The 70th Annual Golden Globes Were an Embarrassing Joke Obviously But Also Sort of Fun? (PHOTO RECAP)

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The Golden Globes: What are they? Question is rhetorical because NOBODY EVEN KNOWS what they are. To some they are chintzy awards not even fit to rest beside a child's soccer trophies on the basement shelf of a burned-down house. To others the Golden Globes are an opportunity for celebrities to rent tuxedos and frantically network with one another during commercial breaks. For others still, there also appears to be free alcohol. But those explanations are all well and good for the people attending the awards, so what's OUR excuse for caring about the Golden Globes? And don't say that they're some kind of prelude to or predictor of the Oscars because my follow-up question will be WHO CARES about the Oscars? The only Oscar *I* care about is Dana's baby in Ghostbusters II. Does it really matter which of these gorgeous millionaires gets another trophy? Or is it just that we really love to see a hundred familiar faces all in the same room like it's the TV and movie actor version of "We Are the World" but without tons of hot solos? Look, I'm sorry to get existential on you, no conversation examining WHY we watch the Golden Globes in the first place can possibly lead anywhere productive without somehow careening down a dark, dark path of unknowable chaos and soul-deadening nihilism. So let's not question why, let's just talk about the thing itself. Everything was so boring but fun but normal but WEIRD. Not a total waste of time, in other words.

Speaking of words, I've got more of 'em!

So this above image basically sums up about 85 percent of the evening. Celebrities talking amongst themselves. Plastic water bottles. People visibly hating each other. It was seriously so crazy, anytime the hosts would throw to commercial the entire room would jump to their feet and scramble to... do what exactly? I'm not even sure? I think just talk about business? Or maybe just do tons of drugs in the bathroom. Either way, people did NOT care about the awards, which is probably why the audience talked through most of it.

Anyway, enough about the riff-raff. The main thing these awards had going for them was the extremely top-notch hosting situation, for real:

Not only did Tina Fey and Amy Poehler look pretty as heck, their comedy was somehow both light AND brutal. First they casually mentioned that Ricky Gervais isn't technically in showbusiness anymore (LOL!), but they really brought down the house when they defended Kathryn Bigelow's portrayal of torture in Zero Dark Thirty on the grounds that she'd earned the right to depict torture after having been married to James Cameron for so many years.

Jessica Chastain knew the score. And you KNOW Kathryn Bigelow must've told her some sh*t on set, because that is not the kind of reaction you give when you don't know or care about someone's ex. For the record, Kathryn Bigelow thought the joke was pretty funny too. I think everything will be okay, but that depends on how long it takes James Cameron's underwater armada to emerge from the Marianas Trench and destroy us all. We have at least a few more hours, right?

Anyway, after a bunch more funny jokes (including an extended riff about how the HFPA is basically an STD), some Goldie Hawn-lookin' lady and also a nightclub promoter (?) came out and presented the first award, for Best Supporting Actor in a whatever. Look, I'm not going to be good at keeping all the categories straight, so I'm including them in the screengrabs:

Yeah so Christoph Waltz won this one. He gave a surprisingly frank acceptance speech about how much he's glad that people gave him work, alluding to some kind of disastrous Jerri Blank-like past from which he barely recovered. I don't know, but good luck, guy!

Oh, and I just had to point this out. Do you see who I'm looking at here? Exactly, girl in the lavender dress. That's Cody Horn, daughter of the most powerful man in the room Alan Horn, and also the same lady who tried to ruin Magic Mike last summer like some kind of supervillain. Anyway, I just wanted to point out that she was sitting front and center the entire night with THAT look on her face:

Like, damn. I'm not saying winning a Golden Globe is the best thing ever to happen to a celebrity, but can you imagine finally getting to take the stage and make an acceptance speech and THAT FACE is staring up at you? U MAD CODY HORN?

Oh, and you might remember that the Golden Globes has this slightly icky tradition of allowing celebrities' children to usher winners off the stage. This year it was Michael J. Fox's son and also Clint Eastwood's daughter. They were as cute as they were tiny! I heard a rumor that Sam Fox sleeps in a rollerskate, do you know if that's true? DM me.

