The 2012 Fall TV Schedule: Your Everything Guide

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The new fall TV season can be a dark, scary, lonely place. What's The New Normal? 666 Park Avenue doesn't show up on Google Maps! Is there anything on besides The Voice? Fear not, brave adventurer! We're here to help walk you through the obstacle course known as the 2012 Fall TV Schedule with this guide that lays out the who, what, when, where, why, and how many monkeys dressed and doctors for all the shows worth watching.

(Note: This should be used as a general guide. Schedules are subject to change, and they probably will.)


SUN MON TUES WED THUR FRI SAT



SUNDAY

Sorry, other days, but everyone knows that Sundays are the best days for television. It is known! First there's a million hours of football to start the day off; then, depending on your tastes, there's adult cartoons, fairy tales, revenge in the Hamptons, Prohibition-era gangsters, reality racing, serial killers, zombies, and people talking about zombies. If you can't find anything to watch on Sundays, you're doing something wrong.


Fox's The Cleveland Show.

7PM - 8PM

NBC
Football Night in America
The fun began 9/9 at 7pm
Guys talking about football before other guys start playing football.


CBS
60 Minutes
Season 45 premieres 9/30 at 7pm
Tick tick tick tick tick...


ABC
America's Funniest Home Videos
Season 23 premieres 10/7 at 7pm
Cats knocking over babies, people falling into cakes at kids' birthday parties, fat guys taking soccer balls to the nuts, etc. Family-friendly fun!


FOX
The Cleveland Show
Season 4 premieres 10/7 at 7:30pm
Seth MacFarlane needs a new super-sized wallet to hold his other 14 wallets, so please watch this show and buy all the DVDs, because Super Wallets ain't cheap!




ABC's Once Upon a Time will introduce the character of Mulan this season.

8PM - 9PM

ABC
Once Upon a Time
Season 2 premieres 9/30 at 8pm
One of two breakout hits for ABC returns for more live-action Disney drama, with Mulan, Princess Aurora, Sir Lancelot, and Captain Hook all joining the series' fairy-tale world. We're still waiting on Nemo the fish to book a gig.


CBS
The Amazing Race
Season 21 premieres 9/30 at 8pm
Possibly not quite as amazing as it used to be, but this season's cast includes Chippendales, goat farmers, and a lumberjack, so at least there's that.


NBC
Sunday Night Football
After a special season opener on 9/5, action began in earnest on 9/9 at 8:15pm
NBC Sunday nights are devoted to football, football, football straight on through the end of the year.


FOX
The Simpsons
Season 25 premieres 9/30 at 8pm
Yes, it's still on.


FOX
Bob's Burgers
**EDITORS' PICK!** Season 3 premieres 9/30 at 8:30pm
Quietly, this show about Bob and (his family and) his burgers has become the best show on Fox's Animation Domination block.


VH1
Rehab with Dr. Drew
Season 5 premieres 9/16 at 8pm
We doubt you'll have any TV time left on Sundays for garbage shows like this one, but in the event that you do, it'll be here.




CBS's The Good Wife.

9PM - 10PM

ABC
Revenge
**EDITORS' PICK!** Season 2 premieres 9/30 at 9pm
Emily/Amanda might want to rethink the whole revenge thing if she couldn't even get it done in one long season! But seriously folks, we're super-stoked for more of primetime's most devious soap.


CBS
The Good Wife
Season 4 premieres 9/30 at 9pm
Come for one of the best ensemble casts on network television, stay for the smart and classy legal fashion!


FOX
Family Guy
Season 7 premieres 9/30 at 9pm
Please watch it. Seth MacFarlane needs to put food on the table, and he has a condition that only allows him to eat uncut diamonds.


FOX
American Dad
Season 7 premieres 9/25 at 9:30pm
Seth MacFarlane: Keeping Korean animators employed for seven straight years.


HBO
Boardwalk Empire
Season 3 premieres 9/16 at 9pm
Season 2 ended with a shocker when [spoiler] [spoilered], and [spoiler] is sure to have repercussions and lead to even more [spoiler]! [Spoiler]!



Showtime's Dexter.


Showtime
Dexter
Season 7 premieres 9/30 at 9pm
Imagine your sister walking in on you masturbating, multiply that by 100, and that's pretty much what this season of Dexter will be like.


AMC
The Walking Dead
**EDITORS' PICK!** Season 3 premieres 10/14 at 9pm
Lori better be eaten by either a zombie or Daryl this season. But even if that doesn't happen, the chatty survivors will go to prison, meet a Governor they never voted for, and learn that zombies also make good pets.


VH1
Behind the Music
New episodes premiere 9/16 at 9pm
This eight-episode 15th anniversary season will feature Train, Ne-Yo, Carrie Underwood, Nicole Scherzinger, Gym Class Heroes, Toni Braxton, T.I., and Pink.



Terry O'Quinn stars in new ABC drama 666 Park Avenue.

10PM - 11PM

ABC
666 Park Avenue
**EDITORS' PICK!** NEW! Series premiere airs 9/30 at 10pm
Hint: If you're offered a job as the manager of a luxury apartment building in New York City, and the job comes with free, kickass apartment, but you have zero qualifications, it might be too good to be true. Terry O'Quinn (Lost) stars in this supernatural soap from ABC.


