Show 101: Desperate Housewives

Hey, ladies.

SHOW: Desperate Housewives

NOW SHOWING: Season 6 premieres Sunday, September 27 at 9 p.m.

AIRS: Sundays at 9 p.m., ABC

WHY YOU MIGHT LOVE IT: Voyeurism? Noir? Sex? Scandal? Murder? Vengeance? All of the above! DH is a virtual clusterf**k of delicious drama. Oh, also, James Denton. Yum.

WHY YOU MIGHT HATE IT: Excessive. Unrealistic. Trashy. Decadent. Confusing. Disturbing. DH is corporate-created crack cocaine for dumb middle-aged women. I'm going to go watch Lost now.

THE PREMISE: Holy crap. Distilling five seasons of the drama on Wisteria Lane is like ... stuffing an elephant into a suitcase? Here goes: Susan Mayer (Teri Hatcher), Bree Hodge (Marcia Cross), Lynette Scavo (Felicity Huffman), and Gabriele Solis (Eva Longoria-Parker) live on too-quaint Wisteria Lane in sickeningly-sweet suburbia. They spend the entire first season trying to figure out why another housewife, Mary Alice Young (Brenda Strong) committed suicide. In the meantime, hottie-with-a-past Mike Delfino (Denton) moves onto the Lane, catching the attention of Susan and town slut Edie Britt (Nicolette Sheridan). Gabriele sleeps with the gardner, Bree's husband Rex (Steven Culp) dies, they kind of solve the Young mystery. Housewife Betty Applewhite (Alfre Woodard) rolls in for Season 2, shrouding the Lane in mystery. Bree dates evil pharmacist George (Roger Bart), Lynette goes back to work, and Orson (Kyle MacLachlan) makes his entrance. Season 3 marks the marriage of Bree and Orson, who turns out to be (surprise!) mysterious. Edie moves in on Mike. Gabrielle divorces her hubby. Since Betty has moved away, the Lane needs a new Lady. Enter Katherine Mayfair (Dana Delaney). By this time, Susan and Mike are married, Lynette has cancer, and there's now a gay couple on the Lane. At the end of Season 4, the show skips ahead 5 years, where Season 5 begins. Marital problems ensue for most of the couples, and by the end of the season we know that EDIE IS DEAD AND BROUGHT A SECRET TO HER GRAVE. Also: Mike is getting married again but OMG TO WHOM? Katherine or Susan? Susan or Katherine?

Deep breath.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW: Most fans are concerned with the Susan-Mike love story, which always looks like a love triangle but never really is. Sometimes Edie sneaks in there, other times Katherine sneaks in there, but it's generally understood that they Susan and Mike NEED to be together. Bree is a little harder to root for, mostly because she's cold and shallow and completely obsessed with being a perfect housewife. But she has her fun, namely by (discreetly) sleeping around and drinking. Gabrielle is the same way: She's a terrible, shallow person, but her antics are a little sillier and her affairs are much more fun to watch. She also -- kind of -- becomes a better person as she gets older.

Season 6 means there's a new family on the block -- the Bolens, one of whom is Sopranos alum Drea de Matteo. Expect the usual cliffhangers, the standard corruption, and of course, the adorable little suspense-building violin notes peppered throughout each episode.