Dennis Quaid and Kerry Washington came out lookin' tight 'n aight, announced that Maggie Smith won Supporting Actress in a whatever, then hustled her trophy backstage, out the back door, and directly to a FedEx Kinkos to overnight it so that she could receive it ASAP at her home and throw it directly into the garbage. Congrats, Maggie Smith!

Then these two handsome teens came out and presented another trophy!

I like it whenever Jay Roach wins awards because he thanks Susanna Hoffs and it always makes me giggle that he married the lead singer of The Bangles. Man, how cool must that be??

So this was really funny... for the major acting categories, Amy Poehler and Tina Fey created fake personas and included themselves in the nominees.

I was laughing really hard at this, expecially when Eva Longoria explained with a straight face that this actress had played "a psychic who solves her own murder." (Also, check out that hungry publicity monster patting her on the back!)

Anyway, it should come as no surprise that Julianne Moore won again for playing Sarah Palin. It's amazing how much I love Moore's work and totally recognize her as the national treasure she is, but her acceptance speeches are still so annoying to me? Like, I bit my tongue when she screeched her way through her Emmys speech, but come on, lady, you're really testing my patience now. And WHY will your kids be so relieved that you won this award? Care to explain? Are your kids by any chance MANIACS? I liked that she thanked Tina Fey, though, that was pretty rad.

They did this thing where people came out and introduced what were essentially movie trailers of the ten nominated movies. So yeah, here was Catherine Zeta-Jones halfway singing something from Les Mis, I don't care, wake me when it's "Fantine's Death" you guys, that's the only one I want to hear right now.

THIS LADY! I can explain it but you kinda had to be there. She was in charge of this entire event and organization, as if that weren't plainly obvious from her bling.

Rosario Dawson introduced The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, which I haven't seen but I've heard is steamy as hell.

Oof, Paul Rudd had a tough night. First this sub-Catskills joke about Hollywood agents! (P.S. How did This is 40 do at the box office, anybody know?)

Damian Lewis won Best Actor for Homeland. He deserves it and he is great (better in Dreamcatcher IMO) but much like how when you first notice how small Morena Baccarin's head is, you can't unsee Damian Lewis' tiny mouth. His mouth is very tiny! Imagine him trying to eat a candy apple with that thing. I heard a rumor that the biggest thing that can fit in Damian Lewis's mouth is a single Skittle. LAAAAAADIESSSS.

Oh, and then after that part Salma Hayek and Paul Rudd were supposed to deliver another trophy unto a winner, but I guess the teleprompter was busted and they stared into the camera for SO LONG.

Even better, Salma Hayek finally turned to him and said, literally, "Something about the best, uh..." before the clips package cut her off. Oh my gosh, what a highlight. I enjoyed this part immensely! They couldn't even remember the category! Fair enough, because why should anybody? There are 72 different categories, each with a one-word difference between them. Why introduce categories at all? Why even have categories, for that matter? Why are there Golden Globes again? (Whoops, slippery slope.)

So Homeland won because no duh.

Then John Goodman and I guess the real-life inspiration for Argo came out to introduce Argo, except the real-life guy forgot to speak into the microphone and it was all so awkward and terrible except the dude was a national hero and was above this whole charade to begin with but from a broadcasting point of view this was a disaster as you could tell from John Goodman's face which was as close to perfect as anything would be the entire night. Argo, ladies and gentlemen.

I think these two have a movie coming out or something, doesn't matter in the scheme of things.

This guy won an award for background music. But the REALLY interesting part was when the announcer really wanted us all to know that the Globe trophy had been brought onstage by "International Superstar Yoshiki!" Who WAS this mysterious creature??

According to the credits, International Superstar Yoshiki (not be confused with SNL's Mokiki) wrote the score for the evening's awards ceremony. But anybody with eyes could plainly see that Yoshiki was in fact Tilda Swinton. Lookin' good, girl! Great job with that score!

Adele won an award for the boring "Skyfall" theme. I bet she remembers that one time when she sat down for ten minutes and wrote it. "Skyyyyyyyfallllllllllll! Nailed it. That's a wrap."