CBS
The Mentalist
Season 5 premieres 9/30 at 10pm
Still Mentalising after all these years! Patrick Jane will come oh-so close to catching Red John AGAIN so DVD sales can continue for four more seasons.


HBO
Treme
Season 3 premieres 9/23 at 10pm
This David Simon drama features better music than The Wire, but that's about it. (#unfaircomparisonstothewire)


Showtime
Homeland
**EDITORS' PICK!** NEW! Season 2 premieres 9/30 at 10pm
Will they or won't they? Is she crazy or isn't she? Will he blow up the United States with a weapon of mass destruction, killing us all in a fiery explosion that evaporates skin from bone or won't he? All very important questions we hope to see answered in Homeland's second season.


TLC
Breaking Amish
Series premiere airs 9/9 at 10pm
Two guys and three gals from Amish/Mennonite communities leave home for New York City, a journey that TLC promises will involve all sorts of firsts, from using a cell phone to—according to the first few minutes of Episode 1—posing for bathing suit photos. But when do they start cooking crystal meth?




Chris Hardwick hosts AMC's Talking Dead.

11PM - 12AM

AMC
Talking Dead
Season 2 premieres 10/14 at 11pm
Wait, isn't Talking Dead the name of the first half of The Walking Dead's second season? Haha, JK. Chris Hardwick hosts this live Walking Dead after-show.


AMC
Comic Book Men
Season 2 premieres 10/14 at 11:30pm
Tim got a lot of Twitter hatemail for calling this show boring, so he's changed his mind and wants everyone to know the show is amazing if it will keep the bags of flaming dog poop off his doorstep.



SUN MON TUES WED THUR FRI SAT



What will YOU be watching this fall? Share your personal viewing schedule in the comments!





The new fall TV season can be a dark, scary, lonely place. What's The New Normal? 666 Park Avenue doesn't show up on Google Maps! Is there anything on besides The Voice? Fear not, brave adventurer! We're here to help walk you through the obstacle course known as the 2012 Fall TV Schedule with this guide that lays out the who, what, when, where, why, and how many monkeys dressed and doctors for all the shows worth watching.

(Note: This should be used as a general guide. Schedules are subject to change, and they probably will.)


SUN MON TUES WED THUR FRI SAT



MONDAY

TV has a case of the Mondays when it comes to the start of the work week. There's plenty of reality singing and dancing, a few comforting CBS comedies, several aging stalwarts—basically anything people might need to ease into their couches. So leave your brain in the office and pick it up on Tuesday.


New CBS comedy Partners.

8PM - 9PM

ABC
Dancing with the Stars
Season 15 premieres 9/24 at 8pm
This year features returning contestants and is being referred to as an "all-star edition," meaning this show still doesn't know the definition of "star." Monday episodes run for two hours, from 8pm to 10pm.


CBS
How I Met Your Mother
Season 8 premieres 9/24 at 8pm
Okay, Bob Saget. It's been seven seasons. Would you please get around to telling us HOW YOU MET OUR DAMN MOTHER!?!?


CBS
Partners
NEW! Series premiere airs 9/24 at 8:30pm
Normally conservative CBS tackles the gay thing and the architect thing with this new comedy about two friends and coworkers—one straight and one gay—who have their friendship tested when the straight one gets engaged.


NBC
The Voice
Season 3 premieres 9/10 at 8pm
NBC will be showing The Voice so much it'll be like someone is constantly screaming in your face. Monday episodes run for two hours, from 8pm to 10pm.


FOX
Bones
Season 8 premieres 9/17 at 8pm
After the sexcapades and baby-having of last season, this lighthearted procedural's title takes on a completely new meaning.


The CW
90210
Season 5 premieres 10/8 at 8pm
How is this show still on the air? It's like the new One Tree Hill but without all of that show's incredible cinematic experience. So I guess it's just like One Tree Hill.




New Fox drama The Mob Doctor.

9PM - 10PM

CBS
2 Broke Girls
Season 2 premieres 9/24 at 9pm
They're still broke, and they're still girls. At least we think they are. Prove it, Kat Dennings!


CBS
Mike & Molly
Season 3 premieres 9/24 at 9:30pm
In the Season 2 finale, Mike and Molly got married. Yes, they each had their own cake, duh.


FOX
The Mob Doctor
NEW! Series premiere airs 9/17 at 9pm
Jordana Spiro plays a doctor, but you'll never guess who she works for! Unless you read the title of the show. Zach Gilford and Zjelko Ivanek also star in this drama about a woman who leads two lives.


The CW
Gossip Girl
Season 6 premieres 10/8 at 9pm
This sixth and final round of the show that made high-school threesomes cool will be shortened to half a season.


A & E
Hoarders
Season 6 premieres 9/10 at 9pm
Feel bad about yourself for finding entertainment value in people who need mental help, or feel better about your messy kitchen... your call!




ABC's Castle.

10PM - 11PM

ABC
Castle
Season 5 premieres 9/24 at 10pm
Beckett and Castle still haven't come up for air from their big Season 4 finale kiss, so with that particular "will they or won't they" question out of the way, Season 5 will be the season we all ask, "Will he or won't he put his hand on her boob?"


CBS
Hawaii Five-0
Season 3 premieres 9/24 at 10pm
The remake is back to crack wise, explode things, and sell you Subway sandwiches!



New NBC drama Revolution.


