The 2012 MTV Movie Awards: Because Sure, Why Not? (PHOTO RECAP)

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What, are we supposed to talk about The MTV Movie Awards as though it is a real awards show that is important to people? No we are not, because no it is not. The MTV Movie Awards, as far as I can tell, is not an awards show at all, but a very expensive, star-studded Coming Attractions showcase that is pretty up-front about this fact. The categories themselves seem made up on the spot and awards are handed out to whatever celebrity happens to show up to promote an upcoming movie AND still has the arm strength after six consecutive cleanses to physically lift a trophy. The audience never claps as loud for a movie they've seen/loved than a movie they hope to love in the near future. Seriously, God help a movie that came out last year. No, it's all about what's opening later this summer and the MTV Movie Awards wants to make sure you know what those movies are. That is all. The rest is just strobe lights and shouting.

The thing is, it's MTV so the whole two-hour block of ads (with commercial breaks) was still a pretty fun spectacle! It felt short, for one thing. A two-hour maximum running time for awards shows should be mandated by the U.S. Constitution. Plus, you know, celebrities being fun are fun! And let's be real: A sneak preview of The Dark Knight Rises IS more entertaining than handing a trophy to a millionaire, so credit where credit's due: The MTV Movie Awards was occasionally more worthwhile than the Oscars. The Oscars thinks it's so cool with its monochromatic chyrons and interpretive dance numbers and films about speech impediments, but you aren't that cool, Oscars! Get real. You are a big boring waste of time. Wake me when the OSCARS includes a cameo appearance by Janelle Monae and Thor cleavage!

Alright, let's get this dog and pony show on the road. (What is a dog and pony show?) The evening began with a performance by one of today's hottest bands, Lady Doth Protest Too Much.

They did a pretty good job of singing this song that every radio station's been playing on Repeat-1 for the past two months. It got the crowd GOIN'. This lady knows what I'm talking about:

But we all know the most redeeming thing about "We Are Young" is the brief melody sung by Janelle Monae who is technically one of the best things the human race has going for it these days. And sure enough, she popped out onstage to sing her one phrase over and over!

It kinda made it seem even more appalling that Fun. couldn't figure out how to give her more things to sing in that song, but she was a good sport. (And she wore a jaunty cap!) Anyway, yeah. Even these beloved characters from Step Up enjoyed the performance.

So, just FYI, for you stage-philes out there, here's what the stage looked like:

The cool part was the Epcot-like tunnel that everyone would emerge from.

Right during this part above, for a split second I started stressing out that the guy walking out was "Weird Al" Yankovic! I don't know why that would've been stressful since what a pleasant surprise that would have been! Only that sometimes I need to get mentally prepared to deal with Weird Al, you know? Especially if he's going to be wearing that early-2000's flat-ironed look again.

Anyway, it was not Weird Al. It was Russell Brand!

He did his thing. He made me laugh once when he said that Justin Bieber is so pretty that if he attacked Russell Brand, Russell Brand would probably "make a tiny orgasm." But then he segued into some jokes about Kim Kardashian's sex tape which the blond villain from Hunger Games REALLY enjoyed.

Speaking of stars, the crowd was positively PACKED with them.

Honestly, I'm just as happy as the next person that Michael Fassbender decided to make Shame, but aren't the dick jokes getting kiiiinda tired? By the time Russell Brand ripped a baker's dozen of them right in a row, it became clear that we really need to move on as a society. Let's all just agree to give Michael Fassbender's penis a break.

Also, I was already getting kinda bored by the opening monologue so I started playing a game my friend Darren taught me: CELEBRITY STRETCH! In the picture below, see if you can spot...

1. Celebrity Stretch Early '90s Jennifer Lopez
2. Celebrity Stretch Karl Pilkington
3. Celebrity Stretch Foster the People
4. Celebrity Stretch Librarian Lady Gaga
5. Celebrity Stretch Sunburnt Jewel
6. Celebrity Stretch The Wife From Storage Wars
7. Celebrity Stretch Janine From Ghostbusters
8. Celebrity Stretch Dennis Rodman

Some people from Rock of Ages were there. The guy on the right was VERY excited about having been in Rock of Ages. The child in the middle was the one I was relating to, though. That was pretty much the look on my face for the entire broadcast.