Taylor Swift seemed VERY happy about losing to Adele as you can tell from this photo. One thing the Golden Globes did well was to hire a straight-up bitchy editor to do the audience cut-aways. Seriously, so many losers would immediately get camera time just after losing. Mean, right? Except we got moments like this one, in which Taylor Swift was revealed to have spent too much time rehearsing her 'surprised' face that she was caught flat-footed when it came to doing her 'human being with normal emotions and appreciative respect' face.

Oh, here is something that kind of blew my mind and might yours too: Taylor Swift and Adele are basically the same age! One year apart. But one is a wisened, clever, fully formed grown-up and the other is like the Cookie Monster but with publicity instead of cookies? Sorry. #TeamHarry

These two came out and their body language told an epic tale. They stood kinda far apart, is what I mean.

Oh, it was the Best Actor in a Drama category, and Tina Fey's fake nominee apparently played a volleyball player struggling to overcome a volleyball injury. I was rooting for him!

Kevin Costner won and gave a very grandfatherly speech about, basically, how actors should appreciate the work, stuff like that. But I'm sorry, Kevin Costner, if you're trying to get people excited about being there, maybe don't speak in the most boring manner imaginable? People were TIRED. Most of the people in that room were on prescription tranquilizers and they'd been up since dawn having their colons steam-cleaned and their skin dyed orange. Don't lecture them on the obvious, lead them in a set of jumping jacks or something! Please, Kevin Costner. Please.

Oooh look who came out to present Lincoln! Former President Bill Clinton!

I probably don't have to tell you this, but he got a pretty warm reception in that socialist collective of HOLLYWOOD LIBZ. Haha I miss the '90s too no I don't.

Man I think I loved this the best out of everything all night. First, Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell walking out with those looks on their faces. Yes, exactly! So good. But then they did this extended bit wherein they pretended to have seen all the nominated comedies and instead riffed/improvised incorrect plot synopses much like the Garth & Kat sketches on SNL's Weekend Update. I nearly fell on the ground when they mispronounced Meryl Streep's name, and it was a total delight seeing Jennifer Lawrence's delight in just how incorrect their Silver Linings Playbook description was. So good. Just very, very good.

This man did NOT agree:

And just to be clear, Tommy Lee Jones was NOT doing a bit here. He seriously sat there grimacing during this segment. Not just grimacing, but he looked legitimately pained, like something great and wonderful that he had once held dear to his heart was being beaten in the street with a broken-off car antenna. I'm sorry you can't appreciate joy, Tommy Lee Jones, but this is no country for old men. It's the Golden Goddamn Globes. It is merely voted upon by old men.

Jennifer Lawrence won for best actress in whatever, and deserved it so bad. Who doesn't like Jennifer Lawrence? Very few people! Also her acceptance speech was wonderful. She pretend- (or maybe for real) gloated that she'd beaten Meryl Streep and casually thanked Harvey Weinstein for murdering whomever he needed to murder in order to get Lawrence this prize. Okay, those things make her sound like a horse's patoot, but she wasn't! Jennifer Lawrence is the new America's Sweetheart and everybody knows this, deal w/it.

John Krasinski and Kristen Bell seemed nice. Ed Harris won whatever award they were presenting but he wasn't there so they accepted it on his behalf. I will bet you one thousand dollars that not only will Ed Harris never see that trophy, he will never even be told that he won it.

Jamie Foxx introduced Django Unchained and seemed kinda mad about it?

Megan Fox and Jonah Hill! See, Megan Fox is, I think, supposed to be considered hot, so I think it was supposed to maybe be considered funny when they pretended that she's stalking Jonah Hill and not the other way around. Despite their dead eyes, it was a very funny idea!

Anne Hathaway won Supporting Actress because obviously she won that. I'm not one of those knee-jerk Anne Hathaway haters (relax, Anne Hathaway haters, what's the deal??). I like her and she did a great job in The Miserable, especially with all that melodic screaming she had to do. Her acceptance speech was all about how she always worked really hard and didn't get too depressed whenever she'd only get well-paying starring vehicles in commercial features rather than art films. It was a real hero's journey basically. But anyway I really liked Anne Hathaway as Catwoman a lot too. Someone once tried to tell me that Anne Hathaway wasn't a good Catwoman because Michelle Pfeiffer was such a good Catwoman and I was thinking to myself, 'Who is this asshole?' I mean, Batman Returns IS my favorite Batman movie, but why do we always gotta rank things? TWO people can do a good job at something, okay?

