The first Sharknado was not so much a movie as it was several animated .GIFs padded out to feature length by scenes of Ian Ziering yelling at the sky and Tara Reid staring into the middle distance. Was it a good movie? No it was not. Was it better than Frozen? That is for you to decide. But despite being almost fatally boring, Sharknado became an instant internet sensation based on its title and some very hilarious visuals peppered throughout. So the arrival of Sharknado 2: The Second One was about as inevitable as the arrival of a second sharknado in the world of Sharknado, if that makes any sense?
Much like the first movie ("movie"), Sharknado 2 is mostly about the wrath that God brings down upon innocent sharks. Scooped up from their natural oceanic habitats and dropped unceremoniously upon land-dwelling jerks, the sharks must once again face what can only be described as a shark genocide, and all because of God's cruel whims. Whereas Sharknado posited that this sort of thing was a once-in-a-lifetime freak occurrence, Sharknado 2 essentially confirmed that God HATES sharks. It's no wonder, then, that they seem to hate His children right back. And they especially hate Tara Reid, an angel on Earth if there ever was one.
You guys, let's talk about Sharknado 2! Here is the beautiful title card:
See, first it looked like a fin coming out of the cloud but that was a fakeout because it was a plane. Two seconds into this movie and it's already playing games. But, question: Where's the hashtag? Shouldn't the title have a hashtag?
Oh, phew. Okay now we can rest easy. Thank you, interstitials.
It's pretty telling that Sharknado 2 began with both a product placement and a C-list celebrity cameo, since this movie was basically just a montage of those two things over and over for two hours. In this case, the product was a can of carbonated, brackish runoff.
And the celebrity was, I don't know, Nicole Richie?
So Nicole Richie was a stewardess on a plane and she wanted Tara Reid to sign a book she'd written about the first sharknado. Because in this world Tara Reid writes books.
Also here is her character's signature:
Note that she signed a page in the middle of the book. Also note that the book was an owner's manual for a Samsung Galaxy Tablet.
Then we got some sort of Twilight Zone "homage" where Ian Ziering started seeing things out the window and nobody believed him:
Oh, and here were the pilots:
The late Leslie Nielsen and also Stacey Dash from Clueless:
Meanwhile Worf was walking around with a badge and a gun like he owned the joint. Relax, Worf, this is a airplane not a saloon.
So then a storm of sharks arrived and bit off a chunk of the plane and things just went from bad to worse.
Nicole Richie got ate BAD. So did Stacey Dash. A shark busted into the windshield and ate her right out of the plane!
Fred Savage got it bad also:
The lady who got ate while taking a sh*t in the bathroom is Twitter famous somehow, doesn't matter.
So then Tara Reid almost flew right out of the plane!
Luckily she was a quick thinker, so she grabbed Worf's gun and started firing indiscriminately into the open air. But that really annoyed one of the sharks, and so this happened:
A shark bit Tara Reid's arm off!
Her stump looked so juicy and disgusting and her screams sounded like those of a crestfallen manatee! Poor Tara Reid.
So luckily Ian Ziering was able to land the plane after both the captains got eaten by sharks.
Then we were in Times Square for some reason and this family was just hugging and talking at each other about whatever. And one of them had a Michael Myers mask on?
Then Brian Williams started reporting on the plane crash.
But he FAILED to mention anything about all the sharks that had crashed the plane and eaten all the celebrity cameos? What was the deal with that? Lamestream media!
Look who was a cop at the press conference:
Yep, Tom Green.
At the hospital Tara Reid was still trying to deal with her whole bitten-off arm situation and Ian Ziering was just going around talking to all the other celebrity cameos, such as MTV's Daisy Fuentes.
Meanwhile Tara Reid was bummed because she was supposed to appear on a local community access show to promote a book she'd written that had mysteriously become twice as thick since the last time we saw it.
But she was still at the hospital being tended to by one of America's top surgeons, Garth Brooks.
Meanwhile all the weather reports were being provided by America's most trusted weatherman, Al Sharpton.
But the celebrity cameos didn't stop there. Like at some point Ian Ziering decided to go meet up with his brother-in-law at the baseball game and he caught a cab driven by none other than Independence Day's Harvey Fierstein:
And then at the Mets game we met a former baseball great played by Jason Alexander:
It was honestly just such a thrill to see all these familiar faces even though I wasn't 100 percent sure who any of them were or why they mattered.
Meanwhile Ian Ziering ran into an old friend:
It was his ex-girlfriend, Vivica A. Fox! And after all these years she still really wanted a shirtless hug from him. That was her plotline here, basically. Will Vivica A. Fox ever get to have another shirtless hug from Ian Ziering? Stay tuned. (Also Vivica A. Fox remains perfect in every way.)
So then the Sharknado showed up finally because no duh. Where you been, Sharknado? Come cleanse this city of bad cameos.
So obviously Ian Ziering was going to go ahead and stop THIS Sharknado also. That is sort of his thing now. Except there were like, TWO of them. So that's just more work right there and it's all just so time consuming.
Meanwhile Sugar Ray's wife was chilling on Ellis Island with a random menagerie of acquaintances and one of them was eaten by a shark WITHOUT the use of gale-force winds?
That's honestly just a regular ol' shark attack. Fortunately our main gal Kari Wuhrer (Hellraiser 6: Deader, one of the better DTV sequels) used quick thinking and TAZED THE SH*T out of that shark.
