Teen Wolf: Paralysis Analysis (PHOTO RECAP)

Teen Wolf S02E04: "Abomination"

Earlier this week while I was searching for the orca that murdered my brother, it occurred to me that we're already A THIRD of the way through Teen Wolf Season 2! I'm telling you, these 12-episode seasons are NO JOKE. The main advantage of short seasons (and why networks should adopt them as standard operating procedure) is they allow writers the luxury of keeping things focused and tight. No useless three-episode arcs involving estranged mother witches or hunks who practice voodoo out of garages. Nope, just the main story, thanks! Teen Wolf spent the first three episodes of the season in a tizzy, setting up new characters, concepts, and relationships. But "Abomination" was all about taking these chess pieces and placing them on the board. (Question: Does talking about chess make me sound smart? Follow-up question: What is chess?) So while it can be argued that not a ton of story development happened this week, we definitely learned a lot more about our villain(s), the various warring factions, and the obvious collision course everyone seems to be on. In other words, like any fourth episode in a 12-episode season, "Abomination" was way more about set-up than pay-off. HOLD UP BRB just got a hot lead on that orca!

Just kidding, I'll get him later. First let's talk about Teen Wolf!

We began where last week left off: Scott in the vet's office just on the verge of learning how his boss factors into this whole thing:

But psych!! The veterinarian dude was not in any mood to divulge much of anything. The best we got was that he admitted to being aware of werewolves and knowledgeable of reptoid abominations and uh-oh go hide while I deal with these hunters.

As the Argents were made aware, this dude was definitely killed by something with sharp claws and a bad attitude. But the most important part was that it used some kind of venom to paralyze the victim before murdering him. What an awful way to die!

Anyway, in case you were wondering, that cold open totally didn't count. Teen Wolf prides itself on its horror-movie cold opens, so this next scene was the official cold open: Stiles getting his car repaired at an eerily underlit auto body shop:

Haha this mechanic! I bet the name tag on his coveralls just said "LOL." I mean come on:

He looked like something out of a 1990s gay porno! Oh, Teen Wolf, never change.

Anyway, after some light-hearted bickering in which the '90s gay porno mechanic revealed he was super smart and that Stiles would probably be paying more for repairs than the Jeep was worth, Stiles accidentally touched some slime on a doorknob and slowly became paralyzed.

Meanwhile, a shadowy lizard creature ALSO paralyzed the '90s gay porno mechanic and forced the hydraulic lift to lower down and crush him!

All Stiles could do was watch from the floor, and suddenly he had a terrifying up-close encounter with this thing:

Yikes! It ended up leaving Stiles alone (as all right-thinking monsters SHOULD), but the '90s gay porno mechanic wasn't so lucky. Oh well, just another murder Stiles had to witness firsthand and then lie about to his father. Total hassle.

Meanwhile Allison tried to sneak out to visit Scott, but got sidetracked by a growly old man in her driveway. In the span of about five seconds, he helpfully informed her that he carried a mysterious leather-bound journal with him at all times, and oh yeah, he takes a million pills a day. Cool, I'd forgotten about that! I'm sure it won't come into play later, so nevermind. Then Grandpa Argent kind of shouted in Allison's face, making her swear that she was trustworthy. Ugh, old people, they are total junkies for medicine and respect from young people.

Meanwhile in Derek's underground lair, Isaac and Erica were doing parkour and Derek was swatting them to the ground while Boyd was just sitting on some stairs probably daydreaming about his Zamboni.

Basically Derek was being a real jerk! He claimed he was just trying to make them better able to protect themselves against the hunters, but still. Maybe intentionally breaking the arm of a kid who was ritualistically abused by his father is not the coolest thing to do? Just wondering. Anyway, the best part was when Derek finished yelling at the kids and then turned around walked into his abandoned subway car. In my opinion, it doesn't matter how serious or powerful your words are, if you end your speech by turning around and walking into an abandoned subway car then people probably won't listen to anything you've just said. Can you imagine if Abraham Lincoln concluded his Gettysburg Address by turning around and walking into an abandoned subway car? Pretty sure there'd be two Americas right now if he'd done that. Just a tip, Derek! Maybe don't turn around and walk into an abandoned subway car until at least bedtime.