So then another award, probably for writing.

Tarantino went on and on about how when he's writing a screenplay he makes his friends listen to him and not give him any notes, he just wants to shout his screenplay at them and it helps him. And for that, he is grateful.

Jeremy Irons came out like some kind of elegant ghoul and introduced Salmon Fishing in the Yemen, which is possibly a fake movie, I'll have to check on that.

These two ladies introduced another award (please don't ask me to keep track of which ones) and I'm pretty sure Debra Messing pronounced the "s" in Louis C.K. Just FYI.

Um, sorry, I love Don Cheadle so much but House of Lies is NOT a good show. Not at all. I mean, what on EARTH? And for the record, Episodes was nominated as best comedy over Louie. Just so you know where the Golden Globes' head is at. (It might just be directly up Showtime's caboose!)

Also Don Cheadle's acceptance speech was so boring that it looked like the audience was starting to get ANGRY about it. (Ignore Cody Horn, she always looks like that.)

Look at these two hunks! Hubba hubba, am I right ladies? (I didn't understand a word they said.)

Michael Haneke, who spends a lot of his time making movies that seek to ridicule or upset mass audiences, is finally starting to be recognized by a mass audience! Congrats, Michael Haneke.

It made me so sad when I heard that Lea Michele accidentally shared a teletransporter pod with an orange Otter Pop.

Claire Danes won Best Actress, and her acceptance speeches are still so confusing to me! On the one hand, they're terrifying. She's hyper-articulate and thoughtful and incredibly intelligent, but shouldn't those things put me at ease? Instead my heart RACES because she is so intense. But mostly I'm happy for her because I really love Claire Danes and her work and I'm willing to be terrified of her as long as she gets every role she ever wants from now on, even if it's Mod Squad 2. I trust her.

Sacha Baron Cohen came out to, I guess, workshop a new character he's doing now? Some kind of loud-mouthed emcee at a roast no one asked for. His wildly hilarious material involved saying that Russell Crowe couldn't sing and that Helen Bonham Carter gives handjobs to secure Golden Globes nominations (GOLDEN GLOBES NOMINATIONS). Yeah, I can't wait for this mockumentary to come out. I hope it's as good as Bruno.

Brave won Best Animated Movie, which was what this category was.

I came up with a good alternative title for Life of Pi, has anyone thought of it yet??

Jason Bateman and Aziz Ansari did a pretty funny bit involving Ansari being too high to function after the cast of Downton Abbey hooked him up with drugs. DRUGS! I laughed.

I laughed even harder when we got to the Best Actress in a Comedy Series category, because both Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were nominated for real, and each one cuddled up to a superstar when their respective names were called.

The actual winner, though, was this lady:

Which I am fine with because I love Girls so much and think that Lena Dunham is a superstar. I don't really feel like I need to engage in this debate anymore because debate's over fellas! Girls is terrific.

Haha, so then afterward Poehler and Fey pretended they were all bitter from losing and were drowning their sorrows onstage (Fey kept grumbling that Dunham had thanked her for helping get her through middle school). Little did they know they would then be upstaged by a certain super feminine-looking pirate from Hook!

That's right, Glenn Close was right there with them, drunky wise! Oh Glenn Close, you are a national treasure as well.

The emotional centerpiece of the night was the Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award for Jodie Foster, presented by Robert Downey Jr. But he weirdly turned it into a bit of a roast (and she also tried to make her speech funny), and I kind of wish it wasn't treated like such a yukfest. Like, the part where he got her a hamster and a human piece of garbage named Mel Gibson unveiled a silver platter with a toy hamster and Jodie Foster bit it:

WHAT WAS HAPPENING? And then there was this cutaway joke and it looked like Robert Downey Jr. himself had created the graphic by himself using MS paint?

Uh, knock it off, you guys. All that being said, the montage of all of Jodie Foster's movies was truly well-done. Obviously she's done amazing, amazing work, but the whole package was edited and scored perfectly. Good stuff.