Unfortunately, it may have been too late:
Not sure what was going on here or why it mattered, but a sewer guy was attacked by an alligator and the alligator was attacked by a shark:
K thanks, Sharknado 2. A lot of this movie felt like someone who doesn't live in New York just brainstormed every cliché about the city they'd ever seen on TV and then added all of those things to the script and then slapped product placements on top. This guy knows what I'm talking about:
Here's famous blogger Just Jared getting eaten by a shark:
Because yeah, there were sharks in the subway now and you better BELIEVE they'll jump a turnstile.
It's not clear how sharks managed to bite off the back half of a subway car (as far as I know there weren't any mechalodons in the mix), but it didn't matter. All that mattered was that Ian Ziering had to murder a shark with a broken baseball bat right there in the subway car (we've all been there). Also he had to deal with this darling scenario:
So then Russell Simmons was running around with a briefcase of money and you can guess what happened next.
Just kidding! There were no sharks involved at all, only this lady:
Yeah, so, again. The main problem at this point was probably just the tornados. (Which nobody ever called hurricanes even though they were definitely hurricanes.) Like don't tell me sharks did THIS:
See, look at 'em go:
Get out of here, you twisty assholes. Stop throwing sharks at all the buildings.
Then things started to get VERY interesting indeed:
Oh Tara Reid you rascal! What are you up to, girl?
Then Ian Ziering went to a pizza store where he met LL Cool J.
They bickered for a minute about where the propane tanks were, but then a shark came through the ceiling and they teamed up to deal with it:
But Ian Ziering wasn't the only one getting RESULTS. For example, his nephew and brother-in-law ran into a liquor store and bought super soakers in the dead of winter.
The ladies of Ellis Island finally took a boat back to Manhattan and decided they needed wheels and FAST. That's when one of them got a great idea:
Back at the hospital Tara Reid was being a hero by saving all the sick children.
Sela Ward did the same thing in The Day After Tomorrow and we all know what happened to her. (What happened to Sela Ward though?)
Tara Reid did NOT appreciate the look this shark gave her when it slipped right on by her and rolled into the driveway:
It was a truly poignant and powerful moment. You know that Bette Midler song "From a Distance" where "you look like my friend even though we are at war"? This was like that but with Tara Reid and a shark.
Then Ian Ziering used sharks like delicate stepping stones!
Ian Ziering pranced atop sharks! I honestly never thought I'd live to see the day, yet here we are. What a world.
Vivica A. Fox was being very helpful about everything but it was very clear that she had one thing on her mind still and it was NOT makos.
So then Wendy Williams started lagging behind the other ladies on their CitiBikes!
And then a WHALE SHARK landed on her. That's right, one of Neptune's most peaceful citizens got swept up into this hellish melee. Just a damn shame. Definitely the God of the Old Testament was behind this.
This concierge did not seem very concerned about the carnage going on outside, but he seemed VERY concerned about Sugar Ray's family. Get your own family, guy.
Then Vivica A. Fox finally got out a sword. Not the sword she REALLY wanted to get out (Ian Ziering's penis), but an actual metal one:
Then they ran around the building and Ian Ziering tripped over a basket and fell down for some reason:
Also they'd fired propane tanks into the sharknado but it didn't die, but it DID drop dozens of flaming sharks onto citizens:
So, to be honest, that whole propane tank idea did not work. Yes it worked perfectly in the first movie, but times change and so do the ever-shifting realities of shark-based weather systems. But still, Ian Ziering had faith that he was the only person who could bring calm to this terrorized city:
And just when it looked like he was losing everybody's attention, he got it RIGHT back:
A lot of you may not know that Great White Sharks are made of soft marzipan, but it's true and Sharknado 2 finally got it right.
Meanwhile Tara Reid saw a table of circular saws and got a very good idea.
Tara Reid is the Platonic Ideal of a lady. "Ohhhhhhh yeah." —Plato.
So then the idea was, I guess, to spray the sharknados with Freon before they joined up into a super duper sharknado, and the only way do that was to harness the lightning, duh, I'm surprised you didn't know that. But these characters don't know a lot about electrical currents because suddenly this was happening:
But credit where credit's due: THEY DID IT. The killed those sharknados. But unfortunately Vivica A. Fox didn't make it:
But Ian Ziering DID make it, and he was up in midair kicking shark butt all over the sky.
I mean, yeah, the tornados were dead so that meant the people below had to deal with a sudden rainfall of carnivorous fish:
But the greatest death was not by trident, nor super soaker, nor stiletto...
DEATH BY EMPIRE STATE BUILDING!
So then Ian Ziering and Tara Reid were both on top of the Empire State Building and he really needed a gun to shoot indiscriminately into the sky with, so luckily the shark that had bitten off Tara Reid's arm while she was holding Worf's gun was just lying dead nearby. So look what he did:
It was honestly a very romantic moment, especially when he threw Tara Reid's old arm on the ground. (It was too slimy, nobody wants that.) And then he proposed! Again!
And then a fireworks truck caught on fire and the Empire State Building started acting like it thought it was cute:
Probably the least deserved fireworks display in movie history, but that's fine. Anyway, finally, during the credits, Ian Ziering ate pizza:
So that was Sharknado 2! It was definitely the second one, the big, spared-most-expenses sequel to the internet's favorite movie. Did it have highlights? Sure. Did it have lowlights? I can't remember. Will there be more of these? Count on it, dude.
... Are sharknados real?
... No really, are they?
... Should Ian Ziering have picked Vivica A. Fox instead of Tara Reid?
... What was your favorite product placement?