I seen a rainbow yesterday,
But too many storms have come and gone,
Leaving a trace of not one God-given ray.
—Left Eye, "Waterfalls"
The only thing worse than bad times are bad times that immediately follow good times. You know? It's like one minute you're a carefree teenager backpacking around France or doing one-armed pull-ups while reading Jack London novels and then suddenly you're discovering corpses in broom closets or getting beaten nearly to death by a moon-crazed zamboni driver in an abandoned bank vault. Or to put it another way, sometimes you're just a horny teen who wants to get cray-nasty in a wine cellar with your best friend from preschool and then suddenly you're getting terrorized by a poltergeist and sucked out a storm window. Or to put it another way, sometimes you're taking your shirt off in front of four friendly hunks in the back of a veterinarian's office and then suddenly the hunks are drowning you in ice water. We have all been here before, these things happen to the best of us. But all of these "storms" would be easier to weather if we hadn't just "seen a rainbow yesterday." As the epic song-poem above suggests, the intermittent presence of good times often just serves to make the bad times more overwhelming. (Later on Left Eye also talks about "tootin' caine" but that part is not as relevant to this episode of Teen Wolf.)
Uh, there is A LOT to discuss about "Chaos Rising," only the second episode from Teen Wolf's new season, but one that felt straight-up packed with story and info. Like if information came in the form of Chicken McNuggets, the writers just threw a 40-piece right in our faces! There is a second high school in Beacon Hills? One of the twins prefers menfolk? Derek has a loft? Just those three things alone are a lot to chew on, but then there's the complicated heist double-cross trap plotline, werewolf mind-melding, a new twist in the Hale Family saga, plus anything and everything to do with Isaac MORE LIKE SIGHsaac. (Sorry.)
Okay let's do this:
After a quick and weird interlude in Allison's car in which she and Lydia drew on their new arm wounds with mascara pencils (I think?) the REAL action began at a rando house party where some blonde girl was telling her amazing friend that she wanted to hop on the nearest D and STAT.
As it turned out, these were students from the OTHER Beacon Hills high school (which, what?) and the blonde girl was an old childhood friend of Stiles' and most importantly his D was the D she wanted to jump on because it was her birthday and she has good taste let's be honest. It's about time this show stopped pretending Stiles is ladyparts-kryptonite! He is the opposite basically!
Anyway, Stiles seemed pretty cool with the idea even though TEENS AREN'T READY TO DO SEX. That is just my opinion but seriously teens, don't do sex until you are at least 40 and definitely not in musty old wine cellars.
This was a funny part: The blonde girl sent Stiles up to find condoms in her older brother's bathroom but they ended up being size XXL and Stiles looked super panicked about it. Quick question can the older brother please be a character in the future just wondering.
Then Allison rang the doorbell all frowned-up and showed Scott her arm wound that a sweaty, out-of-breath lady in sweatpants had pressed into her arm earlier. Scott was flummoxed (obviously) and the whole thing was made even more awkward by all the tiny broken hearts fluttering around everybody's heads. Guys, go grab a coffee or something jeez.
Meanwhile the horny blonde lady was alone in the wine cellar and all the bottles started flying out and attacking her! It made me cringe when she stepped on broken glass but also so much wine was wasted! That was like two trips to Costco's worth of wine! And there didn't seem to be anyone else in the cellar, so in my opinion there was definitely some poltergeist junk going down. To top it all off, someone or something grabbed her and spirited her out the window!
Sorry horny lady! The interesting thing was that when Stiles came back downstairs he found her shoes, but no spilled wine or broken glass. What did it meaaaaaan?
Oh, here we go: Derek's new pad!
So yeah, he's no longer living at the burnt-down house nor in the abandoned subway station. In my opinion this high-rise loft is a bit of an upgrade. But then again I might've just been distracted by how all that heavenly golden light landed on Isaac.
(Does Isaac LIVE with Derek? Remember when Isaac's dad was murdered by a lizard and then the lizard trashed Isaac's house which was a terrible house to begin with but was directly across the street from Jackson's mansion? But my main question is does Isaac live with Derek now? Do they go to farmers markets together?)
Oh look, Derek and Isaac had a visitor, can you guess who it was?
