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The Alternative World Cup Guide, Part Two

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If you're one of few English folk who doesn’t feel flustered about tonight’s ball-kicking match against Algeria (because, hey ho, you just don’t care), then you’ve come to the right place. And that goes for anyone desperate to escape football mania. Read on for the second instalment of our World Cup-free TV guide.

While most of the world will want to see how Fabio’s boys hold up in their second match of the group stage (coverage from 7pm on ITV1), anyone who doesn’t give a flying kick can find amusement elsewhere.

From 7.30pm on Channel 4, A Place in the Sun helps torn couple Debbie and Iain decide between holiday properties in Yorkshire Dales and Tuscany. Afterwards, there’s a repeat of the explosive Glee finale. New Direction decide that they’ll up their chances of winning at nationals by performing Journey’s back catalogue.

Over on ITV2 from 9pm, two Brits and the Hoff mock American citizens who, misguidedly, believe they have what it takes to perform in Vegas.

On Saturday, Denmark play Cameroon (ITV1 from 7pm). Yeah, whatever.

So much more exciting than that is what’s happening over on G.O.L.D: classic Jonathan Creek and Absolutely Fabulous from 8.20pm.

Just as fabulous is Channel 4’s scheduling choice: 2002 romcom, My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Girl (Greek) meets boy (not Greek), they fall in love, get engaged and the bride’s family demand that their wedding be culturally authentic. Tune in from 7.10pm.

Five times World Cup winners Brazil take on underdogs Cote d’Ivoire on Sunday at 7pm on BBC1. Yawn.

Be sure to miss it by turning over to Comedy Central from 5pm for five hours of Two and a Half Men. Feel the need to take an hour out from this sitcom marathon, then flip over to C4 at 8pm for Come Dine With Me. Amateur chefs from Stoke, including a hairdresser, a banker and a bookie, cook their oven mitts off for the chance to win a grand.

ITV1 is the place to be from 7pm on Monday, if you want to see favourites Spain play Honduras.

If you’d rather watch sporting heroes hit a smaller ball with rackets, there’s first day Wimbledon coverage from noon onwards on BBC2. Duvet day, anyone? But if tennis puts you into a coma just as much as football then E4’s showing 90 minutes of Friends from 7.30pm.

From 7pm on Tuesday, Greece play Argentina on BBC1, while over on BBC3 Nigeria take on South Korea. Like we give a damn.

Fortunately, both matches are easy to avoid. There’s Build a New Life in the Country from 8pm on Five, while over on ITV1, Piers Morgan discovers the real Marbella – from the shopping to shootings.

Wednesday is D-day for group D: it’s Ghana V Germany while Australia play Serbia. The matches overlap on ITV1 from 7pm.

Elsewhere, there’s an Outnumbered repeat (BBC1, 9.30pm) and it’s US rescue drama Trauma on Virgin1 from 8pm. Nancy bonds with a foundling and the team discuss their strangest ever missions.

Thursday sees Cameroon take on The Netherlands on BBC1 (7pm) while, simultaneously on BBC3, Denmark kick it with Japan.

Can’t think of anything you’d rather watch less? Then your other televisual options include: Drop Dead Diva on Living from 8pm, while over on C4, Kirstie and Phil get over excited helping two couples find nice houses. From 9pm, you can flip over to ITV3 for Cornish detective action. Wycliff investigates a supposed suicide

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