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Survivor: Five Alive!

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What's that low shuffle coming down from the mountains, bumbling out of the jungle? What's that matted tuft of steel wool fluff bobbing down the trail there, galoopmfing and galumpfing and trundling? Why, it's a shambling shambles, a pile of mulleted brambles. It's Shambo! Yes m'am, hoo-ra and semper fiddles, the shambling shambles that is Shambo has finally been pushed out to sea in her little bathtub, left to float whimsically off into the sunset, singing one of her cooing chicken songs. Are you surprised? Sad? Happy? Left, well, a shambles? I'm kind of all of that.

Because as occasionally irksome and vaguely embarrassing as Shambo was, she was, in fact, the key player in this whole damn game. Forget Russell. If Shambo hadn't been that crucial swing vote right from the merge on, the great Foa Foa supremacy never would have happened. Russell would have just been chum for the purple Galu sharks. So, really, Shambo is the person who most affected this game, and she should be proud of that. Final six! Way to go, weirdo. To that end, it is a little sad to see her off.

But it's also good, because it means that Foa Foa remains united going into Sunday's season finale. And that's how it should be, the final four taking it as far as they can take it. Though, there's still that pesky Brett character to deal with. Brett whose dumpling-cheeked good looks have faded and thinned into a kind of strange, scrawny mania. Brett who all of a sudden started spouting bible verse and acting totally Jesusy with Natalie. Brett who broke my fattened TV heart with all of his nice-boy corniness last night. Let's get rid of him. He's such driftwood. He really doesn't deserve to go any farther, because he hasn't really played any game until the past coupla island days. Now he's winning immunity when it matters, but beforehand he was just that silent chestnutty beauty in the background, not saying or doing anything. And I don't like the silent sneak strategy of Survivor victory. I like the folks, like the Foa Foa Four-a, who get into the muck and stick their necks out and really till the earth of the game. Brett's just a little godly Gumby, all pliable and guileless. I hope he doesn't win the next immunity challenge.

If he does? I think it's Dr. McSexpants who will be sent onto the jury. What, exactly, is going on with Mick's pants? He's always blurred out! Pull your shorts up, dude. I know you lost weight, but this is a family show. I think it'll be him because, well, who else would it be? I think Russell is genuine in his loyalty to Natalie, and maybe also to Jaison. The real problem, though, is that I'm not sure who he'd beat in the final two. Would the jury vote for Russell over Mick? Probably not. I mean, just look at Mick. He's practically a joke, the handsome and chisel-jawed doctor. The jury can't not vote for that. And Jaison the Whiner? I don't know. He's played a solid game of second-in-command, so the jury might respect that. But most importantly, I think they'd much rather give him the cash than Russell the scheming millionaire. I think Russell is wise to assume that the only person he can beat in a final two-off is Natalie. Why? Because I don't think the jury likes remoras. And I think they especially don't like remoras when they come in perky blonde packages and speak with a twang. It would be awesome if Natalie did clinch it in the end, because wowee who woulda seen that coming back in the beginning of the season, but I think she'd lose out to a grudging appreciation for Russell's undeniable mastery.

What else to say... Wouldn't it be interesting if Jaison and Mick and Natalie were like, "PEACE, RUSSELL!" and kicked his butt off? It'd make for a way more interesting jury vote. But I don't think that'll happen. I think they're all fairly convinced that they'll beat Russell if they can just hold on until the final two. The real blood will likely come when Natalie and Russell and Jaison are the only three left and they have to turn on each other. Unless, of course, Brett somehow manages to stay in the game, in which case all bets are certainly off.

What do you think, dear reader? How's this all gonna go down on Sunday?

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