Peter's back, everybody! I like this guy, he's a funny jerk. Also sometimes he turns into a terrible CGI cartoon and tears up a Blockbuster Video but it hasn't happened in a while. But in case you were wondering Peter is definitely still a werewolf because he busted out his claws and glowy eyes and also was able to read Isaac's memories by jabbing a pinkie-nail into Isaac's spine.
The reason for this was because Isaac had been held captive by the Alpha Pack before escaping just before the season premiere, BUT he had blocked out all those memories and they need to somehow retrieve them in order to find Erica and Boyd.
Unfortunately Peter could only make out shouting and fogginess. Knowing Peter there was a chance he arrived to the loft super stoned, but also maybe his powers weren't strong enough. Oh well.
Meanwhile at school, Derek had swung by to take a look at the ladies' wounds. He didn't know what it meant and more importantly he seemed really annoyed at Allison for all the hateration and holleration she'd brought to his dancery last season.
I did really like this moment when she was like, "Yo, you murdered my mom" and he was all, "Actually YOU GUYS did that, I merely turned her into a fabulous she-beast and she was a self-hater." Because Mrs. Argent didn't HAVE TO commit suicide! Her dumb upbringing compelled her to do that, a point that Allison has probably come to realize the more she's gotten to know more of the good-hearted hunky werewolves in her town.
Okay and so we also got to be reunited with some classic characters for whom there wasn't any time in the season premiere! Like, for example, this guy:
I guess he teaches Business Economics now. Still has a very sad and serious drug problem, however. Guys, I think Coach has been tootin' caine again.
Also, we got to see Danny again! Hey Danny, how was your summer? Also, who is the kid with the hungry eyes sitting beside you?
Speaking of hungry eyes:
Lydia apparently has A+ gaydar and immediately pegged one of the werewolf twunks as being on Danny's team. But it didn't really matter what orientation these guys were, they both had mad game. Just be careful Danny and Lydia, they are into some freaky stuff, bedroom-wise!
So then Allison decided to take her bruise-investigation to the next level!
I should've KNOWN that Allison pluralizes with apostrophes. I just should've known. (BTW are any of you maintaining Tumblrs devoted to fake search engines from TV shows, because "QuikLookuP" made me LOL so much.)
Okay, just wanted to point out some things from Allison's internet investigation into "Beacon Hills business logo's [sic]". First of all "Results: 0". Secondly, "Beacon Postal Service"? Is Beacon Hills somehow OUTSIDE of the United States and has its own postal service? Also, "NOW". Also, "Ancient Symbols." Are those stores in the Beacon Hills mall? And do you think The Beacon truly is a "grand hotel"? I mean, get real.
Meanwhile all the hunks gathered in the back of the veterinarian's office to peer pressure Isaac into drowning himself in ice cold water in order to retrieve more memories from his broken brain. It was a pretty serious endeavor so of course Stiles was joshing around all kinds.
Also: "Medicine for dogs."
I forget what happened next. Somebody drown me in ice water to make me remember! Oh right, it was this:
I love it when footage comes pre-captioned:
...Because SOMEBODY'S been working out.
So, uh, anyway.
Just, uh, just a normal scene of Isaac being tortured.
Did any of you catch this moment:
During his near-death trance convulsions Isaac grabbed Scott's hand for comfort! Ouch my heart.
So during his half-naked ice bath memory-jogging ceremony, Isaac was able to recall certain details about where Erica and Boyd were being kept. In an abandoned bank vault! Unfortunately he recalled one more detail that Stiles had to relay back to him once he'd broken his trance: Erica was D-E-D dead. Oh no!
So then the episode turned into a heist movie, complete with our heroes bent over a huge schematic and drawing a plan of attack in red Sharpie while a charismatic jerk sat off to the side trash talking them.
The part that made me laugh was that they decided to replicate a recent bank robbery but with one added improvement: Derek would simply punch a hole in the vault wall and enter it that way. When Stiles expressed skepticism about this particular aspect of the plan, Derek punched Stiles' hand all hard and I guess proved his point that bruising the palm of a teen boy's hand is pretty much the same as punching through 12 inches of concrete and marble.
