The Alternative World Cup Guide, Part Three

The host nation are out, the French have said au revoir and a revived England toppled Slovenia to secure a place in the next round. But if last week's big World Cup news gives you nothing but ball fatigue, don't despair. Get away from it all with the next instalment of our footie-free TV round up.

From 7.30pm on Friday, ITV airs the last matches of the first round. But for those who don't want to start their weekend by watching 22 rich gentlemen run around for 90 minutes, there are some exciting alternatives.

BBC3 kicks off its version of on-field entertainment with Glastonbury coverage from 7.00pm. There are performances from the indie premiere league, including the inexplicably popular Vampire Weekend and Florence and the Machine. Presenters Edith Bowman and Reggie Yates will oversee the singing and keep us apprised of all the first day gossip.

Over on Sky1, meanwhile, there's classic Futurama (the one where Leela tries to save some penguins), followed by the inexplicably moreish Pineapple Dance Studios.

On Saturday, it's the start of the knock out stage. Uruguay play South Korea (3pm kick off), then at 7.30pm, it’s USA vs Ghana.

But over on Channel 4 at 2.55pm, sweet Gizzi Erskine shows the appropriately named Helen Fudge how to cut calories without compromising on flavour in Cook Yourself Thin.

Flip over to BBC3 at 7.45 and there's more onstage action from Glastonbury, including Shakira and The Cribs. Or, there's triple House on Five USA from 7pm. In episode one, a film crew shadow grouchy Greg as he treats a disfigured teen with a heart condition.

We can't imagine that many Brits will be able to stop themselves from watching England go up against their football foes, Germany, on Sunday at 3pm. But for those who are able to resist, there's this:

Put some space between you and the match by tuning into Sky1 for a quadruple bill of Futurama from 3.00pm. The Professor accidentally interferes with the space/time continuum when he cooks up some mutant pro-basketball players. Or how's about quadruple Scrubs on Comedy Central from 3pm?

That evening, it's Argentina V Mexico. Though you might opt to recharge with some foodie programming after what's bound to be an excruciating England performance.

At 7.00pm, it's River Cottage with smug-but-sensible HFW. Come Dine With Me is at 8pm and five Derby residents, who think they can cook and host, try to outdo each other.

But if chicken-lover Hugh gives you goose flesh and the people who go on CDWM make you want to hurl a ketchup bottle at your screen, play it safe with some Glasto easy listening from 7pm. Jack Johnson and Norah Jones hit the Pyramid Stage. Missing Monday evening’s match (teams TBC), it's easily done. Watch Pineapple Dance Studios from 7.30 or our other favourite trash TV essential, Four Weddings (Living from 7pm). Catty brides-to-be rate each other's (usually horrific) weddings for the chance to win a dream honeymoon.

There's more footie on Tuesday 7.30pm, but then that's it until Friday – hurrah. Swap this final second round fixture for Gok's Fashion Fix on Channel 4 from 8:00pm. In Derbyshire, Gok meets a curvy gal who dresses like a teenage boy. Or, if you prefer, watch 20 dumb Brits tumble their way over an idiotic obstacle course on BBC3. It's Total Wipeout at 7.00pm.

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