One week after the premiere of his "starring vehicle" on SyFy, the sea creature speaks out in a Letter to the Editor written exclusively for TV.com.
Sharktopus not feeling so great today. It now almost one week since Sharktopus' first ever starring vehicle Sharktopus premiere on SyFy channel, and Sharktopus must admit: afterglow starting to fade. Now that champagne is drunk and confetti litter floor of hotel room, Sharktopus all alone and starting to feel introspective. Is Sharktopus documentary a realistic portrayal of Sharktopus life? Or has Sharktopus been burned by unflattering edit? Sharktopus leaning toward latter.
Sharktopus not perfect. Sharktopus born in test tube and raised in corporate weapons laboratory without guidance or parental affection. It no wonder Sharktopus never learned difference between right and wrong. Sharktopus just another victim of the system.
That said, Sharktopus also love to eat people. Sharktopus can't help it! Sharktopus half shark, half octopus! But there much more to Sharktopus than beach carnage and ocean murder. Documentary not show it, but Sharktopus has many hobbies and interests. For instance, Sharktopus enjoy braiding kelp. Also, Sharktopus collect things that drift to bottom of ocean, like license plates and human bones. Sharktopus wonderful singer. None of these activities featured in documentary!
Don't get Sharktopus wrong, Sharktopus love being in spotlight. Not every sea abomination gets own starring vehicle. Maybe Sharktopus just naive. Sharktopus thought documentary crew wanted to see Sharktopus' real-life experiences, show what Sharktopus go through in daily life. Yet final product just one massacre after another, strung together with confusing plotlines and humans posing in swimwear. Sharktopus not even know who those humans were, did not even meet most of them until red carpet premiere. Only human Sharktopus met during production was guy who play hero, but to be honest Sharktopus find him a little douchey.
Sharktopus like to say Sharktopus has no regrets. But still, Sharktopus would very much like go back in time and receive producer credit on documentary. That way Sharktopus would get input on final cut. Instead, Sharktopus now face humiliation and shame. Sharktopus more than just waking nightmare. Sharktopus has hopes and dreams too. Sharktopus sure wish Roger Corman's editors had been more even-handed.
Sharktopus has learned lesson about appearing in documentaries without reading fine print. Sharktopus suddenly sympathizes with people who agree to be on Intervention thinking all they are doing is smoking crack rock on camera, and then get tricked into family ambush. Sharktopus feeling very ambushed right now, but instead of concerned parents—which Sharktopus DOESN'T HAVE—it's just Hollywood, trying to exploit Sharktopus for good ratings. But Hollywood not understand or care that Sharktopus has feelings!
What's next for Sharktopus? Sharktopus will check out of Travelodge and walk back into ocean. Perhaps braid more kelp or perhaps be overcome by guilt, go limp, and sink into Mariana Trench. Sharktopus will try to keep chin up, but Sharktopus make no promises. Also, Sharktopus not have well-defined chin.
Sharktopus still waiting to hear back from SyFy about Sharktopus 2. Sharktopus not get hopes up.