NBC
Revolution
**EDITORS' PICK!** NEW! Series premiere airs 9/17 at 10pm
This new sci-fi drama from Supernatural creator Eric Kripke and J.J. Abrams explores what happens to society when the power goes out and technology is blasted back to the Stone Age. Answer: Facebook stalkers have to resort to becoming old-fashioned Peeping Toms. The horror!


MTV
Catfish: The TV Show
NEW! Series premiere airs 11/12 at 10pm
Based on the documentary of the same name, this new reality docu-series will follow people who have started a relationship online and wish to meet in person... at which point they'll discover they've been IMing with a 60-year-old fat man the whole time.


A & E
Intervention
Returns with new episodes 9/10 at 10pm
We're starting to think A & E needs an intervention to keep it from making more episodes of this show.



SUN MON TUES WED THUR FRI SAT



What will YOU be watching this fall? Share your personal viewing schedule in the comments!





The new fall TV season can be a dark, scary, lonely place. What's The New Normal? 666 Park Avenue doesn't show up on Google Maps! Is there anything on besides The Voice? Fear not, brave adventurer! We're here to help walk you through the obstacle course known as the 2012 Fall TV Schedule with this guide that lays out the who, what, when, where, why, and how many monkeys dressed and doctors for all the shows worth watching.

(Note: This should be used as a general guide. Schedules are subject to change, and they probably will.)


SUN MON TUES WED THUR FRI SAT



TUESDAY

If you like laughing, make sure you aren't drinking milk on Tuesdays. The 9pm timeslot may be the most hilarious bloodbath of the week, with ABC, NBC, and Fox all going head-to-head with single-camera comedies at the same time! But things get serious at 10pm with bikers, mobsters, and Braverman family problems. Start of the night with laughs, finish it off with a little violence.


CBS's NCIS.

8PM - 9PM

ABC
Dancing with the Stars Results Show
Tuesday episodes begin 9/25 at 8pm
You don't spend all day making a pie and then not eat a slice when it's done, right? WATCH THE RESULTS, THEN!


CBS
NCIS
Season 10 premieres 9/25 at 8pm
Amerrrrrrrica! America 'merica 'merica! Aaaaaaaaaaa... MERICA!


NBC
The Voice Results Show
Tuesday episodes begin 9/11 at 8pm
Did you not get enough singing on during Monday's two-hour show? THEN HERE'S MORE! (And in Week 1 they continue on Wednesday, too!)


FOX
Raising Hope
Season 3 premieres 10/2 at 8pm
Season 3? Shouldn't this kid Hope have a job by now? This show is Fox's The Middle. Okay, it's better than The Middle but it's still just a placeholder until the network finds something better for its comedy block.


FOX
Ben and Kate
NEW! Series premiere airs 9/25 at 8:30pm
Fox has high hopes for this perfectly satisfactory but unspectacular comedy about a brother (Ben) and a sister (not Ben) who reunite and help raise Not Ben's young daughter. Ben's a drifting dreamer, Not Ben is a responsible single mom working as a waitress! Together, they're a sitcom formula.


The CW
Hart of Dixie
Season 2 premieres 10/2 at 8pm
Rachel Bilson continues to pose as a competent doctor living and working in the South. How many innocent patients must be butchered before Zoe Hart is stopped!?!?




New NBC comedy Go On.

9PM - 10PM

ABC
Happy Endings
**EDITORS' PICK!** Season 3 premieres October 23 at 9pm
You'll probably tune into the more popular New Girl, which airs at the same time, but you'll actually be getting 67-percent fewer new girls than you'd have if you watched Happy Endings instead. And you thought you'd never use math after the second grade! For real though, watch this Friends-y, Chicago-set comedy, it's great.


ABC
Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23
**EDITORS' PICK!** Season 2 premieres October 23 at 9:30pm
Whatever, I'll trust anyone who looks like Krysten Ritter. This sitcom may not be the most consistent, but when it's on IT IS ON. Season 2 promises many more actors playing ridiculous versions of themselves, including Malcolm in the Middle's Frankie Muniz, Saved By the Bell's Mark-Paul Gosselaar, and Dawson's Creek's Busy Phillips.


CBS
NCIS: Los Angeles
Season 4 premieres 9/25 at 9pm
Better known as NCIS: LL Cool J.


NBC
Go On
**EDITORS' PICK!** NEW! This series "sneak-previewed" during the Olympics and the pilot is available online; it'll settle into its regular time period with an all-new episode on 9/11 at 9pm
This new comedy stars Matthew Perry as a mouthy sports-talk radio guy whose wife just died, so he's forced to go to therapy. And the laughs just keep on coming from there! (Seriously, it's pretty good but get ready to laugh and cry at the same time.) But how will this fare going up against Happy Endings AND New Girl?


NBC
The New Normal
**EDITORS' PICK!** NEW! This series has already "sneak-previewed" and its pilot is available online; it settles into its regular time period with an all-new episode on 9/11 at 9:30pm
Apparently the "new normal" is Ryan Murphy being all preachy! Haha, just kidding, he's always been preachy. But seriously folks, this comedy about a gay couple, their surrogate baby oven, and the new family they form has a chance to be touching and groundbreaking.


FOX
New Girl
**EDITORS' PICK!** Season 2 premieres 9/25 at 9pm
Zooey Deschanel will destroy Happy Endings and Go On! Rawwwwrrrrr! Smash! Crush! Out-perform in the all-important 18-49 demographic! Adorkabilicide!