What was great was how all the celebrity presenters (who all coincidentally have movies coming out this summer!) were all given pre-written comedy bits to perform before reading the nominees. In the case of Mila Kunis and Mark Wahlberg, they were presenting the category of Best Dirtbag (which, what?) and their comedy bit had to do with calling beloved historical figures dirtbags. Like Mother Teresa, etc. And at some point Mark Wahlberg seemed to get mad at the teleprompter and started complaining that HE hadn't written it. But guess what Mark Wahlberg? This bit was written for you because you CAN'T WRITE. You honestly probably didn't have a single thing to say up there, so they had to write you some crummy bit. And by the way, we all watched That '70s Show and we know for a fact that Mila Kunis is a TINY LADY and yet there she was, towering over Mark Wahlberg. We're onto you, guy. Whether she's in heels or not, you are three apples tall and now we know.

But yeah, Jennifer Aniston won for Best Dirtbag for Horrible Bosses (fact: she was good in that!). So, congratulations?

First off, Sway is still a thing. Secondly, why is the lead actress from Birdemic: Shock and Terror accepting some weird StateFarm backstage pass from Sway during a commercial break? Related: Why do I still even know what Birdemic is? (It was basically The Room of 2010.) Why do I retain that kind of information but I can't remember my license plate number? I have no answers, only questions.

See what I'm saying? You couldn't BUY this kind of publicity! Oh wait. Hmm. Anyway, my favorite thing in awards shows are the cut-aways to audience members, especially if people aren't reacting appropriately to what's on stage. This Emma Watson stone-faced reaction to an Emma Stone joke was pretty perfect:

Anyway, Emma Stone and real-life British boyfriend Andrew Garfield presented an award for something called Breakthrough Performance, and weirdly enough, the girl from The Descendants won it! The Descendants was great, but it was pretty much the LAST movie I'd expect to see take home an award at this thing. I mean, I'm sure this girl won it because she's also on The Secret Life of the American Teenager, but who cares? The Descendants!

I felt slightly weird when she encouraged the audience to clap for Hawaii. I don't know. Seems like Hawaii's doing fine.

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KEVIN'S BALLOON.

I truly don't know what the deal was with Ezra Miller's balloon OR his wooden bead necklace. Kids! But oh look, it's Logan Lerman. Quick question: Is he aging backwards? Why is he back to his Jack & Bobby look? This town and its pressures to look young!!

Oh, nevermind. I think I know what's going on:

Whoops! Be careful, Logan Lerman! There's always a catch!

Then Josh Hutcherson won for Best Male Performance:

And then this happened:

I mean. I don't care if you are a man or a lady, where do YOUR eyes land on this picture? On the one who is allegedly the fairest of them all? HAHA sure.

Jennifer Lawrence won for Best Female and she accepted the award VIA SATELLITE like a true boss.

<3 U JL. Stay safe girl.

Then Charlie Sheen came out and put on his awful sunglasses and presented an award to Project X for whatever. "Instant Cult Classic" or something. There were no other nominees, btw. I don't mean to start a flame war that burns down the internet, but maybe Charlie Sheen and Chris Brown could jump off a cliff holding hands? I truly don't think I'm all THAT curmudgeonly, but if MTV is going to embrace these monsters then I really don't relate to youth culture as much as I'd once thought. I don't know. I'm simple folk and I think being famous is a privilege that can and should be revoked. And maybe recovering alcoholic Russell Brand shouldn't have made jokes about having left a gift of drugs underneath Charlie Sheen's seat? I don't know. It's a free country and whatever, but I think the right to freedom includes the right to not behave like an A-hole on TV. Oooh I got serious just now!

Wiz Khalifa was fun. Too bad every other word was blanked out. Although I'm pretty sure I still heard an occasional S-word in there. Did you guys like the empty red Solo cups the crowd were using as props?

Recent SNL retiree Andy Samberg was then joined onstage by Leighton Meester and Adam Sandler for a bit in which they talked about memorable kisses and Andy Samberg said he once tongued his dog's anus. I plan to use this joke next time someone attempts to tell me that Andy Samberg will be missed on SNL.

Best Kiss was obviously awarded to Twilight for the fourth consecutive year and Kristen Stewart accepted the award all by her lonesome! I loved how she set the golden popcorn onto the stage like a bag lady.

Here's the thing: I like Kristen Stewart a lot. She gets tons of guff for looking disheveled and super high all the time, but I like her vibe. Don't get me wrong, the Twilight Saga is a bunch of reprehensible garbage, but I FEEL like she and Robert Pattinson know that. She ardently defended Twilight a couple times last night, but come on, get real. I'm sure she's been sat down by Old Man Hollywood and forced to learn how to seem genuine when praising her meal ticket. But give it a couple years. There's gonna be some Vanity Fair article where she goes off on those movies and I can't wait. Is it sort of annoying that she seems almost reluctant to be an actress at all? Yeah, super annoying. However, I still find it amusing and I think that sets her apart from her peers. You do you, Kristen Stewart!