The episode took a clever turn, however, when Allison stumbled across the abandoned bank first (just from running a QuikLookuP search of local logo's [sic]!) and arriving at the werewolf lair before anybody else did.
I don't know, I just appreciated that Allison was pro-active and clever, like the fierce independent Argent-born badass she'd evolved into last season.
Unfortunately she then proceeded to walk into that joint hugging herself all meekly, Elena Gilbert-style. Do NOT hug that person, Allison! Get out your butterfly knives and stay alert!
See what I'm saying? Within minutes, the guidance counselor tackled Allison and banished her to the janitor's closet, but not before cryptically warning her about staying put until the sounds of fighting commenced.
Sure enough, look who came a sniffin'! Luckily Allison was a quick thinker and dumped out a whole bottle of ammonia to cover up the smell of her, I don't know, Designer Impostors CkOne? Alpha Werewolf lady did not smell her, so Allison was relieved. Unfortunately she then turned on her cell phone flashlight and realized she wasn't alone in that closet:
Poor Erica! She was indeed dead. But also, poor actress who plays Erica! Girl, I hope you got paid your full day-rate, because that was definitely an inglorious way to go. Guys, I liked Erica, I'm pretty bummed she didn't have a better arc. Oh well.
So then Derek punched his way through the vault wall and then fell on the floor and then tried to play it off like he did it on purpose.
SURE, Derek. But at this point Stiles and Peter had stopped sassing each other long enough to both realize that the bank vault was made of some kind of magic mineral that blocks moonlight (?) therefore making the werewolves trapped inside unable to turn into werewolves and therefore super pent-up and angry and horny for the moon.
So yeah, that meant that Boyd and his unidentified lady companion were intentionally being denied werewolf privileges specifically so that they'd attack anyone who tried to rescue them. Which mean the whole thing was a trap!
Oh, but one more twist: That lady werewolf's identity?
She was Derek's sister! Not the one that got split in half in the pilot. Another one. One that didn't burn alive in Derek's burnt down house a long time ago. But yeah, it wasn't really a happy reunion because she was still super horny for the moon and very ticked about it.
Oh, and then the guidance counselor lady showed up and locked everybody in the vault by completing a circle of mountain ash around them:
Because now she was in league with the Alpha Pack! Except no way buster, I bet she's just being a double agent. Or maybe she and the Alpha pack have teamed up against a common enemy that still hasn't been introduced yet. Who knows!
So then Boyd was tearing Scott UP. Hey related question, are they all still on the lacrosse team. Also, allegedly Boyd had been trapped in this vault for three months, so do you think he smelled kinda bad?
Anyway, at that point Allison came out of her janitor closet and swept away some of the mountain ash and then the evil werewolves ran out into the night.
At first Derek was mad at Allison for loosing those jerks into Beacon Hills, but in my opinion Derek was about to get murderized by his baby sister and I think he knew it also. Anyway, that didn't stop him from once again alluding to the fact that Allison's mom hadn't been super innocent when it came to her final battle with Derek (specifically the fact that Mrs. Argent was in the process of murdering Scott when Derek intervened).
And that's when Allison put Scott on the spot, insisting that he tell her EXACTLY what happened that fateful night. To us it's no big deal because we already knew what happened that night, plus it should probably only take Scott like 25 seconds TOPS to convincingly explain what had happened, but still, this episode REALLY wanted us to have a cliffhanger. Maybe next week we'll get to--
OMG Lydia had a bad dream! THE ULTIMATE CLIFFHANGER.
Haha Teen Wolf you make no sense sometimes. I mean, sure maybe this moment will make sense in hindsight, but just throwing in a screaming Lydia as the final scene and pretending like it's shocking? Don't never, ever change, Teen Wolf. I'm guessing Lydia's going to be getting into more supernatural shenanigans like last season (and it's probably tied into the missing girl) but still. I guess we'll just have to--
Whoa, another bad dream! This one gave me a start, I don't know if my heart can--
OK ENOUGH BYEEE
... Where does Isaac live and do you think everybody should stop torturing him so much?
... Are you bummed about Erica?
... What happened to Stiles' ladyfriend and do you think she's bummed about not jumping on a D?
... Will it make you mad if everybody talks too much trash on Mrs. Argent next week?