The Bachelor sells itself as romantic escapism, a fairytale romance unfolding before the viewer's eyes, but loyal fans (like myself) know the truth: The Bachelor is an emotional horse race, a grand anthropological experiment that sets up the same rigidly controlled environment with the same consistent factors (whirlwind group travel, helicopter dates, tea lights) season after season, with dramatically different results each time. The unique experience of watching two people meet and consider an intimate relationship provokes an initial judgement based on our own experiences, and each episode shocks or affirms us in how it fulfills our understanding of relationship dynamics. The Bachelor is both the most accurate illustration of the myriad intricacies and insecurities in contemporary dating and an elegant machine that effectively smashes the truisms and stereotypes on which our snap judgements are based. It's also the work of the most pitiless editors in the business, who miss no opportunity to skewer the ex prom queens and lovelorn hunks at their mercy.
This season's Bachelor, Ben, inherited his role as the keyholder of the ABC harem from a long line of second-best Bachelor/ette contenders. With Darwinian certainty, this tradition of casting the Bachelor from the losers of the previous season has left us with increasingly uncharismatic and awkward protaganists. Ben F., with his painful asides and perennially adolescent attire, looks like he should be treating bystanders to an impromptu bongo solo in the middle of a college quad, not wooing a wife. His turn in 2011's The Bachelorette gained him widespread sympathy and a date with Jennifer Love Hewitt, and I suspect this season is less an honest search for a partner and more a final shake of ABC's free-sh*t tree.
Not only do I suspect Ben of being on the show for the wrong reasons, but it's harder than ever to look past the show's built-in gender inequity, and in no episode is this dynamic more uncomfortable to watch than the traditional "send-in-the-clowns" Inaugural Ball of Awkward, which quickly devolves into a de facto beauty contest. A tanned stream of women stride forward to throw their best line and taped cleavage at the eponymous Bachelor, made all the more indistinguishable this season because Ben F. apparently checked the "Keep 'Em White " box on his official Contender Criteria form.
Ultimately, though, the smarm and my feminist alarm bells cannot snuff out the inherent joy of the series: the unique opportunity to have your best understanding of human nature put to the test. And the promise of a final episode that always, always skitters out past the typical reality show schadenfreude into a realm of intense honesty, disappointment, and joy, hovering over the sublime like Wile E. Coyote standing for a moment above the abyss after running off a cliff. To that end, I'm going to put my snap judgements out there, and ask that you do the same. Ben cast the future tabloid celebrities of 2012 last night; what do we think of them?
JENNIFER ANISTON LOOKALIKE #1
A "relationship blogger" who locked herself in a bathroom and sobbed a string of neurotic self-deprecations on-mic after working herself into a fit over a fellow contestant. NO WAY this hot mess is getting past the next two episodes.
BEAUTIFUL BLONDE BULLY
This one admitted with she didn't feel anything for Ben yet, a pretty sane declaration just 45 minutes after meeting a stranger. Then she told a fellow contestant she had met about 40 minutes previously that she knew they would "stay in each other's lives forever." Whether this betokens a future lesbian love triangle or too much Paris Amour remains to be seen.
DAYS OF OUR LIVES LEGEND HOPE WILLIAMS BRADY
It's just nice to see Hope taking some time for herself, getting away from the Salem police department for a while and trying out some splashy new earrings.
GRAN'DODDER
Smartly balancing a doddering grandmother with a Marilyn Monroe-style nude gown, her greatest challenge may be getting Ben to simultaneously make eye contact with both of her eyes at once.
RACHEL ROSE
No pressure, but Rachel Rose gave up her job of five years in NYC to be here. HAHAHA NO PRESSURE!!!
THE SHOWGIRL
She's just trying to put herself through law school, okay?
WORLD'S YOUNGEST DIVORCEE
"I've been through some things, in relationships, et cetera." I like a woman who can throw a thick veil over her past.
JENNIFER ANISTON LOOKALIKE #2
Despite riding in on a horse, she seems like the sanest one in the bunch.
THE MODEL
She works hard, guys.
GANGSTA RAP MED STUDENT
Another sad attempt by a contestant to launch a rap career on this show. She looks like she just left a foam party, yet also seems pretty smart. Keep her around, Benny!
MISS PACIFIC PALISADES
Hey, if you're enough of a lady-Macgyver to style your hair under a public bathroom hand dryer, then you deserve a rose.
JAMIE
Honestly seems like a sweetheart.
ELYSE
Elyse looks like she headed up her girl's rugby team in high school and got called off the field a few times by the coach for "being too into it."
KICKBALL SHAWN
I like a girl with the moxie to start a game on a slick, power-hosed cobblestone driveway.
JACLYN
Every once in a while someone gets called out of the crowd at a rose ceremony and you're like, "You're on this show?" Jaclyn is this episode's version of that.