New Fox comedy The Mindy Project.


FOX
The Mindy Project
**EDITORS' PICK!** NEW! Series premiere airs 9/25 at 9:30pm
If you like Zooey, but wish she were twenty shades of melanin darker and also a vagina doctor, then you'll love this new sitcom starring Mindy Kaling of The Office. Mindy plays Mindy, a overly romanticized OB/GYN who's obsessed with rom-coms and finding the right man. There's just one problem: She's a total nutjob.


The CW
Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog
**EDITORS' PICK!** SPECIAL EVENT! Airs 10/9 at 9pm
If you haven't yet seen this one-of-a-kind production, produced during the writers' strike from a few years back, tune in!


The CW
Emily Owens, M.D.
NEW! Series premiere airs 10/16 at 9pm
Meryl Streep's daughter plays a first-year doctor looking to start life over after years of being on the bottom rung of the school social ladder. But she quickly finds out that the high-school dynamic is alive and well at her new hospital. Except instead of being stuffed into lockers, she'll be stuffed into morgue drawers with corpses.


SyFy
Total Blackout
Season 2 premieres 11/13 at 9pm
Have you seen this game show? Contestants have to identify mystery objects using their senses in pitch black conditions. Butts will be sniffed!




New CBS drama Vegas.

10PM - 11PM

ABC
Private Practice
Season 6 premieres 9/25 at 10pm
Big changes are coming in Season 6 of this Grey's Anatomy spin-off. Tim Daly's Pete Wilder is out, the season will (probably) be only 13 episodes long, and Kate Walsh won't return for a Season 7. In other words, this is probably the final go-round for the series.


CBS
Vegas
NEW! Series premiere airs 9/25 at 10pm
Did you know sweet, fun Las Vegas has a criminal element? Before there was Gil Grissom, real-life Sheriff Ralph Lamb gave crooks headaches in the 1960s. Vegas pits Lamb (played by Dennis Quaid) against the new influx of mobsters (led by Michael Chiklis in his return to TV) looking to take advantage of the money and cheap shrimp cocktails.


NBC
Parenthood
Season 4 premieres 9/11 at 10pm This series from Jason Katims (Friday Night Lights) got a late reprieve from cancellation last season, but that doesn't mean it's not one of the better family dramas network television these days. Can you think of a better way to spend Tuesday night with your family than sitting around together wishing you were part of a TV family instead?



FX's Sons of Anarchy.


FX
Sons of Anarchy
**EDITORS' PICK!** Season 5 premieres 9/11 at 10pm
How does FX's toughest series follow-up a 99.9-percent amazing season? By adding Jimmy Smits and Harold Perrineau Jr.! And Ashley Tisdale. Jax is president now, and Clay is still hanging around. Will this be the season someone finally molds Clay into a bodybag?


Comedy Central
Tosh.0
Season 5 premieres 9/25 at 10pm
Broken bones, exploding zits, and vomit. If you watch a whole season, you get a credit at your local medical school.


Comedy Central
Brickleberry
NEW! Series premiere airs 9/25 at 10:30pm
Daniel Tosh produces and lends his voice to this cartoon, which features an adorable talking bear! And rape jokes, interspecies sex, and racism.


MTV
Underemployed
NEW! Series premiere airs 10/16 at 10pm
MTV reaches out to a new generation in this comedy, which explores the post-college lifestyles of five friends in Chicago as they discover that life after school isn't as glamorous as they thought. So they fill their days with hanging out with friends in awesome lofts while having sex with attractive people. Let's hope these young'uns find the strength to persevere.


Syfy
Hot Set
NEW! Series premiere airs 9/18 at 10pm From the producers of SyFy's excellent special-effects-makeup reality competition Face Off, this series pits Hollywood production designers against one another weekly challenges to create original sci-fi, fantasy, and horror movie sets.



SUN MON TUES WED THUR FRI SAT



What will YOU be watching this fall? Share your personal viewing schedule in the comments!





The new fall TV season can be a dark, scary, lonely place. What's The New Normal? 666 Park Avenue doesn't show up on Google Maps! Is there anything on besides The Voice? Fear not, brave adventurer! We're here to help walk you through the obstacle course known as the 2012 Fall TV Schedule with this guide that lays out the who, what, when, where, why, and how many monkeys dressed and doctors for all the shows worth watching.

(Note: This should be used as a general guide. Schedules are subject to change, and they probably will.)


SUN MON TUES WED THUR FRI SAT



WEDNESDAY

Variety makes everything better. Sometimes you're in the mood for a British guy handing out putdowns to aspiring entertainers, sometimes you're in the mood for ripped dudes fighting demons and bad guys, and sometimes you're in the mood for listening to a busty Latina woman scream "Jaaaaaaaaaaay!" until your ears bleed. And of course you're ALWAYS in the mood for guys in latex gimp suits (nuns in mental institutions, or whatever else American Horror Story has in store for us this year). In other words, Wednesdays are awesome.


New ABC alien comedy The Neighbors.

8PM - 9PM

ABC
The Middle
Season 4 premieres 9/26 at 8pm
ABC's warm-up comic for its strong Wednesday comedy block returns for Season 4.


