Look, (most) summer television isn't fun for anyone, but it's coming anyway. You could spend the next three months punching numbers into your remote control like a barbarian, hoping to randomly find something you like, or you could be a civilized human being and look at this labor-intensive schedule that we spent years putting together just for you! Three interns died making this, so don't let their deaths go in vain.
SUNDAY, MAY 26
Arrested Development Season 4 TV.COM PICK! (midnight PST, Netflix)
MONDAY, MAY 27
The Bachelorette Season 9, featuring Desiree Hartsock (8pm, ABC)
The Glades Season 4 (9pm, A&E)
Longmire Season 2 (10pm, A&E)
TUESDAY, MAY 28
Brooklyn DA SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, CBS)
Produced by CBS News, this six-part documentary series focuses on the work and personal lives of an "eclectic" group of men and women in the Kings County District Attorney's Office. CBS is already making a big deal out of this one, but we expect it to be pretty standard docu-reality fare.
Extreme Weight Loss (a.k.a. Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition) Season 2 (8pm, ABC)
WEDNESDAY, MAY 29
The American Baking Competition SERIES PREMIERE (8pm, CBS)
Ten amateur bakers compete to win $250,000 in this Americanized take on the U.K.'s The Great British Bakeoff. Jeff Foxworthy hosts, so we can only guess that there will at some point be a challenge involving Redneck Velvet cupcakes.
Melissa and Joey Season 3 (8pm, ABC Family)
Baby Daddy Season 2 (8:30pm, ABC Family)
Dancing Fools SERIES PREMIERE (9pm, ABC Family)
If America's Funniest Home Videos only trafficked in videos of people dancing, it'd be this. Hosted by Baby Daddy's Melissa Peterman.
What Would You Do? (10pm, ABC)
SUNDAY, JUNE 2
The Killing Season 3 (8pm, AMC)
The Next Food Network Star Season 9 (9pm, Food Network)
The Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 5 (8pm, Bravo)
The Venture Bros. Season 5 TV.COM PICK! (midnight, Adult Swim)
MONDAY, JUNE 3
The Fosters SERIES PREMIERE (9pm, ABC Family)
The PSA opportunities abound in this one-hour family drama about a lesbian couple raising a brood comprised of both biological and foster kids.
Mistresses SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, ABC)
Based on the British series that featured Fringe's Anna Torv in a lesbian relationship with the mom from Terra Nova, this U.S. remake stars Alyssa Milano, Rochelle Aytes, Yunjin Kim, and Jes Macallan as ladies who have lots of adulterous sex for our entertainment. A soapy page-turner for the summer set.
Push Girls Season 2 (10pm, Sundance)
Teen Wolf Season 3 TV.COM PICK! (10pm, MTV)
TUESDAY, JUNE 4
America's Got Talent Season 8 (9pm, NBC)
Bang Goes the Theory (9pm, BBC America)
Twisted SERIES PREMIERE (9pm, ABC Family)
A 16-year-old dude whose character description is basically "troubled past!" reconnects with his two female childhood best pals, then becomes a murder suspect when a girl from school is found dead in her home. Plus mysteries! Avian Jogia (Victorious, Aliens in America) stars; Denise Richards plays his mom.
Total Blackout Season 3 (9pm, Syfy)
Exit SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, Syfy)
Teams of two try to escape a series of "mind-bendingly diabolical" rooms in this game show based on the Japanese series Dero!. Okay, but will they have to sniff any butts?
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 5
Paranormal Witness Season 3 (10pm, Syfy)
Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman Season 4 (10pm, Science)
THURSDAY, JUNE 6
The Hero SERIES PREMIERE (8pm, TNT)
Another reality competition show. Nine ordinary people take on an "epic" series of physical, mental, and moral challenges designed by host Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, and America votes on who should win money and honor and glory and blah blah blah.
Burn Notice Season 7 (9pm, USA)
72 Hours SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, TNT)
This reality competition show (are you sensing a theme yet?) abandons three teams of strangers in the wilderness with a single bottle of water and a GPS tracking device, then gives them three days to find a hidden briefcase containing $100,000. So... The Amazing Race meets Man vs. Wild meets Take the Money and Run meets Survivor?
Graceland SERIES PREMIERE TV.COM PICK! (10pm, USA)
From the creator of White Collar comes this drama with laughs about undercover agents from various government agencies (FBI, DEA, CIA, and more) who live under the same roof in a Souther California beach house. And yes, there's a chore wheel.
In the Flesh MINISERIES PREMIERE TV.COM PICK! (10pm, BBC America)
This new take on the zombie genre depicts what happens when the dead return from the grave but are allowed to rejoin society instead of endure axes to the head. It's a quick one: just three episodes.
