Everyone hates commercials, so advertisers must consistently find new ways to get us to watch their consumerist propaganda. Beer pitches attempt to be funny. Long-distance phone call spots try to touch our hearts. Other ads just scream in our faces. But I've always been fond of what I consider the most effective type of advertising: the unapologetically cornball.
And so I've assembled some of the corniest commercials on the air right now (or at least ones that have recently aired). The only criteria were that they had to be national spots, broadcast sometime in recent memory, and make us all wince, for better or for worse.
10. Will You Marry Me, Cat?
Product: Fancy Feast cat supplement and mouse parts
Why this ad made the list: This commercial breaks the #1 rule of advertising: Make sure the consumer immediately knows what the ad is for. Only after we see some shlump meet some lady's super-rich parents, laboriously redesign a room is his house, and cheesily propose to his Chinese take-out eating gal with a cat collar do we realize this is an ad... for cat food. And what kind of message is this sending? That you can just replace one cat with another? Because you can't! Nothing will ever replace Muffy, NOTHING!
9. Michael Jordan Has a Hitler 'Stache
Product: Hanes strangulation T-shirts
Why this ad made the list: Underwear companies should not try to add new lexicon to society. If you ever hear anyone say, "Look at that dude's bacon neck," you have my permission to roundhouse-kick that person in the face. Michael Jordan hasn't been this pestered by a whiter guy since he knocked in that jumper over Craig Ehlo. But this ad's biggest kernel of corn has to be that thing on MJ's face. I can't imagine what he was thinking—unless he was thinking, "I'd love to invade Poland right about now."
8. This Vibrator Will Mess Up Your Hair
Product: Trojan's man-replacement kit
What this ad made the list: This is practically masturbation material for teenagers. But honestly, ladies, you just spent all morning doing your hair. Is it really worth it?
7. Coffee is SO HARD to Make
Product: 5-Hour Energy's legalized crank
Why this ad made the list: It's true, it really is hard to find a Starbucks these days. This commericial's coffee-making-disaster montage is great (easy on the sugar, lady), but what really makes it cornerrific is the last guy who downs a 5-Hour Energy and uses the time he saved by not making coffee to settle in and read The Family Circus. In reality, he'd crash through the wall Kool-Aid man style and chew on his bannisters.
6. MORE TIES!
Product: Just For Men's elixir of denial
Why this ad made the list: The British-accent dub over the original American version makes this spot fantastic. The idea that you can't get a job with gray hair is dynamite. But the line "More ties!" is one of the most quotable commercial lines in recent memory. If you are my friend, the next time something good happens to you, you will scream out, "Darling, I think I'm gonna need... MORE TIES!" Seriously, do it. (Typing it in the comments will suffice.)
5. Just for Men Keeps Her Waiting at the Door
(Extended cut, with bloopers!)
Product: Just For Men's magical "Get Laid!" hair tonic
Why this ad made the list: What, you thought you'd only find one Just For Men ad in here? Nothing gets an older woman hot like waiting for hours outside a man's door just so she can have some milk (as in actual milk, the dairy product). We're shocked he didn't open the door to find a skeleton covered in cobwebs after being gone so long. And how about the contents of that stereotypical man fridge?
4. BBQ Ravemasters
Product: Either Weber BBQ grills or pure MDMA
Why this ad made the list: What is this? I don't even—no one is even grilling!!!!!
3. Napa Auto Parts RAWKS OUT
Product: Napa Auto Parts' extremely friendly customer service
Why this ad made the list: I'm not going to lie to you. I know all the words to this commercial's song because I f**king love this commercial so much and because I saw it 20 times a day during March Madness. But I still have one question: Why isn't the Napa Man a star yet?
2. The Kay Jewelers Murder Cabin
Product: An around-the-neck distraction that will allow you to prepare the chloroform handkerchief
Why this ad made the list: A creepy guy promises a scared woman, "I'm right here... and I always will be." Could he have said that in a more stalker-y fashion? No, he couldn't have. Run woman, RUN! Sadly our warnings came too late. Her remains were later found in a jewelry box.
1. Being a Doctor is Cool
Product: Certain-Dri's bimbo-baiting underarm stench-squasher
Why this ad made the list: It's every woman's dream to talk about sweating with a doctor, who, once he takes off his glasses, becomes instantly bone-able. That's very cool. I'm still trying to figure out which of these two actors I love more.
What current corny commercials are on YOUR list?