The Bachelor: Baring It All

My momma taught me one thing for sure: You need to have a sense of self-esteem. It takes a lot of strength in this world to cultivate a consistent sense of self-esteem that is based on your own internal immutable qualities—which may explain why so far Ben is the only person currently on The Bachelor who seems to really have it.

ABC tres to sell Courtney as a villain because she keeps up a façade of self-esteem while the other girls crumble with insecurity. I would not even call her brand of confidence real self-esteem, because I think she honestly needs Ben's approval and affection. She seemed pretty sincere about "NEEDING" time with him, like if she doesn't have someone sitting across from and her staring adoringly, she starts to feel herself slipping away. The skinny dipping interlude, which began with her creepster appearance at his apartment, was less a villainous move by a commanding seductress, and more like the impulse of someone very alone who needs to have her physical power reinforced, and who feels out-of-place outside of an echo chamber of her own physical appeal.

The Bachelor's editors have loaded the season with snide confessionals to sell Courtney as a villain, but simply resenting your other contestants is not enough to make you a villain on this show. Sure, she's arrogant and rude and she doesn't hesitate to paint the other girls in a very unflattering light. I gasped when she remarked about Blakely, "I guess strippers can play baseball!" (Mostly because, wow, that's like the best movie premise ever! It could be a sexy Bad News Bears! The strippers would have to win a series of games for a pot of money to keep their gentleman's club afloat!!) Courtney also made a catty reference to Elyse's "Jersey Shore coming out."

The way she dissects the other girls opens a window into a harshly judgmental mind that is probably harder on itself than it is on any of the poor souls it takes measure of. Yet Courtney never smears Ben or even insinuates she's anything but coo-coo for cocoa puffs for the goon. There is nothing but deference for this caveman who deliberately parts his hair in the middle and sashays around Puerto Rico in an all-white linen outfit while throwing out Spanish 101 phrases and calling it "Latin swagger." To me, Ben has the repellent aura of spoiled rich kid, but maybe for a model who's looking to retire, that kind of entitled attitude smacks of security and a full wine cellar. (Our clothes are wet! Lets go get all new outfits we'll never wear again! De nada!)

Ben's one-on-one with Katie (KC? Kayzie? Whatever) was underwhelming. She was giggling like a maniac the whole time (a good way to mask a lack of conversation), and when she would talk, he would either stop her mid-sentence with a creeper kiss (rude) or she would go off on very vague tangents about her mysterious first marriage. Like what the eff happened, girl? Is it in the courts, is that why you can't discuss it? "He lost my trust. Things happened early on. We became different people." Just come on out and say he wrecked your Sea-Doo. I appreciate discretion, but how are you supposed to have a relationship with someone who speaks like a horoscope? Her general blanket statements have the ring of inescapable truth, like "You will be in a different place eventually." She teared up and admitted she wanted to love and be loved in return (no shit?) as they watched a bride struggle to get through the door of a church for what seemed like fifteen minutes.

Framing her goals as vague and dreamy may have saved Katie from Elyse's fate. Elyse said pretty much the same things as Katie, but got a little too specific about her expectations. (After all, she's accomplished everything she possibly could as a single woman. Time to make the fetuses!) Ben took swift measure of her limited horizons and sent her home on a dingy (my favorite way for contestants to leave The Bachelor).

I knew Elyse was going home because Ben didn't kiss her during their date, and he usually breaks out the smooching with every woman who makes eye contact with him for more than two minutes. Or maybe Ben just can't get past his penchant for giraffe-shaped girls, since he threw out my beloved Jennifer like yesterday's donuts shortly after axing Elyse, yet kept Emily around even after she so heartily displeased him.

Emily, Emily, Emily, it's a good thing you're six feet tall and ninety pounds, because Ben has really had it with your lousy interior. So have I, frankly. The girl wasted even more time talking trash on Courtney right after apologizing for wasting time talking about Courtney. It came across as neurotically obsessive. It's not like Courtney is sweeping this competition: Ben gave Kacie B. the rose during the group date and picked Lindzi out as an MVP during the baseball game.

(Seriously: I had gym class PTSD when the ladies had to pick teams. Hellish.) But regardless, Ben certainly wasn't picking out Courtney as his personal favorite during the group date, and Emily didn't know about the skinny dipping, so harping on the whole Courtney thing again was sad. Not that it justified Ben's threatening response of "Tread lightly... be careful."

A simple "Shut up" would have been an elegant stroke of chivalry compared to "Tread lightly... be careful." The dynamic on this show is pure Manson family, just with evening wear and less Beatles. Ben really takes to the whole "holding ultimate power over women's heads like an unsheathed sword" thing. Emily was sobbing about how she thinks Ben must hate her, and I agree that it seems like he kind of does, but apparently he doesn't hate her enough to get rid of her. Hell, he kept Jamie and blonde Kacey, who he's barely spoken to, but not Jennifer? I do not understand. And I don't understand how he kept a straight face during Blakely's "revelation" of self-esteem, her crazy speech about how she had just discovered that she believed she deserved love no matter what, or something. Her speech was like a drunk booty call that'd been transcribed by Google voice. Halfway through her "epiphany" I started looking around my apartment for a carbon monoxide leak, like, "Surely what I am hearing is not what she is saying because this is just word salad."

Also, do not give someone a speech about how inside yourself you believe you deserve love no matter what and then start crying because Ben hasn't given you a rose yet. Blakely started audibly whimpering at the rose ceremony like a dog begging at the dinner table for a scrap. Get a hold of yourself! You look like Hope from Days of Our Lives and you're a great baseball player. You do not need the Geico caveman to validate you!!

The precedents of this show has made casting a conundrum, because it can only pull from A) the kind-of dumb, B) the naively young, or C) the wily fame whores. As a viewer, if I have to root for one of those categories, I'm always going to take the side of the wily, no matter how weird she is or how villainous they have to portray her to make it interesting.

QUESTIONS:

... Why did Ben get rid of Jennifer? She was rad and they seemed to actually click.

... Was Courtney's skinny dipping interlude kind of weird and uncomfortable or a sexy good time?

... Were you shocked when Ben chose Lindzi as MVP?

... Kacie's tight curls are coming out in the humidity! Should she play them up with a little Moroccan oil or get a Brazilian blow-out?

... "Be careful"????