RUSSIAN MAIL ORDER BRIDE?
This show-stopper didn't say much, and what she did say had a slight deaf accent. Mysterious!
SCARLETT O'HARA
She is giving out the side-eye like candy with hair straight out of a Selznick picture. What's not to like!
DATA
All we know for sure right now is that she knows how to dress red hair and can memorize numbers, so she's already ahead of the game.
Questions:
... What were your snap judgements of the contestants?
... Who do you think will make it to the final three?
... Is Ben just going through the motions, and if so, to what end?
Does anyone else think that Jenna looks like Trista (aka the one of the few that got married and had a kid?)
Yeah, very much! Except Jenna's face is like a rippling ocean of neurotic facial ticks.
Awesome recap, Lily! Ben could not be more of a snooze. He might even be worse than all these girls. Which is saying a lot. I usually don't watch the Bachelor but will keep it up as long as the blogger remains on the show. Nice plant, ABC! Totally worked.
Yeah ABC good job seeding the cast with crazy!! I agree that Ben is no prize. Especially once his access to helicopters runs out.
Sorry, Ben Bailey is more my style [7pm on NBC ] Who's Still Standing game show. Sexual Vanilla? LOL is that Kelly from RAW?
my co-worker's aunt makes $86 every hour on the internet. She has been laid off for 7 months but last month her check was $8902 just working on the internet for a few hours. Read more on this site...http://shorl.com/husefrosetifa
Thanks Mariwells !! Just forwarded to my bestest friend Chris Harrison. Hopefully, he'll take the hint(and the job).
HAHAHA you guys are killing me.
Wait, WHAT?!?!?! 86 DOLLARS AN HOUR ON THE INTERNET?!?! WE ARE SITTING ON A GOLDMINE PEOPLE!!! This is even better than that time I randomly won an ipad!!!
Sparks if you posted before this and i happened to miss it i apologize. You're freaking hilarious. Somebody should tell the ABC execs it really doesn't have to be this complicated to find a mate. I always tell people to go get drunk and touch one another. Problem solved.
Solid advice!!! :)
Ohhh man I feel like this might have been the most awkward premier of a Bachelor or Bachelorette yet. That "send in the clowns" parade had me covering my face with my hands while also trying to cover my ears so I couldn't hear how much they were embarrassing themselves!! It was impossible of course so I just sat there trying to look away and probably ended up looking pretty awkward myself.
But of course I'll continue to tune in because the scenes for the season look extra juicy.
My boss has had a theory since the beginning of the series that I have always disagreed with up until this episode... maybe. She thinks that the Bachelor(ette)s are urged to keep certain controversial contestants on the show, whether they are attracted to them or not, for the sake of ratings. When Ben gave a rose to "Beautiful Blonde Bully" I wasn't shocked. But when he then gave one to that complete hot mess of a blogger who spent the tail end of the night in the bathroom, that's when I started to wonder. Come on. Even if he wasn't aware she was in the john crying all night, he did see first hand what an emotional freak she was when he spoke to her directly (more awkward). And is it any coincidence that he picked the two new mortal enemies back to back? Hm I think not.moreless
I have to agree, I think the producers at the very least suggest and more probably pick out three or four contestants and keep them there for their value as B plots. If you'll remember Jake's seaons (wings of love), he was emphatic that he would only keep the women he was seriously interested in around (something I don't think he would have to vocalize if there wasn't an encouragement behind the scenes to include dramatic personality types in the harem)
Jenna Burke is going to be a pretty fascinating side character, but I wouldn't be surprised if Ben drops her as soon as the airfare starts getting expensive.
Agreed!! I was watching Ben like a hawk looking for the earbud. Sure seems the "dramatic pause" was more about waiting for someone to give him a name than running ennie meanie in his head.
Well, it's all about the WINE, er, uh, WHINE!! Actually, both. Nothing sells without publicity, and what better than 25 eligible women to help sell it?? This year's vintage? Sour grapes!!
A blogger on relationships WHINING??? Of course, what better way to encourage your readers to stay tuned, there's mooooore!!! WHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
I really thought the blonde terminator was going to give us the first booty call on episode 1 !!
...and could someone, anyone, please trip Chris(I'm so going to get a REAL paycheck this year!!) Harrison from the top of the stairs!!??
The Final Three ?? Advertising, Marketing, and hhhhmmmmm oh yeah the Jewelerr!! All three walk away with a smile, a renewed sense of accomplishment, and a knowing feeling that they picked the right partner!!!
that blonde bully was cracking me up. Either she'd never had alcohol before in her life or she's just he kind of lady who beats people up in high school. High five on the final three, lol. Every time I see Chris Harrison's doughy, complacent smile, I just hear like his silent scream in my head of "is this my life? IS THIS MY LIFE???"
HaHa So true!! I'd rather a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy!!