Meanwhile Lydia was NOT having a good morning. First she overslept, which as we all know can really ruin a day. But also when her mom Mrs. Lockwood came in to rouse her, she discovered Lydia had BLED all over her expensive designer sheets!

It turned out her knuckles were bleeding real bad. And possibly related—but let's not jump to conclusions here—the bedroom mirror was busted!

Who did itttt??? Anyway, from there Lydia opted to get some help from the guidance counselor but not before exchanging some banter with a new kid:

Who was this guy, and why did the camera keep cutting back to him during Lydia's session with the counselor? Just one more candidate to go on the "Alright, Who's The Dang Reptoid?" list.

Meanwhile Jackson was still investigating himself (don't judge, wouldn't YOU?) and decided to turn over his sleeping footage to noted tech guru Danny for a second opinion. It should go without saying that Danny opted to share his findings with Jackson only minutes before that night's lacrosse game. Clearly the game was a big priority for everyone.

Anyway, lo and behold: The camera had been tampered with! It seemed that someone had looped the footage to SEEM like Jackson had slept through the night but a continuity glitch proved otherwise.

You can't really see the continuity glitch in this still frame, but I figured you'd want to see it anyway. Just trying to be helpful!

P.S. This dude is on the lacrosse team also? But he doesn't play, he just takes pictures? No idea. All I know is he was wearing a team jersey and he had a memory card full of Allison's face. Whatever. Good luck in life, guy.

Meanwhile Stiles and Lydia had a nice moment. She was out sobbing in her car because that's basically the second most important purpose of cars. They're mobile crying zones. Anyway, he made her roll down her window and listen to his heartfelt words of encouragement and flattery. And it seemed to work! She cheered up a bit, but really, what kind of monster wouldn't be cheered up by the presence of Stiles? Anyway, he had to cut it short because he was in the middle of a mission to infiltrate Grandpa Argent's office because haha I forgot he was the school principal now! Anyway, Stiles needed to find that leather bound book because it most likely had some kind of information about the reptilian creature.

Oh, and can we talk about this lacrosse game for a second? Did any of it make any sense at any point? It used to be that lacrosse games on this show seemed like they might be actual athletic events, but now are they just cartoons? So, okay. The other team had a really big player, right? And then suddenly all the Beacon Hills lacrosse players got injured and they ran out of players? So the coach straight-up enlisted audience members to suit up and hit the field? And it just so happened that newborn werewolf Boyd was suddenly a lacrosse fan and decided it was his time to shine? And meanwhile Stiles and the photographer dude were wandering around not playing and Scott seemed to be a lousy player without his werewolf abilities? It was this big huge mess of a sequence, if we're being honest. But whatever, at least it wasn't boring!

Oh, but then the huge dude on the other team broke Scott's leg.

Fortunately Scott healed quickly and stood up and then Grandpa Argent invited him to dinner. Because WHAT? All right, it's pretty clear none of these people like lacrosse anymore. R.I.P. Beacon Hills lacrosse team! You had a good run.

Anyway, inside the high school Erica interrupted Stiles as he was rummaging around the principal's office and she dragged him into the swimming pool area for no reason whatsoever except to place him in close proximity to the swimming pool area. Apparently Derek and Erica had teamed up to uncover the mystery of the reptile monster like a coupla supernatural detectives or whatever. Anyway, again, this conversation didn't make sense because everyone was the on same page yet Derek still had to deflate basketballs in a threatening manner in order for Stiles to discuss the matter? Relax, Derek, you're just ruining school property for no reason now.

But before they knew it, they were interrupted by the reptile creature!

It knocked Erica right on her duff and also stung Derek, rendering him paralyzed from the neck down. Thinking quickly, Stiles led him to the swimming pool and they both jumped in!

It was actually a pretty horrifying sequence because I'm guessing if you are ever being pursued by a reptilian abomination, you probably don't want to have to be treading water with 200-lbs of dead weight by your side. FORTUNATELY they discovered that the creature was NOT a fan of the water.