ABC
The Neighbors
NEW! Series premiere airs 9/26 at 8:30pm
When a New Jersey family moves into an idyllic gated community that's actually full of aliens disguised as humans, the aliens are all like, "Ugh, people from Jersey are disgusting."


CBS
Survivor: Philippines
Season 25 premieres 9/19 at 8pm
The long-running reality show features real celebrities this year, including former ballplayer and possible racist Jeff Kent and the heavy girl from The Facts of Life. The rest of the contestants better hope there isn't an immunity challenge that requires turning double plays or eating pies!


NBC
Animal Practice
NEW! This series premiered during the Olympics and the pilot is available online; it settles into its permanent time slot with a new episode on 9/26 at 8pm
This show about a cantankerous vet (Justin Kirk) has taken a lot of flack for featuring a monkey in a doctor's coat that rides around on a remote-controlled ambulance. But think about the first show that might come to mind if YOU could create one. It'd probably feature a monkey in a doctor's coat that rides around on a remote-controlled ambulance, wouldn't it? Anyway, this one's a wait-and-see.


NBC
Guys with Kids
NEW! Series premiere airs 9/26 at 8:30pm
This multi-camera comedy is about guys being guys, except they have kids. If Tim had to pick one show this season that might make him commit suicide if he were forced to watch it, it'd be this one.


FOX
The X Factor
Season 2 premieres 9/12 at 8pm
Simon Cowell took American audiences by light sprinkle when he imported his hugely successful talent show to the U.S., so the whole ship was madeover for Season 2. Among the changes are the addition of Britney Spears and Demi Lovato as judges, and the subtractions of all those British people Americans had never heard of.



The CW's latest superhero drama, Arrow.


The CW
Arrow
NEW! Series premiere airs 10/10 at 8pm
Steven Amell stars in this origin story of The Green Arrow, the DC Comics superhero who regular people will know as that guy who stood behind Superman, was once in the same room as Wonder Woman, and has texted with Batman. But whatever, it's The CW so he gets his own show.




CBS's Criminal Minds.

9PM - 10PM

ABC
Modern Family
Season 4 premieres 9/26 at 9pm
We asked Twitter to write this one, and @corybarker replied with: "Clowns, foreign people talk funny, mustaches, Shrill Julie Bowen, Emmys." Perfect!


ABC
Suburgatory
**EDITORS' PICK!** Season 2 premieres 10/17 at 9:30pm
The surprise comedy of 2011-2012 gets a well-deserved promotion to 9:30pm (post-Modern Family) after a strong first season. On tap for Season 2: Some long-awaited George and Dallas romance, and Tessa's mom!


CBS
Criminal Minds
Season 8 premieres 9/26 at 9pm
Only the bad guys with the most sick and twisted minds get hunted down by the BAU, so you'd better think of something more creative than simply carving your initials into someone's chest if you want the honor of being cuffed by David Rossi. This season, Jeanne Tripplehorn is in as a new agent, but Paget Brewster is out.


NBC
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Season 14 premieres 9/26 at 9pm
The last surviving Law & Order program should be looking over its shoulder all season long, because a serial killer has been murdering L&O;s for some time now.


The CW
Supernatural
**EDITORS' PICK!** Season 8 premieres 10/3 at 9pm
How high will the sexual tension be this year? New showrunner Jeremy Carver will use flashbacks to tell us what happened in the year that Sam and Dean were separated after the finale of Season 7. (Hint: It involves lots of crying.) But what happened to ghost Bobby!?


Syfy
Ghost Hunters
Season 8 premiered 9/5 at 9pm
So... still haven't caught any ghosts yet?


PBS
NOVA
Season 40 premieres 10/10 at 9pm
With NOVA, all you need ahead of time are episode titles, basically. Here's this fall's lineup: "Secrets of the Viking Super Sword," "Forensics on Trial," "Iceman Murder Mystery," "Ghosts of Machu Picchu," "Mystery of Easter Island," "Ultimate Mars Challenge," "Ancient Computer," "Secrets of Stonehenge," "Riddles of the Sphinx," and "Building the Great Cathedrals." Yeah science!




New ABC series Nashville.

10PM - 11PM

ABC
Nashville
**EDITORS' PICK!** NEW! Series premiere airs 10/10 at 10pm
This scintillating drama stars Connie Britton and Hayden Panettiere as a fading country music legend and an upcoming crossover star in the pop/country scenes, and the two just plain don't get along. It's like Smash but with more cigarette butts on the floor.


CBS
CSI
Season 13 premieres 9/26 at 10pm
Oh please, like you need a blurb for this.


NBC
Chicago Fire
NEW! Series premiere airs 10/10 at 10pm
Ever wish a hunky firefighter's calendar would come to life and prance around on your television screen? This is it! Nothing groundbreaking here, just a bunch of firemen and firewomen from different backgrounds trying to get along under extreme circumstances.



Adam Levine is joining FX's American Horror Story for Season 2.


FX
American Horror Story: Asylum
**EDITORS' PICK!** Season 2 premieres 10/17 at 10pm
This show is so scary we have to watch it while wearing a colostomy bag. Season 2 will jump back in time and be set in a haunted mental institution because OF COURSE IT WILL.


USA
Psych
Season 7 premiere TBA
We didn't have a premiere date as of press time, but we expect the show and its pineapples to return to Wednesdays at 10pm sometime this fall.


