Scoring Ricky Gervais's Golden Globes Hit List

Oh no! Hollywood’s feelings are hurt! Ricky Gervais was mean to everyone at the Golden Globes on Sunday. How dare Ricky Gervais spoil the one time when celebrities are allowed to feel special about themselves, besides the Oscars, the Emmys, the Grammys, the Latin Grammys, the People’s Choice Awards, the Latin People’s Choice Awards, the SAG Awards, movie premieres, talk shows, etc.? You get my point. Celebrities will be just fine. They will overcome. Martin Luther King, Jr. had a dream, and like it or not, celebrities were a part of that dream, so can we all just try to get along? Thanks.

Which isn’t to say that Gervais knocked it out of the ballpark. He definitely brought his C-material to that tacky Beverly Hilton ballroom last night. (Note to Hollywood: Enough with the crystals, already. Zsa Zsa Gabor has one leg—decorate accordingly.) Steve Carell summed up a lot of anti-Gervaisian sentiment when he let out a very fake, “HA HA HA. I LOVE IT. NEVER GETS OLD,” in response to Ricky’s jokes about Carell riding his coattails. But overall, I’d give Gervais’s performance an A—as in “A-hole.” You gotta hand it to the pasty little guy. He kept things interesting.

If you missed the show, or just want to relive it in a way that needlessly incorporates math, here’s a scorecard tabulating some of Gervais’s most memorable (i.e. vicious) Golden Globe moments. (NOTE: I’ve employed a statistical system not unlike the one used in Dungeons & Dragons.)

“It’s going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it, ‘breakfast.’”


Skill Points: 3
Gervais opened the show with this line, a lazy joke aimed at Hollywood’s easiest target. Forgettable. Bruce Vilanch wouldn’t buy this line a drink if it sidled up to him at a Palm Springs cocktail lounge.

Hit Points: 2
Any Charlie Sheen joke that doesn’t incorporate the phrase “if only dead hookers could talk” should be considered toothless.

Net Damage: 2
Sheen wasn’t at last night’s ceremony, presumably because the
Two and a Half Men star was busy doing cocaine on a trampoline with a topless cheerleading squad. ($1.25 million per episode. Gotta spend it on something!)

“It was a big year for 3-D movies... seems like everything this year was three-dimensional. Except the characters in The Tourist... it must be good, because it’s nominated. So shut up.”


Skill Points: 4
Not particularly clever, but did the trick.

Hit Points: 9 (It’s a 12-sided die, in case you’re wondering.)
This bit took down the two biggest stars in Hollywood, their megaflop that no one saw, and the Hollywood Foreign Press’s beyond-shady nomination practices. A Triple Lindy!

Net Damage: 8
Angelina looked genuinely hurt. Or maybe hungry? Or maybe she was just thinking about adopting more orphans. Come to think of it, her face gives away very little. It’s just a wall of lips and eyeshadow.

“Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor: two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay. So the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists, then.”


Skill Points: 5
More shocking than actually funny.

Hit Points: 12
Oh. No. Ricky. Didn’t. If there’s one unspoken rule in Hollywood, it’s Don’t Anger the Scientologists. And if there’s a second unspoken rule in Hollywood, it’s Don’t Call Attention to Closeted Gay Actors. And if there’s a third unspoken rule in Hollywood, it’s Make Your Biggest Hit Movie Over and Over and Over Again Until No One Can Stand the Sight of You Anymore. This joke broke two of the three unspoken Hollywood rules.

Net Damage: 10
Harsh, but like a naughty thought about Zac Efron, it was nothing a few handfuls of vitamins and a good four-hour shvitz couldn’t sweat out of you.

“Next up, Eva Longoria has the daunting task of introducing the President of the Hollywood Foreign Press. That’s nothing! I just had to help him off the toilet and pop his teeth in. It was messy.”


Skill Points: 3
The more I think about it, the more Gervais’s material just seems kind of crappy and lazy. Which is maybe the point. His lack of effort in the writing is all part of the “up-yours” theme to his performance. Ricky has the last laugh.

Hit Points: 9
That said, I loved this moment, because who the hell is that Hollywood Foreign Press president guy? A writer for “Galaxie and FilmInk Australia,” according to Eva Longoria. Has anyone ever heard of either of those publications? I had to Google for fifteen minutes before I learned that Galaxie is a celebrity magazine from Malaysia. Good thing those three dopes from Ernst and Young handcuffed themselves to their ballot briefcases! Think of the scandal if a Galaxie contributor’s Golden Globes votes were not properly tabulated. That’s Malaysia’s leading celebrity magazine we’re talking about. They should be afforded the Ernst and Young Royal Handcuff Treatment.