It wasn't clear if that's because it hates water or maybe it just doesn't like chlorine or maybe it doesn't like bodies of water in which hundreds of students pee on a daily basis? Who even knows. I'm no crypto-zoologist. It seemed cool with the rain a few nights back, though.

Meanwhile at the Argent's house, Grandpa Argent had invited Scott over for dinner because he apparently didn't know that Scott was a werewolf and the whole thing was just a big awkwardfest. A real Fest D'Awkward.

But let's be real, in my opinion this whole scene was just about whatever was going on with Mrs. Argent. I could NOT take my eyes off her! Like, look:

R.I.P. ALL OTHER ACTORS in this scene. Mrs. Argent is the only thing I care about sometimes. What is even going ON with her? It's like, tell me everything, Mrs. Argent. And she does with one single glance. Anyway, the thing about this scene was that it was basically a sequel to the very good Season 1 dinner scene: Scott had been invited over by an unwitting enemy (Aunt Kate/Grandpa Argent), Mr. Argent was really intense, and Scott had to sneak into somebody's bedroom in order to retrieve whatever the F.

I LOVED this kitchen confrontation between Mr. Argent and Scott where they argued about who had more to lose should Scott's werewolfism be discovered. (Hint: Scott does.) But after that stand-off, they both grabbed plates of dessert in the most intense possible way and then brought them back to the table.

So good! Speaking of good, I bet you didn't know that werewolves were ace safe crackers!

After all this, Allison and Scott realized that the leather journal they'd been looking for was actually just some dumb recipe book (um, it's called THE INTERNET, grandpa). It was a classic MacGuffin Red Herring!

Meanwhile at the swimming pool Stiles had this dumb idea that he needed to reach his cell phone on the side of the pool in order to call Scott, but to do so he had to sort of drown Derek. Fortunately werewolves can't drown. Unfortunately Scott hung up on Stiles. Fortunately Scott realized that Grandpa Argent's "bestiary" journal was actually a PDF in a thumb drive currently hanging from the key ring in the principal's office. Unfortunately Stiles was really running out of go-go juice, treading water with an Alpha werewolf while a lizard creature hissed at them. Fortunately just as they were about to go under, Scott WHIPPED them right out of the pool and bared his fangs at the creature!

Whew! That was close. But the reptile creature was NOT happy and started throwing Scott all over the place.

Using some quick thinking, Scott realized that the creature couldn't bear to look at its own reflection!

Honestly, who among us couldn't relate to the creature in that very moment?

At this point Derek busted out tons of knowledge about the creature. Its proper classification is "Kenema" and it's a shape-shifter that's similar to werewolves but not as hunky. Scott reasonably suggested that everybody team up (including bringing the Argents in on it) in order to bring the sucker down, but Derek wasn't having it.

Meanwhile Scott went to go pick up his mom and suddenly found himself with a stomach full of steel! Old Grandpa Argent knew he was a werewolf after all! And as if to remind us that he's a total 100% villain, he literally twisted the knife and threatened harm upon Scott's mom. Plus all that growling, that was definitely villain behavior.

Poor Scott! Nobody said your hero's journey would be easy!

Good times. I'm glad everyone's basically on the same page now with regard to the Kenema (do I really have to call it that now?) so that the season can now progress toward its likely climax while freaking us out with twists along the way. As for WHO that thing is, this episode ruled out the (admittedly far-fetched) possibility that it's Grandpa Argent, but we did learn that both Lydia and Jackson were back to being likely candidates. Which in my opinion means that neither of them could possibly be the Kenema, so we're looking at either the photographer kid or one of the teachers or maybe the new kid that got all those close-ups earlier in this episode. I don't know, I'm not a psychic. (Anymore. Long story. Okay short story, a genie screwed me over.)



... What was the best Stiles scene?

... Do you wish Mrs. Argent was your mom? Be honest.

... Updated guess re: the Kenema's identity?

... IS Jackson "everybody's type"?