Comedy Central
South Park
Season 16 returns 9/26 at 10pm
How this show continues to be the most current animated program after 15 seasons and still manages to be funny is beyond me. You hear that, The Simpsons?


Comedy Central
Key & Peel
Returns with new episodes 9/26 at 10:30pm
Expect lots of political sketches and Obama impressions as we head into the November election.


A & E
Duck Dynasty
Season 2 premieres 10/10 at 10pm
In case Season 1 didn't teach you everything you ever needed to know about how things work in a family-owned duck-call fabrication business, with the added bonus of a rags-to-redneck-riches story, the Robertsons are back for Season 2!



SUN MON TUES WED THUR FRI SAT



What will YOU be watching this fall? Share your personal viewing schedule in the comments!





The new fall TV season can be a dark, scary, lonely place. What's The New Normal? 666 Park Avenue doesn't show up on Google Maps! Is there anything on besides The Voice? Fear not, brave adventurer! We're here to help walk you through the obstacle course known as the 2012 Fall TV Schedule with this guide that lays out the who, what, when, where, why, and how many monkeys dressed and doctors for all the shows worth watching.

(Note: This should be used as a general guide. Schedules are subject to change, and they probably will.)


SUN MON TUES WED THUR FRI SAT



THURSDAY

And the Lord of Television said, "Let Thursdays be rich and bountiful with quality television!" and so it came to pass that Thursdays would henceforth be known as the day that your DVR cowered under the covers, screaming, "No more! No more!"


New ABC drama Last Resort.

8PM - 9PM

ABC
Last Resort
**EDITORS' PICK!** NEW! Series premiere airs 9/27 at 8pm
Listen guys, this show has nuclear submarines firing missiles, military conspiracies, an exotic island outpost that becomes the world's tiniest sovereign nuclear nation, Andre Braugher being Andre Braugher, and Autumn Reeser in her underwear. S-O-L-D!


CBS
The Big Bang Theory
Season 6 premieres 9/27 at 8pm
Season 5 ended with Wolowitz going where no man has boldly gone before... into marriage! Oh yeah, he went into space, too. Heck, even Sheldon (SHELDON!) has a girlfriend now, which means there's hope for all of you out there to find that special someone who will put up with your collection of autographed Farscape collectible cards.


CBS
Two and a Half Men
Season 10 premieres 9/27 at 8:30pm
Still no Charlie Sheen.


NBC
30 Rock
Season 7 premieres 10/4 at 8pm
This is the final season for Tina Fey's satiric look at working on an NBC sketch show. We're going to miss all the Emmy-hogging and blabber about low ratings once it's over. But hey, Bryan Cranston is going to guest-star this year!


NBC
Up All Night
Season 2 premieres 9/20 at 8:30pm
There will be lots of changes coming in Season 2 of the Christina Applegate comedy as NBC looks to "broaden" its sitcom slate. It sounds like the workplace side of things will be toned down a lot, as Ava's talk show is out, Sean Hayes is in, and baby stories are very, very in.


FOX
The X Factor Results Show
Thursday episodes begin 9/13 at 8pm
Tune in to see if Britney Spears is still alive after pounding 24 bottles of cough syrup. Or as she calls it, "Wednesday."



The CW's The Vampire Diaries. Price's photo recaps return Friday, 10/12! (Is it Friday, 10/12 yet?)


The CW
The Vampire Diaries
**EDITORS' PICK!** Season 4 premieres 10/11 at 8pm
Our bread and butter is back with its main threesome 50 percent more vampire!


USA
Burn Notice
Season 6 returns 11/8 at 9pm
What!? Burn Notice is coming back in November? It seems like it was just last month that the summer finale featured a major super mega double-triple cross. Probably because it was just last month.




CBS's Person of Interest.

9PM - 10PM

ABC
Grey's Anatomy
Season 9 premieres 9/27 at 9pm
The Season 8 finale made us all afraid of air travel, but hey, if your plane is going to go down, it may as well be full of sexy doctors! Who lived, who died, and who hooked up while Dr. McLonely set the pilot's broken leg?


CBS
Person of Interest
**EDITORS' PICK!** Season 2 premieres 9/27 at 9pm
John Reese will shoot you in the knee if you don't check out his surprise hit about vigilantes helping people before those people know they're in trouble. What happened to Finch? Will the computer and John partner up and be buddies? Who is the bigger threat: Root or Elias? And most importantly, how did this show get so good?


NBC
The Office
Season 9 premieres 9/20 at 9pm
Season 9 will be Dunder-Mifflin's last hurrah as NBC's long-running comedy finally says goodbye, kind of like that guy who won't leave your party until everyone else has left and you're in your pajamas.


NBC
Parks and Recreation
**EDITORS' PICK!** Season 5 premieres 9/20 at 9:30pm
The Office and 30 Rock are ending, leaving poor little Parks and Recreation as the veteran comedy on NBC's Thursday block. The new season opens in Washington D.C., and will feature plenty of cameos from your favorite politicians!



Fox's musical dramedy Glee.


FOX
Glee
Season 4 premieres 9/13 at 9pm
They're doing "Call Me Maybe" this year. Apocalypse incoming.


The CW
Beauty and the Beast
NEW! Series premiere airs 10/11 at 9pm
Kristin Kreuk plays a hard-nosed police detective (?) in this loose remake of the late-'80s television show. The Beast is a man who has been horribly disfigured with a two-inch scar on his finely sculpted cheekbone.