Net Damage: 12
The damage was to Ricky, though. That line pretty much put the final nail in his 2012 Golden Globes casket.

“What can I say about our next two presenters? The first is an actor, producer, writer and director whose films have grossed over three-and-a-half billion dollars at the box office. He’s won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes for his powerful and varied performances, starring in such films as Philadelphia, Forrest Gump, Cast Away, Apollo 13 and Saving Private Ryan. The other is Tim Allen.”


Skill Points: 8
Besides the Hugh Hefner pantomime, this was probably Ricky’s funniest moment of the night. It’s funny in its epic meanness. Bonus points for flipping the card over to see if there was anything on the back.

Hit Points: 10
It takes a lot to get the nicest man in Hollywood to turn on you, but this did it. Booo, Ricky Gervais. Mean, mean, mean. (But secretly, yay!)

Net Damage: 10
That said... MAN UP, Tim. You did hard time for possession of a pound-and-a-half of cocaine. Shouldn’t your skin be a little thicker? Loved Toy Story 3, though. To infinity and beyond!


What did you think of Gervais's performance as this year's host?

Comments (135)
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I think it was GREAT! I just wish he would have been a little "meaner", maybe? It (to me) actually seemed a tad "tame"! Come on, Hollywood ... grow a set (or, in the case of the women, grow a set!), and take it all for what it's worth ... a little bit of entertainment, to a long (and oft-times VERY boring) telecast! Keep on truckin', Gervais!
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Making Tom Hanks say something not nice about you, it's like the anti-joke version of glory.
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Harsh but fair! A lot of the time he's not funny, but I like these 'observations.' Especially about the Scientologists, because it is so below the belt. My kind of humour I guess. I wish I could have been there!
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this is still on, r u kidding me,anyway go Ricky go
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I agree with mindmalfunction this guy is a comedian and thats what he does. I dont find him very amusing myself however some people do and thats his job. It was all jokingly delievered and if people are silly enough not to know this then to he$$ with them is what I would say. Who cares..
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They hired a writer/actor/comedian who makes fun of people to host the globes....and they're upset that he made fun of people? I just don't get the problem.
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Miskolc15, well, first of all you wrote a huge text asking why are people defending Hollywood and attacking Gervais, and yet here you are, defending him and attacking us. Do not generalize your comments to make yourself look better than anyone here, you ARE NOT. I couldn't care less for Hollywood, for everyone attacking or defending them or Gervais. I just thought he was not funny. At all. You had your own opinion about the guy who wrote the article calling his review poorly written. Well, anyway, your opinion. Respect others' opinions as well, maybe you are the one who needs to grow up, coming here and calling simply everyone (but yourself) whiny, idiots and ignorants just because we didn't like Ricky's jokes. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion for whatever reason they might have, like I said, in my case, I don't care about Hollywood's hust feelings, ah, give me a break, I just don't think he was funny. If you liked some of his jokes and thought he was entertaining, good for you, I respect THAT. What I don't respect is you coming here calling everyone who doesn't agree with you an idiot. Get over yourself, learn how to respect others and be respected. "I know your types..." Dude, you think you know people because of some lines they wrote on a discussion board? Haha, that made me laugh out loud! Maybe you should replace Gervais next time, since you are soooo funny and loves insulting people.
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First of all, to the author of this article, you criticize Ricky for bringing C-material, yet here you are attempting to be funny in this poorly written review using no better than F-material. Just saying, if you\'re talking **** about someones comedy, your jokes should at least be funny, let alone funnier than the comedian in question. Also I\'m just so shocked at all these comments. What is wrong with you people? I didn\'t think his comedy was too great, there were a few jokes I loved, and a lot of lazy poorly put together crap, however it was fun to watch and refreshing! If anything he helped the GG out, because nobody cares about these stupid award shows, they needed someone like this to get people to watch and become interested. And why are all you people so defensive?! At least half the stuff he said was true, and you\'re gonna feel bad for filthy rich actors!?!?!? REALLY?! WOW. Not to mention they all knew what was coming with him. If enough of the actors had a problem with Ricky hosting, they could have come together ahead of time to object and get someone else. Instead of getting so utterly offended by a comedian throwing some cheap shots to some people who can forget all about this obvious horrible event in their lives with a vacation to the Bahamas, 5 star hotels, and luxury most of us will never know, maybe you should get offended by serious problems in the country and run your mouths in a positive way. I\'m sorry but I can\'t let this one go, I just have to say, his final joke, \"I thank god, for making me an atheist.