my empty room, "NOPE. AFFAIR. Husband killed him." But the writers got me on the larger motive, the incredible political ballast that comes when you shoot a home intruder. All the greats shot home intruders, Roosevelt, FDR, etc. Suck it, four thousand three-hundred and fifty-nine votes!
I really hope that if Ann Romney watches Scandal, she skipped last night's episode. I'm sure Mitt gets full control of the remote these days (and a fuzzy blanket and ice cream) during TV time but even if she sneaks off to the stables to tune in on her tablet while her horse practices the electric slide or whatever, this was not the episode for her to see. Losing a national election drove an otherwise upstanding man into a broken marriage and a pre-meditated double-murder-suicide. Time to get Mitt a new hobby, Ann, before all hell breaks loose and you find yourself chanting "one-million six-hundred-thousand nine-hundred and fifteen votes!" or whatever the final tally is to perfect strangers.
I do appreciate the twist actually surprising me. We're all watching the show for those magic moments between Liv and Fitz that might actually be melting my TV screen and those were completely off the map in this episode. Shonda knows we all need our fix with those two, so in his absence she gave us a puzzling, intricate little episode that kept tying back to him. Needless to say, much like Olivia and her very tall wine glass, we were feeling his loss—a very meta experience. Also, I seriously need to get a wine glass with an eight-inch stem.
However, there is a confusing duality between Olivia being the person who fixes everything and is generally the good guy, yet is also bugging David Rosen's apartment and setting up dates between him and character actors at the Griddle Cafe. (LOL, the Griddle Cafe: the heart of many if not all of Washington's conspiracies.)
Also is there a LESS interesting choice of a character to fixate on this season than David Rosen? Sigh. And by all means, pair him up with the World's Most Boring Redhead. Honestly, we were fixated on Quinn for forever, we still have to wade through half a storyline every episode with grumbly mumbly Huck, and meanwhile the hottest and maybe best actor on this show is still steeped in mystery and never appears on screen: When will we learn more about Harrison? Why is he so cloaked in invisibility all the time like Daniel Radcliffe in Harry Potter when we want to see more of him, like Daniel Radcliffe in Equus?
Yet and still: The same duality in Olivia exists in Cyrus, except to a much darker degree. On the one hand he was charming enough at one point to woo the cutest and most wonderful husband in the world, and last night he cuddled up with Olivia on the couch like a big ole' teddy bear, yet Cyrus is also is a self-described political monster who we know for a fact ordered Amanda Tanner's death last season. It made me so nervous when Olivia was cuddling with him, and felt slightly off. Maybe this is just one of those things where you break up with a guy and then suddenly you weirdly start missing his friends.
So altogether a fairly intriguing, somewhat surprising episode even without our favorite Emo President. He better come back next week, though. If Liv and Fitz being apart becomes a trend I might have to go to an addiction therapy group myself.
1. David Rosen: endearing or annoying?
2. Has the concept of Olivia's trusty gut been officially excised from the show?
3. Did you miss Fitz?
4. Is Abby a traitor who is going to get figuratively and perhaps literally slapped?
5. Voting booths??!!