Scoring Ricky Gervais's Golden Globes Hit List

Oh no! Hollywood’s feelings are hurt! Ricky Gervais was mean to everyone at the Golden Globes on Sunday. How dare Ricky Gervais spoil the one time when celebrities are allowed to feel special about themselves, besides the Oscars, the Emmys, the Grammys, the Latin Grammys, the People’s Choice Awards, the Latin People’s Choice Awards, the SAG Awards, movie premieres, talk shows, etc.? You get my point. Celebrities will be just fine. They will overcome. Martin Luther King, Jr. had a dream, and like it or not, celebrities were a part of that dream, so can we all just try to get along? Thanks.

Which isn’t to say that Gervais knocked it out of the ballpark. He definitely brought his C-material to that tacky Beverly Hilton ballroom last night. (Note to Hollywood: Enough with the crystals, already. Zsa Zsa Gabor has one leg—decorate accordingly.) Steve Carell summed up a lot of anti-Gervaisian sentiment when he let out a very fake, “HA HA HA. I LOVE IT. NEVER GETS OLD,” in response to Ricky’s jokes about Carell riding his coattails. But overall, I’d give Gervais’s performance an A—as in “A-hole.” You gotta hand it to the pasty little guy. He kept things interesting.

If you missed the show, or just want to relive it in a way that needlessly incorporates math, here’s a scorecard tabulating some of Gervais’s most memorable (i.e. vicious) Golden Globe moments. (NOTE: I’ve employed a statistical system not unlike the one used in Dungeons & Dragons.)

“It’s going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it, ‘breakfast.’”

Skill Points: 3
Gervais opened the show with this line, a lazy joke aimed at Hollywood’s easiest target. Forgettable. Bruce Vilanch wouldn’t buy this line a drink if it sidled up to him at a Palm Springs cocktail lounge.

Hit Points: 2
Any Charlie Sheen joke that doesn’t incorporate the phrase “if only dead hookers could talk” should be considered toothless.

Net Damage: 2
Sheen wasn’t at last night’s ceremony, presumably because the
Two and a Half Men star was busy doing cocaine on a trampoline with a topless cheerleading squad. ($1.25 million per episode. Gotta spend it on something!)

“It was a big year for 3-D movies... seems like everything this year was three-dimensional. Except the characters in The Tourist... it must be good, because it’s nominated. So shut up.”

Skill Points: 4
Not particularly clever, but did the trick.

Hit Points: 9 (It’s a 12-sided die, in case you’re wondering.)
This bit took down the two biggest stars in Hollywood, their megaflop that no one saw, and the Hollywood Foreign Press’s beyond-shady nomination practices. A Triple Lindy!

Net Damage: 8
Angelina looked genuinely hurt. Or maybe hungry? Or maybe she was just thinking about adopting more orphans. Come to think of it, her face gives away very little. It’s just a wall of lips and eyeshadow.

“Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor: two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay. So the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists, then.”

Skill Points: 5
More shocking than actually funny.

Hit Points: 12
Oh. No. Ricky. Didn’t. If there’s one unspoken rule in Hollywood, it’s Don’t Anger the Scientologists. And if there’s a second unspoken rule in Hollywood, it’s Don’t Call Attention to Closeted Gay Actors. And if there’s a third unspoken rule in Hollywood, it’s Make Your Biggest Hit Movie Over and Over and Over Again Until No One Can Stand the Sight of You Anymore. This joke broke two of the three unspoken Hollywood rules.

Net Damage: 10
Harsh, but like a naughty thought about Zac Efron, it was nothing a few handfuls of vitamins and a good four-hour shvitz couldn’t sweat out of you.

“Next up, Eva Longoria has the daunting task of introducing the President of the Hollywood Foreign Press. That’s nothing! I just had to help him off the toilet and pop his teeth in. It was messy.”

Skill Points: 3
The more I think about it, the more Gervais’s material just seems kind of crappy and lazy. Which is maybe the point. His lack of effort in the writing is all part of the “up-yours” theme to his performance. Ricky has the last laugh.

Hit Points: 9
That said, I loved this moment, because who the hell is that Hollywood Foreign Press president guy? A writer for “Galaxie and FilmInk Australia,” according to Eva Longoria. Has anyone ever heard of either of those publications? I had to Google for fifteen minutes before I learned that Galaxie is a celebrity magazine from Malaysia. Good thing those three dopes from Ernst and Young handcuffed themselves to their ballot briefcases! Think of the scandal if a Galaxie contributor’s Golden Globes votes were not properly tabulated. That’s Malaysia’s leading celebrity magazine we’re talking about. They should be afforded the Ernst and Young Royal Handcuff Treatment.

Net Damage: 12
The damage was to Ricky, though. That line pretty much put the final nail in his 2012 Golden Globes casket.

“What can I say about our next two presenters? The first is an actor, producer, writer and director whose films have grossed over three-and-a-half billion dollars at the box office. He’s won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes for his powerful and varied performances, starring in such films as Philadelphia, Forrest Gump, Cast Away, Apollo 13 and Saving Private Ryan. The other is Tim Allen.”

Skill Points: 8
Besides the Hugh Hefner pantomime, this was probably Ricky’s funniest moment of the night. It’s funny in its epic meanness. Bonus points for flipping the card over to see if there was anything on the back.

Hit Points: 10
It takes a lot to get the nicest man in Hollywood to turn on you, but this did it. Booo, Ricky Gervais. Mean, mean, mean. (But secretly, yay!)

Net Damage: 10
That said... MAN UP, Tim. You did hard time for possession of a pound-and-a-half of cocaine. Shouldn’t your skin be a little thicker? Loved Toy Story 3, though. To infinity and beyond!

What did you think of Gervais's performance as this year's host?

Like on Facebook