\" That was brilliant. I can not believe all you fanatics are so offended by that... I know your types: holier-than-thou, ignorant, judgmental hypocrites. That was one of the best jokes he had. It\'s a JOKE anyway, why do you have to act like he went and committed murder because he made a joke about your precious \"god\". Or are atheists the scum of the earth? It\'s not offensive, you guys are just going out of your way to act like whiny little brats. CHANGE THE CHANNEL if it\'s so intolerable and just GROW UP. I thought he bombed most of the show, and there were too many cheap shots that suggests he couldn\'t come up with true comedy for the show, but it was entertaining. That\'s who he is, everyone knows his style, the actors knew it, viewers know it. Why are you so surprised? If his material upsets so many of you idiots that you all have to come and make stupid comments here and cry about it, then I would love for him to host every year just to piss you guys off.
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Both sides need their time outs. People can be upset, both sides need to realize that.
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I've decided I want to stalk Ricky Gervais. Where is he?
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Ricky seemss to have lost the plot a little. Perhaps he's been away from England too long cause he's really lost his funniness. He was mean, well thats fine and some of the jokes were shocking but not up to his usual standard. Have watched all of his shows and standup shows and got to say - Come on Ricky!!!! What happened? I remember in his first shows he was constantly putting himself down, and that was hysterical but now he's coming across as conceited and putting everyone else down instead...ho hum.
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To mean!
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Hollywood definately needs to get over itself. If I remember correctly isn't the performance by Gervais exactly what was expected from Chris Rock when he hosted the Oscars several years ago, but he wimped out and was criticised for holding back the zingers. Go figure!
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Ricky Gervais...RUDE and REAL. So good! Please host the Oscars now too :D
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What are we doing hiring all these Brits anyhow? Doesn't Holleywood realize we have 10% unemplyed in our country? They aren't funny and they are helping make things worse economically!!
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great 10 out of 10
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Ricky Gervais is British and the british are knows to be very blunt. Ricky Gervais is also a genius and I isn't out to win any popularity contests. The individuals who hired him should have known what they were getting. Granted, some of his jokes weren't funny but as a whole I thought he did a great job. Most celebrities seem to think that they are on a different planet-one that protects them from being made fun of. Hence Katie Holmes' reaction to Anne Hathaway's impression of her on SNL. Celebrities need to lighten up and role with the punches because once you are a part of our culture, you will be made fun of from time to time.
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Sorry, not getting the all-of-the-sudden admiration for the dude. I couldn't care less for Hollywood's feelings either, there shoud be more people making fun of them, but Ricky was not funny at all. He totally forgot to add the joke part to the insults. There are 2 kinds of funny. Kind of Steve Martin funny, making light jokes about the actors and still being funny, and Greg Giraldo funny, insulting hard but STILL being funny. Ricky was neither. He was just plain insulting. He basically made everyone there and at home go "Did he really say that?" but I didn't laugh once. And I'm not defending anyone, everything he said was true, but I don't see why people thought it was hilarious, just obvious and old material, Charlie Sheen drinks a lot, Hugh Hefner is old, bla bla bla...ugh. To be fair, the only joke that was kinda funny was the Sex and the City one (well, the last line made me giggle) . But Ashton Kutcher's dad? Really Ricky? Cringe-worthy.
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What did anyone expect? They hired Ricky Gervais. . . . of course he\'s going to be rude, raucus, mean . . . . . . and, quite funny! He had the courage to say what many people have only been thinking for all this time.

If you wanted someone who would **** foot around these pampered stars, then they hired the wrong man.
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Just try to imagine comedy world without Ricky.... a bloody mess
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I have always been a big fan of Ricky Gervais, because his humour is clever and biting, unlike the usual rather lame and shallow American humour. But unfortunately, it appears that the Americans have managed to pull Gervais down to their level, as there was nothing overly clever in his performance this year.
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For those thinking Gervais was awesome, check out a clip from Jonathan Winters, one of the greatest living comedians and undisputed master of improv. The man is so good people would simply hand him objects at random and he would improvise a whole act around whatever they tossed him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwWDa1xPTPA

In this clip he's told he's an airline pilot but the rest is improv - he has no idea what the other folks are going to say to him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGorCSnIHF4

No vulgarity, no meanness... no SCRIPT. That's talent - and he still performs in his 80s.