You know what? I'm tired. I'm not even sure what was going on at this point. Johnny Depp got an award for whatever and he played guitar with The Black Keys and there was a montage of all the movies he'd ever been in (and A LOT of them are incredible). Then he mumbled some speech about I don't remember. But I still like him! I just don't understand a lot of his recent career choices or outfits.

What is it called when gypsies take to the stage with unknown intention? A jamboree? A fandango? Just straight-up shenanigans?

If we're being honest, this year's broadcast was a lot better than what I can recall of last year's. I was glad that they seemed to have scaled back on the pre-taped comedy bits. This one was kind of the only one they did, right? Joel McHale as a Hollywood archery consultant.

It was fine. Needed a Dan Harmon punch-up probably.

Charlize Theron and Michael Fassbender came out and kiiiinda embarrassed themselves with a fake fight. To present Best Fight. So...

And it went to Hunger Games for that bloody three-way at the end of the movie. You know me and actors' heights: I love comical height differences! But also, I think maybe Alexander Ludwig has started his jerky bouncer career a little TOO early.

Like, come on, Alexander Ludwig. You still have at least a FEW more acting years left in you. Back-burner the bouncer stuff for now.

Then ladies of the new Total Recall movie came out and attempted to balance out the post-Hemsworth hormones in the room. They presented the award for Best Cast, which of course went to Harry Potter: The Final Friday.

It was funny how Emma Watson accepted the award by herself on behalf of a cast of thousands, plus did she mispronounce Ralph Fiennes' name? I thought the "l" was silent? I don't know, maybe I don't speak British.

Matthew McConaughy and Channing Tatum came out to present and it made me laugh when Channing Tatum pretended he didn't know how to read the teleprompter but that he was more than fine with just stripping instead. I thought that was clever actually! Call me easily impressed. Another thing I like about Channing Tatum is—how do I put this delicately?—he pulls a Janet Jackson in between movies. Weight on, weight off, weight on, weight off. I just love that certain male heartthrobs have to deal with the same body issues, you know? It just seems fair!

Oh, and then Joe Manganiello came out in his Magic Mike costume and helped present the award for "Best Transformation" to Elizabeth Banks. And she groped and sexually harassed those menfolk like it was her JOB. It was actually one of the few moments all night when the show seemed spontaneous and fun, so yeah. That was a highlight I'm thinking.

Ooh, then another highlight! A montage of celebrities talking smack on Emma Stone. Including Anna Faris who attempted to praise Sharon Stone instead.

This was for some award called the Trailblazer Award! Which is an award you should definitely award to a young twenty-something woman. For blazing trails. Even Emma Stone was like, "Um, I have not blazed trails." But she still gave a completely heartfelt, articulate and winning speech that I really enjoyed. I enjoy Emma Stone, so it follows that I'd enjoy her speech. No big whoop. Good job, Emma Stone! I'm not convinced this was an appropriate award for you, but then again, you should have ALL the awards, including children's soccer trophies, just all the awards.

Then the show was really building to something special: A FULL-ON INFORMERCIAL for The Dark Knight Rises. Out came the bat suit, a dapper Gary Oldman, a cagey Christian Bale, and a suddenly SUPER FRATTY Joseph Gordon-Levitt? Did I oversleep and miss something here? When did the kid from Brick become Scott Caan?

I mean fine. FINE. Go that route, JGL. Nobody's mad. Just making observations.

This guy. He does good work. Christopher Nolan deserves a raise, am I right?

So, for our final award of the night, out walked a presenter who is just so relevant to today's modern moviegoing teens.

I liked Jodie Foster's space-age fashions. I swear it was like she was sending Tilda Swinton a message: I MADE YOU.

So best movie went to Twilight 4 obviously.

It was accepted by a truly exhausted-looking Kristen Stewart along with Taylor Lautner's evil twin.

And then it was all over! Not just the show, but the entire movie industry! Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. You can't win 'em all, you know?

Just kidding, this broadcast was fine. It successfully reminded us of what movies will be opening soon, and it presented to us a number of celebrities that we the viewers were able to look at and listen to, plus the celebrities got to raise their IMDB StarMeters a bit, and let's not forget about The Dark Knight Rises clip. Everybody got something out of it! I'm calling this one a success.


QUESTIONS:

... Who do you think is the better conversationalist, Kristen Stewart or Mark Wahlberg?

... Which celebrity got you the most hot 'n bothered?

... Did you know that MTV has a show called The Teenaged Wolf and it starts soon??

... Be honest, should next year's show just be a two-hour performance by Janelle Monae?