Lucy Liu plays Watson in CBS's Sherlock Holmes drama Elementary.

10PM - 11PM

ABC
Scandal
Season 2 premieres 9/27 at 10pm
This Shonda Rhimes show about a crisis management team in Washington, D.C. may have benefited from being a late entry to last year's season, but the shortened first season was a blast. Season 2 will show us what we really want to know: Is this just Grey's Anatomy without scrubs?


CBS
Elementary
**EDITORS' PICK!** NEW! Series premiere airs 9/27 at 10pm
Classic super-sleuth Sherlock Holmes gets another reboot, this time at the hands of an accent-keeping Jonny Lee Miller and in modern-day New York City. Watson is a lady, too. But you know what? It works.


NBC
Rock Center with Brian Williams
New episodes return 9/13 at 10pm
Annnnnd apparently NBC has given up on Thursdays at 10pm.


FX
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
**EDITORS' PICK!** Season 8 premieres 10/11 at 10pm
This season, the Paddy's gang will help solve a garbageman strike and Sweet Dee will get addicted to online gaming. There's also a good chance that one of them will make a fool out of themselves.


FX
The League
Season 4 premieres 10/11 at 10:30pm
With an early October premiere date, the fantasy football-themed comedy will be right on time to help you get over just how badly your own fantasy football team sucks.



Get ready to say goodbye to the Guidos: There's only one more season of Jersey Shore on MTV.


MTV
Jersey Shore
Season 6 premieres 10/4 at 10pm
Remember when that doctor told you that your rash would clear up after six seasons? He was right! This is the last season of the reality program that took cable by storm and then date-raped it.


Bravo
The Real Housewives of Miami
Season 2 premieres 9/13 at 10pm
We're not sure if that Swamp Thing lady from Season 1 will back for Season 2.



11PM - 12AM

FX
Brand X with Russell Brand
New episodes return 10/11 at 11pm
Rambling British funny man Russell Brand goes off the script with predictably confusing results. Is he channeling the voice of God or is he attempting to clinch the world record for most time spent being annoying?


SUN MON TUES WED THUR FRI SAT



What will YOU be watching this fall? Share your personal viewing schedule in the comments!





The new fall TV season can be a dark, scary, lonely place. What's The New Normal? 666 Park Avenue doesn't show up on Google Maps! Is there anything on besides The Voice? Fear not, brave adventurer! We're here to help walk you through the obstacle course known as the 2012 Fall TV Schedule with this guide that lays out the who, what, when, where, why, and how many monkeys dressed and doctors for all the shows worth watching.

(Note: This should be used as a general guide. Schedules are subject to change, and they probably will.)


SUN MON TUES WED THUR FRI SAT



FRIDAY

Welcome to Freaky Fridays. How else can you describe a night that has both Community and Fringe, but also Whitney, Last Man Standing, and Malibu Country?


ABC's new Reba McIntyre comedy Malibu Country.

8PM - 9PM

ABC
Shark Tank
Season 4 premieres 9/14 at 8pm
Warning: This program does not feature sharks swimming around in a tank, as a cursory glimpse at the title would indicate. It is, in fact, a show about businessmen pitching ideas to potential investors. It is not—we repeat—NOT! a drama about a small cabal of toothy fish that take revenge on octopus people by riding around in an armored vehicle that rains destruction. First rule of business: False advertising will get you everywhere.


ABC
Last Man Standing
Season 2 premieres 11/2 at 8pm
Just because this show was banished to Fridays doesn't mean it's terrible. Everything else about the show is what makes makes it terrible. Haha, JK! Tim Allen has way more money than us so what do we know?


ABC
Malibu Country
NEW! Series premiere aires 11/2 at 8:30pm
ABC was looking for the perfect companion to Last Man Standing, so it dusted off Reba McIntyre and gave her a show about a country singer who gets cheated on and moves to Los Angeles to revitalize her career. Perfect.


CBS
CSI: NY
Season 9 premieres 9/28 at 8pm
The "NY" stands for New York!


NBC
Whitney
Season 2 premieres 10/19 at 8pm
More like Wit-less, amirite? Hahahahaha. Anyway, Whitney Cummings also has a lot more money than us, so we're just going to shut up.



NBC's Community. (#sixseasonsandamovie)


NBC
Community
**EDITORS' PICK!** Season 4 premieres 10/19 at 8:30pm
We fought, we scratched, we clawed to save our favorite network sitcom, and we won. Complain all you want about Community moving to Fridays, about Dan Harmon being fired, about the 13-episode order. We're just happy it's back. #sixseasonsandamovie


FOX
Kitchen Nightmares
Season 6 premieres 9/28 at 8pm
Celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay prepares a Screaming Maniac a l'Orange, a side of braised profanity, and finishes off the meal with a Crème de You're an Idiot.


FOX
Touch
Season 2 premieres 10/26 at 8pm
This series got moved to Fridays, too? Are Fridays just sort of waiting room for death?


The CW
America's Next Top Model
Cycle 19 began 8/24 at 8pm
This is the college edition of the long-running modeling competition, meaning it will be the first batch of ANTM contestants who can spell their own name.




New CBS drama Made in Jersey.