Then there's the legendary duo of Abbott and Costello... perfect timing together.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9b8oEcFmQD0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lo4NCXOX0p8



Gervais served up a couple of cheap one liners at other's expense. He should be embarrassed. The power of comedy is an amazing gift to bring smiles into people's lives. He cheapened it by making people want to squirm in their seats.
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"Somebody always has to be the butt of the joke." Good Lord, no! What has happened to comedy? My 1st rule of comedy is always laugh WITH, never AT. Watch the legends and classics - Jonathan Winters, Abbott and Costello, Three Stooges - heck, even George Carlin wasn't nasty. Come to think of it, Carlin's bones could probably have delivered a better performance. There are JOKES and there are INSULTS. Lazy people go for gutter swipes that anyone can do. It takes comedic talent and timing to do better. This seemed almost more bitter than when Colbert roasted the press corps. It was almost as bad as when Howard Stern hosted some awards I've chosen to blot from memory and descended to the stage as "Fart Man" and had Luke Perry grab his exposed butt cheeks. "awww...these poor hollywood stars. their millions and billions can't protect them from a couple of one liners. quick , call the cops. all i can say is burn, burn, burn, and burn. hollywood got torched."



Despite all the warm sentiments after the Arizona shootings, the sentiment of hate for one's fellow Americans and the complete disregard for civility continue. I've seen almost pathological zeal in comments about destroying evil celebrities. There aren't the rich folks who sold you crappy mortgages or sunk your pension plan or shipped your jobs to Mexico. These are the rich people who look pretty and occasionally leak sex tapes and nude cell phone photos for our amusement. Please keep track of which rich folks it would be fun to see skewered and which are just fun to see. Thank you.
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As skilled as the Hanks & Allen joke was, I think their comeback was pretty good.
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Short (?) & to the point. Did all of you harsh critics remember that this was live tv? A stellar performance? Not necessarily, but part of what I found so refreshing was the spontaneity. He kept you watching, wondering where he was going next. Honest to the point of brutal? Naaahh... To the brink of brutally honest, yet still funny(aside from some of those uncomfortable timing/pauses associated w/"live")? Mayybeee... A host unlike many, in a position that will not likely be afforded as much rope to hang themselves with again? Prrrobably. Too bad.
Unfortunately because of the powers that be - Ricky, you had a good run, given if nothing else, sheer guts. You got my vote for glory!
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It was a big year for 3-D movies... seems like everything this year was three-dimensional. Except the characters in The Tourist... it must be good, because it’s nominated. So shut up.”

This was the so funny I loved that .



Skill Points: 10

thick enough skin in Hollywood then get out of the business





Net Damage: 10

Angelina looked genuinely hurt. Or maybe hungry? Or maybe she was just thinking about adopting more orphans. Come to think of it, her face gives away very little. It’s just a wall of lips and eyeshadow. I have to wonder how much Jone Rivers and her crew get paid to say how beautiful she looked. “Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor: two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay So the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists, then.”