FRIDAY, JUNE 7
Continuum Season 2 (10pm, Syfy)
SATURDAY, JUNE 8
Sam & Cat SERIES PREMIERE (8pm, Nickelodeon)
iCarly's Sam Puckett and Victorious's Cat Valentine become BFFs and roommates in who start a babysitting service in this mashup of a spinoff starring Jennette McCurdy and Ariana Grande.
Sinbad U.S. SERIES PREMIERE (9pm, Syfy)
This one-season-and-done British import is a drama about the comedian from Houseguest as he sails the Seven Seas! Oh, I'm wrong. It's about the legendary sailor.
Primeval: New World U.S. SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, Syfy)
This U.K. series finally lands in the U.S. and follows a group of scientists and animal experts as they defend the world against portal-hopping creatures from the past and future... IN CANADA! This series was also canceled after one season.
SUNDAY, JUNE 9
The 67th Annual Tony Awards, hosted by Neil Patrick Harris AWARDS SHOW! (8pm, CBS)
Falling Skies Season 3 (10pm, TNT)
MONDAY, JUNE 10
Switched at Birth Season 2.5 (8pm, ABC Family)
The Winner Is... SERIES PREMIERE (9pm, NBC)
Yet another weird competition show. Singers of all ages compete in head-to-head vocal duels in front of a panel judges led by an as-yet-unnamed celebrity, but in a "unique twist," before they find out their fate they can negotiate with each other for somebody to leave the show in exchange for a predetermined cash prize. Or something like that. Nick Lachey hosts, and there's a million bucks on the line. Hey NBC, why don't you just make Bamboozled instead?
Major Crimes Season 2 (9pm, TNT)
King & Maxwell SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, TNT)
Jon Tenney and Rebecca Romijn star as the titular characters, whom TNT promises "aren't your typical private investigators" because they're both former Secret Service agents; one is also a former Olympian, and the other had to leave the Secret Service when his charge was assassinated. The network logline praises their "razor-sharp chemistry" but also points out that they "clash over everything," so perhaps they'll rely on their trusty ampersand to rule in cases of marketing dept. contradictions?
The Daily Show with John Oliver KINDA-SORTA SERIES PREMIERE (11pm, Comedy Central)
John Oliver begins his temporary, eight-week reign while John Stewart takes some time off to direct a film. (Stewart will return in September.)
TUESDAY, JUNE 11
Pretty Little Liars Season 4 (8pm, ABC Family)
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 12
Ghost Hunters Season 9.5 (9pm, Syfy)
Royal Pains Season 5 (9pm, USA)
Necessary Roughness Season 3 (10pm, USA)
Deon Cole's Black Box SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, TBS)
The comedian and Conan writer discusses current events and pop culture.
THURSDAY, JUNE 13
Intervention (9pm, A&E)
Sullivan and Son Season 2 (10pm, TBS)
FRIDAY, JUNE 14
Magic City Season 2 (9pm, Starz)
SATURDAY, JUNE 15
Zero Hour BURNOFF EPISODES! (8pm, ABC)
SUNDAY, JUNE 16
2013 Miss USA Competition AWARDS SHOW! (9pm, NBC)
True Blood Season 6 TV.COM PICK! (10pm, HBO)
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 19
Franklin & Bash Season 3 (9pm, TNT)
Futurama Season 7 TV.COM PICK! (10pm, Comedy Central)
Hot in Cleveland Season 4.5 (10pm, TV Land)
The Exes Season 3 (10:30pm, TV Land)
The Soul Man Season 2 (11pm, TV Land)
THURSDAY, JUNE 20
Wilfred Season 3 TV.COM PICK! (10pm, FX)
SATURDAY, JUNE 22
666 Park Avenue BURNOFF EPISODES! (9pm, ABC)
SUNDAY, JUNE 23
Celebrity Wife Swap (8pm, ABC)
Crossing Lines SERIES PREMIERE (9pm, NBC)
Donald Sutherland and William Fichtner star in this procedural about a special crime unit that hunts down globe-trotting bad guys for the International Criminal Court.
Whodunnit? SERIES PREMIERE (9pm, ABC)
This reality series is essentially one of the most expensive Dinner and a Murder party games ever, with contestants stuck in a mansion solving fake crimes with high-tech forensic equipment.
Copper Season 2 (10pm, BBC America)
Drop Dead Diva Season 5 (9pm, Lifetime)
Devious Maids SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, Lifetime)
Once set up at ABC, this sudsy drama from Desperate Housewives creator Marc Cherry follows Hispanic maids in Beverly Hills as they get into naughty business as they attempt to achieve their dreams of being rich like the white people they clean for.
MONDAY, JUNE 24
Under the Dome SERIES PREMIERE TV.COM PICK! (10pm, CBS)
Based on the Stephen King novel, a small town is completely isolated when a mysterious force field shuts it off from the rest of the world. As the people on the outside struggle to get them out, some on the inside take advantage of the situation.
