Take Our Speedy True Blood Refresher Course

  • 42comments

Even a chickadee waiting for the spring doesn't know the song that fills my heart when the weather warms and I think of the first twangy notes of True Blood's opening credits. To know that I'll be sitting across the room from new footage of this HBO tour de force in just a few days makes my heart twist and my blood boil. But first I have to remember what the hell happened a year ago! True Blood moves fast—and it takes out characters, sexes up triangles, and leaves bodies in its wake. So I've prepared a little rundown (blood? runs down? the wall? with bits of Tara's brain in it?) to catch up with our Bon Temps kin and figure out WHAT they are, WHO they're doing, WHAT they've done, and the burning questions we're hoping this Sunday's Season 5 premiere will address.

I've decided to illustrate our dramatis personae with fan art culled from the internets because I am absolutely riveted by this show, and tangible evidence that other people are too comforts me and makes me feel less alone. Plus *some* fan art is *hilarious* and other pieces are completely gorgeous, just like True Blood itself. If there's no lovingly rendered fan art for the character, consider it a personal challenge to come up with some of your own, because you'll be charting virgin territory.



CHARACTER: SOOKIE STACKHOUSE

STATUS: Mortal human + arbitrary fairy powers

EFFED LAST: Eric (when he was her vulnerable, kind-hearted roommate)

KILLED LAST: Debbie Pelt (After Debbie shot the back of Tara’s head off)

BIG QUESTION: For Sookie, the love triangle always looms largest. Will Sookie choose Eric, Bill, or “other” for her romantic lead this season?

CHARACTER: ERIC NORTHMAN

STATUS: Vampire (immortal)

EFFED LAST: Sookie

KILLED LAST: Nan Flanagan's guards

BIG QUESTION: Now that we know deep down Eric is a quivering, love-struck sweetheart, will the writers play with that depth or make him even crueler and more sardonic than ever before?

CHARACTER: BILL COMPTON

STATUS: Vampire (immortal)

EFFED LAST: Portia Bellefleur (before he realized she was—whoops!—actually his great-great-great-great granddaughter or something)

KILLED LAST: Nan Flanagan, who was marked for death by the Authority

BIG QUESTION: Will Bill spend this season absorbed by vampire politics, or protecting Sookie?

CHARACTER: TARA THORNTON

STATUS: Schrödinger's cat

EFFED LAST: That hot cage-wrasslin’ gal from New Orleans

KILLED LAST: Memorably bashed in a vampire’s head in Season 3 with an antique poker

BIG QUESTION: Tara’s head was practically blown off in the Season 4 finale. If she’s coming back, will it be as a vampire? (Bonus: Vote on Tara's fate in our poll!)

CHARACTER: PAM

STATUS: Vampire (immortal)

EFFED LAST: Pam had a dry spell last season because her face was falling off. We’ve all been there, girl!

KILLED LAST: Pam tried to kill frumpy Wiccan Marnie and Sookie with a bazooka after Bill and Eric ridiculously agreed to kill each other for Sookie’s benefit.

BIG QUESTION: When (not if but when) will Pam and Eric make up?

CHARACTER: LAFAYETTE REYNOLDS

STATUS: Mortal (when he’s not channeling demons)

EFFED LAST: His boyfriend, Jesus

KILLED LAST: His boyfriend, Jesus (he was possessed by Marnie)

BIG QUESTION: What will Lafayette’s hair be doing and what will be woven into it when we rejoin him in Bon Temps? Also, will he be dating a ghost?

CHARACTER: ALCIDE

STATUS: Werewolf (mortal)

EFFED LAST: Debbie Pelt

KILLED LAST: Marcus, leader of the werewolves

BIG QUESTION: What exactly happens to a werewolf who kills an Alpha? And will he be sore at Sookie for killing his ex, even if he did abjure the ho?

