The 10 Corniest Commercials on TV Right Now

Everyone hates commercials, so advertisers must consistently find new ways to get us to watch their consumerist propaganda. Beer pitches attempt to be funny. Long-distance phone call spots try to touch our hearts. Other ads just scream in our faces. But I've always been fond of what I consider the most effective type of advertising: the unapologetically cornball.

And so I've assembled some of the corniest commercials on the air right now (or at least ones that have recently aired). The only criteria were that they had to be national spots, broadcast sometime in recent memory, and make us all wince, for better or for worse.

10. Will You Marry Me, Cat?

Product: Fancy Feast cat supplement and mouse parts
Why this ad made the list: This commercial breaks the #1 rule of advertising: Make sure the consumer immediately knows what the ad is for. Only after we see some shlump meet some lady's super-rich parents, laboriously redesign a room is his house, and cheesily propose to his Chinese take-out eating gal with a cat collar do we realize this is an ad... for cat food. And what kind of message is this sending? That you can just replace one cat with another? Because you can't! Nothing will ever replace Muffy, NOTHING!

9. Michael Jordan Has a Hitler 'Stache

Product: Hanes strangulation T-shirts
Why this ad made the list: Underwear companies should not try to add new lexicon to society. If you ever hear anyone say, "Look at that dude's bacon neck," you have my permission to roundhouse-kick that person in the face. Michael Jordan hasn't been this pestered by a whiter guy since he knocked in that jumper over Craig Ehlo. But this ad's biggest kernel of corn has to be that thing on MJ's face. I can't imagine what he was thinking—unless he was thinking, "I'd love to invade Poland right about now."

8. This Vibrator Will Mess Up Your Hair

Product: Trojan's man-replacement kit
What this ad made the list: This is practically masturbation material for teenagers. But honestly, ladies, you just spent all morning doing your hair. Is it really worth it?

7. Coffee is SO HARD to Make

Product: 5-Hour Energy's legalized crank
Why this ad made the list: It's true, it really is hard to find a Starbucks these days. This commericial's coffee-making-disaster montage is great (easy on the sugar, lady), but what really makes it cornerrific is the last guy who downs a 5-Hour Energy and uses the time he saved by not making coffee to settle in and read The Family Circus. In reality, he'd crash through the wall Kool-Aid man style and chew on his bannisters.

6. MORE TIES!

Product: Just For Men's elixir of denial
Why this ad made the list: The British-accent dub over the original American version makes this spot fantastic. The idea that you can't get a job with gray hair is dynamite. But the line "More ties!" is one of the most quotable commercial lines in recent memory. If you are my friend, the next time something good happens to you, you will scream out, "Darling, I think I'm gonna need... MORE TIES!" Seriously, do it. (Typing it in the comments will suffice.)

NEXT: The 5 corniest commercials on TV right now!

PAGE TWO

5. Just for Men Keeps Her Waiting at the Door

(Extended cut, with bloopers!)

Product: Just For Men's magical "Get Laid!" hair tonic
Why this ad made the list: What, you thought you'd only find one Just For Men ad in here? Nothing gets an older woman hot like waiting for hours outside a man's door just so she can have some milk (as in actual milk, the dairy product). We're shocked he didn't open the door to find a skeleton covered in cobwebs after being gone so long. And how about the contents of that stereotypical man fridge?

4. BBQ Ravemasters

Product: Either Weber BBQ grills or pure MDMA
Why this ad made the list: What is this? I don't even—no one is even grilling!!!!!

3. Napa Auto Parts RAWKS OUT

Product: Napa Auto Parts' extremely friendly customer service
Why this ad made the list: I'm not going to lie to you. I know all the words to this commercial's song because I f**king love this commercial so much and because I saw it 20 times a day during March Madness. But I still have one question: Why isn't the Napa Man a star yet?

2. The Kay Jewelers Murder Cabin

Product: An around-the-neck distraction that will allow you to prepare the chloroform handkerchief
Why this ad made the list: A creepy guy promises a scared woman, "I'm right here... and I always will be." Could he have said that in a more stalker-y fashion? No, he couldn't have. Run woman, RUN! Sadly our warnings came too late. Her remains were later found in a jewelry box.

1. Being a Doctor is Cool

Product: Certain-Dri's bimbo-baiting underarm stench-squasher
Why this ad made the list: It's every woman's dream to talk about sweating with a doctor, who, once he takes off his glasses, becomes instantly bone-able. That's very cool. I'm still trying to figure out which of these two actors I love more.


What current corny commercials are on YOUR list?

Comments (20)
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Wow. Except for the Napa Know How, and the Just for Men milk one, I've seen all of these. They're a lot worse when they're not squished between other stupid commericials.
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My diaper is full, full of chic, when it's #2, i look like #1, I poo IN BLUE!!! LOL
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I don't care what anyone else says... those "Geico" comercials are very funny. What makes them that way is how serious the man asks that "Would Geico make good insurance" questions. Makes me think of some......:-)
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That Napa ad was hilariously disturbing. It could've used... MORE TIES!
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i apologize, its actually SWEET! why would he be excited about that? that shows he cant satisfy her. funny article, thanks Tim
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hysterical with the guy in the vibrator commercial: YES!
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The first time I saw the Kay Jeweler one, I thought it was going to be for a home security alarm. Also, that Digorno ones with the 30 year olds talking like they just got internet privileges is pretty annoying
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How about the Butterfinger commercial with the Southern Belles? It's unbearable.
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I love cats, so the Fancy Feast commercial was more cute than corny, to me. I'm really getting tired of Dairy Queen's "Ri-DQ-ulous" ads and Hillshire Farms' "Go meat!" ads.
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I hate the miller lite commercials more. Stupid commercials trying to appeal "manly" men, while really just looking like tools. These suck too though.
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These commercials deserve.....MORE TIES!!!!
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We need more COWBELLS! And TIES! :D
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I just kneq Napa Know How would be on here.
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Staff
MORE TIES!
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I think it was an error! This is : The 10 Most Stupidest Commercials on TV Right Now
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Staff
2 People, 3 Vibrators... sounds like there's room for at least 3 more vibrators if you ask me.
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That guy sure finds 3 vibrators in a 2 person household exciting.
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yeah all pretty bad, what i always find weird is that on the trojan commercials, the guy is always more excited than the woman.. i'm like "whoa.. what's going on in their household?"
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Ha those are pretty bad.
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And I thought Dutch commercials were bad... But the Napa man did make me laugh, really, I liked that one! And just for you: "Darling, I think I'm gonna need... MORE TIES!!'
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