TUESDAY, JUNE 25
Rizzoli & Isles Season 4 (9pm, TNT)
Perception Season 2 (10pm, TNT)
Catfish Season 2 (10pm, MTV)
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 26
Big Brother Season 15 (9pm, CBS)
SATURDAY, JUNE 29
Do No Harm BURNOFF EPISODES! (10pm, NBC)
SUNDAY, JUNE 30
Dexter Season 8 TV.COM PICK! (9pm, Showtime)
Ray Donovan SERIES PREMIERE TV.COM PICK! (10pm, Showtime)
Liev Schreiber stars as the titular Ray, a "fixer" for Hollywood hotshots who can solve any type of problem. But he can't fix the problem of his troublesome dad (Jon Voight), who comes back into Ray's life after a jail term!
MONDAY, JULY 1
American Ninja Warrior (8pm, NBC)
Siberia SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, NBC)
What happens when a reality show that sends 16 people into the Siberian wasteland goes very, very wrong? This scripted series will tell us.
FRIDAY, JULY 5
LIfe's Too Short SERIES FINALE SPECIAL! (HBO)
Ricky Gervais is behind this comedy that stars little-person actor Warwick Davis as he tries to get a sequel to Willow made.
MONDAY, JULY 8
Get Out Alive With Bear Grylls SERIES PREMIERE (9pm, NBC)
It's basically Survivor, but with Bear Grylls there to help contestants make it through the wilds of New Zealand instead of that useless, condescending Jeff Probst.
Dangerman: The Incredible Mr. Goodwin SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, BBC America)
If the title is to be believed, this reality series will be dangerous AND incredible (Mr. Goodwin is apparently "a new breed of escapologist and a professional dangerman," and the show will go behind the scenes of a bunch of his public stunts).
TUESDAY, JULY 9
Drunk History SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, Comedy Central)
The Funny Or Die web series is becoming a full-fledged show; Season 1 will run for eight episodes and feature cameos from Connie Britton, Michael Cera, Aubrey Plaza, Kristen Wiig, Fred Willard, and tons more famous funny people. Bob Odenkirk is playing Richard Nixon in the series premiere.
The Jeselnik Offensive Season 2 (10:30pm, Comedy Central)
WEDNESDAY, JULY 10
The Bridge SERIES PREMIERE TV.COM PICK! (10pm, FX)
The latest great-looking series from FX is a crime drama about a pair of detectives–one American and one Mexican–tracking a serial killer that murders on both sides of the border. Diane Kruger and Demián Bichir star.
Camp SERIES PREMIERE TV.COM PICK! (10pm, NBC)
A freshly divorced summer-camp director (Six Feet Under's Rachel Griffiths) goes back to work with a bunch of college-aged counselors, kid-aged campers, and that rival camp from across the lake!
THURSDAY, JULY 11
Orange Is the New Black SERIES PREMIERE TV.COM PICK! (midnight PST, Netflix)
Jenji Kohan (Weeds) adapted Piper Kerman's memoir about her time spent in a women's prison and the unlikely friendships made inside.
Summer Camp SERIES PREMIERE (8pm, USA)
Not to be confused with NBC's Camp (see July 10), this is a reality competition show bringing 16 adults from all walks of life together to relive their days at summer camp.
Hollywood Game Night SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, NBC)
Jane Lynch hosts this gathering of "A-list" celebrities (we'll see about that, NBC) who gather around to play games with each other. It's based on the real-life game nights hosted by producer and NBC star Sean Hayes. At last! An honest look into the private lives of celebrities!
FRIDAY, JULY 12
Comedy Bang! Bang! Season 2 TV.COM PICK! (10pm, IFC)
SATURDAY, JULY 13
Being Human U.K. Season 5 (10pm, BBC America)
SUNDAY, JULY 14
The Newsroom Season 2 (10pm, HBO)
TUESDAY, JULY 16
Whose Line Is It Anyway? REBOOT SERIES PREMIERE TV.COM PICK! (8pm, The CW)
The long-running and consistently hilarious improv "game show" comes back from the dead via the home of Gossip Girl. Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie, and Wayne Brady return, but since Drew Carey is off debating the prices of dishwashers with penny-pinchers, Aisha Tyler (Archer) takes over as host.
Perfect Score SERIES PREMIERE (9pm, The CW)
What happens when you smash Deal Or No Deal and The Dating Game together? This very summery reality competition show! Two contestants take compatibility tests with 12 singles of the opposite sex, and the contestant who picks their best match wins cash and a date with the match and then they fall in love and get married and have kids and grow old together. Or they give each other handies in the parking lot and never see each other again.