9PM - 10PM

ABC
Primetime: What Would You Do?
Season 2 premieres 9/14 at 9pm
John Quiñones hosts this (sometimes surprisingly compelling!) hidden-camera show about how people react when faced with tough situations... specifically ones that involve injustice or illegal activity.


CBS
Made in Jersey
NEW! Series premiere airs 9/28 at 9pm
You think you've heard of every legal drama, but what happens when a streetwise chica from New Jersey gets a job at a stuffy New York legal firm? Okay, now you've heard of every legal drama.


NBC
Grimm
Time period premiere airs 9/28 at 9pm
You won't find Snow White or Mulan in this fairy-tale procedural, but you will find a bunch of guys who vaguely look like animals but not totally enough that you can tell what animal they're supposed to be. Is that a rat man or a rabbit man or a mole man? It should be noted that Season 2 has already started (and has been airing on Mondays) thanks to an early post-Olympic push, so if you're hearing this for the first time, just find a wormhole and go back to August and you'll be fine.



Fringe is headed to the year 2036 for its fifth and final season.


FOX
Fringe
**EDITORS' PICK!** Season 5 premieres 9/28 at 9pm
It's the final season for the sci-fi show that Fox thankfully wouldn't kill, and we're headed to the year 2036 to see how it ends. Observers, prepare to get peepee in your hot sauce, because the Fringe Division is going to kick your bald asses back to your own stupid time.


The CW
Nikita
Season 3 premieres 10/19 at 9pm
Nikita's plan to destroy Division has made this series the most deadly show on network TV, averaging nine deaths per episode, according to a recent study. So that sounds like a reason to watch!


FX
The Ultimate Fighter Fridays
Premiere airs 9/14 at 9pm
It's Friday, so let's all get drunk and pop each others' elbows out their sockets!




New Cinemax thriller Hunted.

10PM - 11PM

ABC
20/20
Season 31 premieres 9/14 at 10pm
This long-running newsmagazine is great for keggers!


CBS
Blue Bloods
Season 3 premieres 9/28 at 10pm
Surprise! A New York-based Irish-American family with multiple generations of police officers has problems.


NBC
Dateline NBC
New episodes will air at 10pm
"We're a newsmagazine dedicated to investigative reporting, mysteries, and social justice." —Dateline NBC


Syfy
Haven
Season 3 premieres 9/21 at 10pm
Audrey returns for another season of hanging out with weirdos.


HBO
Real Time with Bill Maher
Currently in Season 10; new episodes air at 10pm
It's an election year, so things are about to get interesting!


Cinemax
Hunted
NEW! Series premiere airs 10/19 at 10pm
"Sexy female spy antics" is all you need to know about this new show.



SUN MON TUES WED THUR FRI SAT



What will YOU be watching this fall? Share your personal viewing schedule in the comments!





The new fall TV season can be a dark, scary, lonely place. What's The New Normal? 666 Park Avenue doesn't show up on Google Maps! Is there anything on besides The Voice? Fear not, brave adventurer! We're here to help walk you through the obstacle course known as the 2012 Fall TV Schedule with this guide that lays out the who, what, when, where, why, and how many monkeys dressed and doctors for all the shows worth watching.

(Note: This should be used as a general guide. Schedules are subject to change, and they probably will.)


SUN MON TUES WED THUR FRI SAT



SATURDAY

Go ahead and take the day off, unless you're fighting the Daleks.


The BBC/BBC America's much-beloved Doctor Who.

9PM - 10PM

BBC America
Doctor Who
Season 7 premiered 9/1 at 9pm
Now with more weekly episode reviews!


BBC America
Bedlam
Season 2 premieres 10/6 at 10pm
This British supernatural drama, returning for Season 2, sounds like a combination of Being Human, American Horror Story, and the upcoming 666 Park Avenue: A former mental asylum turned upscale apartment building wreaks terrible revenge on its residents.



SyFy's Lake Placid: The Final Chapter.


Syfy
SyFy Saturday Night Creature Features
New SyFy Original Movies air at 9pm
The best thing to happen to Saturdays. This season's crop includes Lake Placid: The Final Chapter for completionists.




Chef Race: U.K. vs U.S.

10PM - 11PM

CBS
48 Hours Mystery
Season 26 premieres 9/29 at 10pm
Don't be fooled by the title. It only feels like 48 hours.


BBC America
Chef Race: U.K. vs U.S.
NEW! Series premiere airs 9/29 at 10pm
Think The Amazing Race meets Top Chef: Executive-produced by celebrity chef Jamie Oliver, this reality show follows 16 chefs—eight Brits and eight Americans—as they travel across the U.S. while competing in cooking challenges in hopes of winning a $100,000 grand prize.


TBS
The Wedding Band
NEW! Series premiere airs 11/10 at 10pm
This hour-long comedy about buddies who play music at weddings is almost certain to be canceled quickly (hence the scheduling on a Saturday), so don't get too attached. But hey, Brian Austin Green and Harold Perrineau Jr. are in it!





11PM - 1AM

NBC
Saturday Night Live
Season 38 premieres 9/15 at 11:30pm
Love it or hate it, SNL is a national treasure. Kristen Wiig and Andy Samberg are officially gone this season, and there are several new faces on the way in, so there should be plenty to fight about once Season 38 debuts.



SUN MON TUES WED THUR FRI SAT



What will YOU be watching this fall? Share your personal viewing schedule in the comments!




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