CHARACTER: JASON STACKHOUSE

STATUS: Mortal, possible ghost-daddy to countless Hotshot swamp babies

EFFED LAST: Jessica

KILLED LAST: Eggs (and he still hasn’t told Tara) (thanks for the reminder that he did eventually 'fess up after saving her from Franklin, intrepid commenters!)

BIG QUESTION: When last we saw Jason, he was face-to-face with Steven Newlin, former FOTS leader turned vampire. Is Jason OKAY?!?!

CHARACTER: JESSICA HAMBY

STATUS: Vampire (immortal) / HBO blogger

EFFED LAST: Jason Stackhouse

KILLED LAST: Jessica used to have a mischievous habit for hitting, quitting, and then killing truckers

BIG QUESTION: Is her hymen still re-growing every time she has sex? Is that hard for Jason as he is a recovered V-abuser?

CHARACTER: HOYT FORTENBERRY

STATUS: Mortal

EFFED LAST: Jessica (though he possibly hit up that biscuit girl off-screen as a rebound)

KILLED LAST: Beat Jason like a drum, but ultimately let him live

BIG QUESTION: Now that Hoyt is not on speaking terms with his best friend or his ex, will he be able to find a roommate?

CHARACTER: SAM MERLOTTE

STATUS: Shifter (mortal)

EFFED LAST: Luna, before after his stupid brother Tommy shift-shape-raped her

KILLED LAST: Sam was basically a hype-man for Alcide while Alcide was killing Marcus; he also let Tommy bleed out on a pool table (very good call)

BIG QUESTION: Will Sam do anything this season more interesting than slouching around in Wranglers?

CHARACTER: RUSSELL EDGINGTON

STATUS: Vampire (Immortal)

EFFED LAST: His sexy boyfriend

KILLED LAST: We wrongly assumed that Russell offed Steve Newlin, but it looks like he turned Steve instead

BIG QUESTION: Now that he’s apparently broken out of the cement floor that was supposed to imprison him, will he come after Bill and Eric, or Sookie?

CHARACTER: JESUS VELASQUEZ

STATUS: Dead

EFFED LAST: His boyfriend, Lafayette

KILLED LAST: Jesus did his damndest to kill Marnie; he also helped release Antonia

BIG QUESTION: Will Jesus stick around as a ghostly heartthrob, protecting Lafayette and occasionally summoning spirits? We certainly hope so.

CHARACTER: ARLENE FOWLER BELLEFLEUR

STATUS: Mortal, mother to a possibly demonic child

EFFED LAST: Her husband, Terry

KILLED LAST: This MILF is killin’ it all the time in her short-shorts and hot hair color (but only in a figurative sense)

BIG QUESTION: What should make her more scared: the apparition of Renee and her demon-seed baby or possibly still-schizo Terry?

CHARACTER: TERRY BELLEFLEUR

STATUS: Mortal

EFFED LAST: Arlene, his ever-lovin' woman

KILLED LAST: Cousin Andy's V addiction with a weekend of bromantics and tuff love

BIG QUESTION: Terry, are you crazy?

CHARACTER: ANDY BELLEFLEUR

STATUS: Almost too dumb to be alive

EFFED LAST: Some random fairy in the woods because he is that dumb

KILLED LAST: Claimed to have killed Eggs

BIG QUESTION: How much screen time will we have to suffer through with this dunce?

CHARACTER: SCREAMIN' FANGTASIA WAITRESS

STATUS: Mortal

EFFED LAST: Whoever bought her drinks last night

KILLED LAST: Almost us, via laughter

BIG QUESTION: What will make her scream hysterically this season, will she be wearing a visible thong when it happens, and is it possible that we will love her more than ever once she does?



What are your biggest questions going into Sunday's Season 5 premiere?

Like TV.com on Facebook

  • 8:00 pm
    Bad Teacher Nix the Fat Week
    NEW
    CBS
  •  
    Bet on Your Baby
    NEW
    ABC
  • 8:30 pm
    Bad Teacher Life Science
    NEW
    CBS
  • 10:00 pm
    Nightline Prime
    NEW
    ABC