Covert Affairs Season 4 (9pm, USA)
Joe Rogan Questions Everything SERIES PREMIERE (9pm, Syfy)
Joe Rogan once uncovered the truth about Carlos Mencia's joke-stealing ways, and now he'll uncover the truth about paranormal activity! Why? Because he's Joe Rogan, that's why!
Killer Contact (formerly Notorious Hauntings) SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, Syfy)
Another one of Syfy's paranormal investigation shows, this time with the gullible ghost hunters checking out historical sites around the globe and cracking the backstory behind disgusting crimes. This season the team will investigate Jack the Ripper, Vlad the Impaler, and the Borgias.
Suits Season 3 TV.COM PICK! (10pm, USA)
Deal With It SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, TBS)
This hidden-camera reality show lets unsuspecting participants prank their friends with no time to prepare. How hilarious!
WEDNESDAY, JULY 17
2013 ESPY Awards AWARDS SHOW! SPORTS! (6pm Pacific / 9pm Eastern, ESPN)
THURSDAY, JULY 18
Project Runway Season 12 (9pm, Lifetime)
MONDAY, JULY 22
Breaking Pointe Season 2 (9pm, The CW)
TUESDAY, JULY 23
Web Therapy Season 3 (11pm, Showtime)
WEDNESDAY, JULY 24
The Vineyard SERIES PREMIERE (9pm, ABC Family)
A bunch of kids live in Martha's Vineyard and cameras follow them. Next!
Haunted Highway Season 3 (10pm, Syfy)
Top Chef Masters Season 5 (10pm, Bravo)
THURSDAY, JULY 25 BUT TECHNICALLY FRIDAY, JULY 26
Childrens Hospital Season 5 TV.COM PICK! (12am, Adult Swim)
NTSF:SD:SUV Season 3 TV.COM PICK! (12:15am, Adult Swim)
SATURDAY, JULY 27
Animation Domination High-Def SERIES PREMIERE TV.COM PICK! NEW BLOCK! (11pm, Fox)
This crazy block of insane cartoons will totally trip you out, man. Featuring the television adaptation of Axe Cop.
SUNDAY, JULY 28
Unforgettable Season 2 (9pm, CBS)
MONDAY, JULY 29
The Writers' Room SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, Sundance)
Each week, Community's Jim Rash hosts this roundtable discussion featuring the writers of popular shows, such as Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones, and New Girl.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 31
Capture (formerly The Hunt) SERIES PREMIERE (9pm, The CW)
Do you like The Hunger Games but not like the slaughter of children? This reality competition series puts 12 teams of two into an enclosed area in the wilderness where they live for a month and compete for resources. The winner gets a lot of cash, the losers DIE.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 1
The Awesomes SERIES PREMIERE (Hulu)
A team of semi-superheroes are the subject of this Hulu-exclusive animated series from Seth Meyers.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 2
America's Next Top Model Season 20 (8pm, The CW)
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 7
Broadchurch U.S. SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, BBC America)
All you need to know is that this stars David Tennant (Doctor Who). But if you want to know more, it's like a British The Killing with Tennant starring as a cop investigating the murder of an 11-year-old boy on the beach of Dorset.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 10
Hell on Wheels Season 3 (9pm, AMC)
The White Queen SERIES PREMIERE (9pm, Starz)
This period piece plops viewers down in 1464 England and follows three potential queens—Elizabeth Woodville, Margaret Beaufort, and Anne Neville—as they each try to grab the crown. There will be betrayal and murder.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 11
Teen Choice 2013 AWARDS SHOW! (8pm, Fox)
Breaking Bad Season 5.5/6 TV.COM PICK! (9pm, AMC)
Low Winter Sun SERIES PREMIERE TV.COM PICK! (10pm, AMC)
Based on the British series of the same name, the latest from AMC follows a Detroit cop who gets pulled into the criminal underworld after he kills a fellow pig.
Talking Bad SERIES PREMIERE (11pm, AMC)
As Talking Dead is to The Walking Dead, Talking Bad is to Breaking Bad.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 15
Owner's Manual SERIES PREMIERE (9pm, AMC)
In this reality series, two men will take different approaches to operate some heavy-duty machinery. One will go by the book and read the owner's manual, and the other will be a MAN and just dive right in without any help.
The Pitch Season 2 (10pm, AMC)
SUNDAY, AUGUST 25
2013 MTV Video Music Awards AWARDS SHOW! (8pm, MTV)
TUESDAY, AUGUST 27
Face Off Season 5 (9pm, Syfy)
Cosworld SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, Syfy)
Syfy takes a look into the world of cosplay—the hobby/lifestyle of dressing up as famous fictional characters.
We'll update this story as we get more info! Help us out by telling us what's missing in the comments!
What shows are on YOUR summer viewing schedule?