So around the watercooler today you'll probably hear that Jodie Foster "came out" or whatever during this speech. And in the macro sense, yeah, I guess. And that's a very cool, brave thing for her to have done. However, and this might be nit-picking, she did it in sort of a shitty way. (And I'm not talking about how the audio cut out for six seconds right in the middle of her attempt to come out, which was pretty heartbreaking as a viewer.) It was just that when she finally did admit that her former life partner was a woman, she was soooo defensive about it, riffing about how as a celebrity she's being 'forced' to make a spectacle of her life, comparing herself to Honey Boo Boo. And then she put condescending airquotes around the word "privacy" and told us that in the future we'd all be nostalgic for the days when we had it. Hey screw you, lady. You're actively romanticizing being in the closet? Maintaining privacy is a totally separate thing from lying about who you are. If I decided not to tell people I'm Irish, that's not privacy. It's me being at best overly concerned with the judgment of outsiders and at worst a self-hating liar. Look, guys, Jodie Foster is 50 damn years old, plus she was raised on-camera basically. So I get that she's not going to be as cool about certain things as you and I are. It's just a bummer that as happy as I was for her to finally clear the air on a fundamental aspect of her existence, it was upsetting that she did so begrudgingly, accusatorily, and with so many caveats. Welcome to the brave new world of fearless existence, Jodie Foster. Your path was paved long before you traveled it; it's a shame you couldn't have helped out with that.

Hold up, can't rant anymore, Halle Berry's coming!

I don't remember what Halle Berry was presenting, all I can think about was that at one point in Cloud Atlas she played an elderly Korean man.

So then Ben Affleck won Best Director which was a big deal since he didn't even get nominated for an Oscar. So, happy you feel vindicated there, Ben Affleck, but keep in mind this is the Golden Globes, okay? Let's not go crazy here.

Young Tommy Lee Jones came out and introduced Moonrise Kingdom.

Jimmy Fallon and Jay Leno did a deeply unfunny bit about how Jay should retire but Jay don't wanna retire. Lord.

Girls won for Best Comedy! Again, I didn't disagree.

Christian Bale introduced Silver Linings Playbook. (Is Christian Bale about to film a role as a mumbly serial killer-seeming type dude? Just wondering.)

Oh, apparently Ben Affleck didn't thank enough Hollywood insiders, so when Jennifer Garner came out to present, she named a few more people on his behalf. Haha very charming!

Oh, this was the Best Actor in a Drama category, and Bill Murray was obviously the only one anyone should've cared about. I mean just look at him.

But nope, Hugh Jackman won. Les Mis. Valjean. Scream-singing. For France.

A grown-up Pubert Addams introduced Zero Dark Thirty.

Then Dustin Hoffman came out and plugged his boring new moving so many times. Get that movie outta here, Dustin Hoffman!

Les Miserables definitely won for Best Comedy or Musical, but I can't remember if it was a comedy or musical. It was one of those and that's all that matters. But Anne Hathaway definitely bum-rushed the mic so that she could thank more people from her earlier win. Okay, don't make me change my mind about Catwoman, Anne Hathaway.

Just look at George Clooney!

Jessica Chastain won Best Actress and her speech verged uncomfortably close into "I deserve this" territory. No offense, Chastain, but pretty much everyone in that room worked hard for a very long time to get there. You went on Veronica Mars right out of Juilliard, so relax.

Daniel Day-Lewis won for Best Actor, and his speech was endearingly British. Just a few, well-chosen words, and he'd done it!

At this point the end was so tantalizingly close...

And suddenly it was upon us! Presumed dead but apparently very much alive actress Julia Roberts, handing out the very last statuette!

Argo. Congrats to Argo. Argo, everybody!

And that was it! Golden Globes over! Everyone pick up your trophies and get out! (Haha, just kidding. Hey quick question, how many trophies were left behind on the tables at the end of the night, and how did the caterers divvy them up?)

Anyway, yeah, thanks for surviving the ceremony with me. As much as I dashed through it, I will admit that the real pleasure in watching this show was the constant cutting aways to audience members. That was really most of the fun, right there. This guy knows what I'm talking about:

BYEEEE!


QUESTIONS:

... What was your favorite movie of 2012?

... Who was prouder of their win, Anne Hathaway or Jessica Chastain?

... Remember when Halle Berry played an elderly Korean man in Cloud Atlas?

... Should Amy Poehler and Tina Fey host every year from now on?

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