I give this a 10 Ricky made the show. That is the only reason I watched it.
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Ricky killed! if they don't have thick enough skin in Hollywood then they are in the wrong business!
I felt show business needs guys like this to keep them all honest !!!
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Everything he said was true and funny. The guy was brilliant. I love how he put Angie in her place her movies suck. She is always shooting something up or jumping into moving things. I would watch again if he was the host. I only watch it because he was the host and he tells the truth. If you don't like what he is saying then maybe you need to clean up your act.
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The guy was brilliant. I mean all the things he said were true, Charlie Sheen, The Tourist, Tim Allen. I agree with wildandcrazyga! that: "Gervais just has the guts to say them out loud".
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I was disappointed by his comments/jokes. I like Ricky Gervais as an actor and comedian, but I thought these were totally mean-spirited and uncalled for. I mean if the rich and famous can't take jokes being made at their expense, they don't deserve to be famous. But, I did think that these remarks crossed the line from poking fun to hurtful.
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Aren't the Golden Globes supposed to be informal, laid back, and irreverent? That's why they hired Ricky. I thought most actors like to roast or be roasted. They liked him last year.
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Somebody always has to be the butt of the joke. I think all the offended people need to get over themselves and try having a sense of humour. Let's be honest, who hasn't thought some of these very same things, Gervais just has the guts to say them out loud.
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I worry that our stars might leave the US and go to another continent and make films in Greece, or elsewhere leaving us without a film industry. Oh wait, that's what THEY all do. We have enough room for every idiot and pervert to ply their trade. But they must not complain when someone pops their ego balloons. Poor babies.
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He was the biggest IDIOT they could have gotten, so actually as he said "he warned them" about hiring him. So they really brought it on themselves, I think he should be banned from doing any awards show from here on, he's not that funny and insulting people isn't worth it to get the few laughs he did get. I can't stand him, and there were so many better choices they could have made for an announcer, Hopefully this has taught them a lesson for next year and every one thereafter. The worse was the final comment of the night when the credits were rolling and he was still running his mouth, saying, "I thank God, for making me an athies." Well, that would explain him totally!! The Jerk.
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I liked the performance, thought he pulled punches, but he was funny. I thought the lowest blow was the Bruce Willis joke. Bruce didn't seem to mind the Ashton joke, so if Bruce wasn't offended why should we be.
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awww...these poor hollywood stars. their millions and billions can't protect them from a couple of one liners. quick , call the cops. all i can say is burn, burn, burn, and burn. hollywood got torched.
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Ricky Gervais is awesome. 'Nuff said.
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LOVE Ricky and his performance. If he ain't there next year, there's no reason for me to watch. And I agree with jjhan2. Do we not remember, who is still around by the way, Joan Rivers????
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Thank you Ricky
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I didnt watch it, but I wish had. I get tired of the pompous way these people act and its refreshing to see someone not afraid to poke fun at them. And anybody who was upset, get over yourself! It was an AWARDS SHOW! Its not some sacred ritual in a church. Im really suprised about Hanks' reaction, I thought he had more class than that. Too bad he won be back. I wont watch because its the most overrated award show.
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Never mind Don Rickles, does anyone remember: "Fat Jack Leonard?" He was before Don Rickles. I'm sure there were others before them. They made their living, being: "Insult Comics." Ricky Gervais, was mild, next to them!
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I think Gervais is incredibly funny and loved him on the Globes. It was refreshing to see someone state what really is just the truth, seriously no one saw the Tourist, and not be worried about hurting all the star's fragile little egos.
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Wow, Ricky really got some of you guys pissed off. First off, no one in the public eye is immune to ridicule, and quite frankly, some of them truly deserve it. You don't get to pick who says what about you when you are in that position. Celebs are super sensitive, considering this fact. Ricky Gervais is a genius, full stop, and when you are swinging for the fences, you are going to have a strike out or two, but on the whole, that guy is hilarious, and all the negative knuckleheads out there, need to cool it. Get the joke, or not, and move on.
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When I first heard, seconds before the show began, who the host would be, my first thought was, "WHO in the world is that guy?" I'd never heard of him before, and now feel it would have been better left that way. Some of the jokes were somewhat funny, if you were willing to sorta smile at the expense of someone else, but no rip-roaring laughter would ever be squeezed out of his "humor." I was left wondering if he was offered so little money, he took the job only to ridiculeand embarrass the American Foreign Press, thus getting his come-upance. I'm wondering who picked this guy, and do they still have a job?
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I thought he was unnecessarily rude throughout the entire thing. Rudeness is not funny, regardless of whether you're from England or America.
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They should let Ellen host.She is funny with a big heart plus she is a covergirl.
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I don't like his abrasive humour. He is a bully in ever sense of the term. Why is it funny to demean other human beings? With bullying at an all time high among young people. With schools running programs to eliminate bullying. He shouldn't be allowed the air time, let alone be paid, to show his vindictiveness. What the show needs is a class host like Ellen Degeneres.
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What's with the comments about 'British humor'?? First of all it's British humoUr!! Humor is American. And secondly, none of the material could be defined as essentially British. Just because Gervais verbalised what a huge proportion of the population think and feel about Hollywood and other stars, doesn't make it 'British'. Just Ricky Gervais, and the fact that he doesn't care if you like his style and content, he makes plenty of money doing his 'stuff' and the GG awards show isn't a necessary part of his income. Watch his HBO specials if you want to see just how he 'normally' performs and you;ll see no difference.
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Oh, pleas e. I can't believe the fuss over this. Did he take a shot at anyone who hasn't had multiple similar shots taken constantly over the years? (If anything, a good proportion of his jokes were weak simply because they were predictable chestnuts.) Did he take an undeserved shot? And if Robert Downey Jr was really so upset by RICKY, what business did HE have giving that introduction tot he actress category, where he talked about BANGING all of them? (Which I tohught was hilarious, by the way, but hello, act hypocritical much?) Get a grip, people. If it was Letterman or Jon Stewart up there (both of whom I can imagine making the same jokes or even more cutting ones--because they have, on their shows), would we even be having the kerfuffle?
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He was okay ...British humour has to be understood but he was rather out of line in some places but the fodder was there. i would not judge him too harshly...I think he forgot what the word tact means with some of his comments.
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