The Bachelor: Pretty Girls, Puffy Faces

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The Bachelor S16E09: "Week 9"

Straight talk:

I know that this review SHOULD be dedicated to how much sex and in what positions went on in the "fantasy suites," as well as question how Chris Harrison hasn't yet been arrested for pimpery, but first things first: I want to know what happened to Kacie's face. Because she left a shiny young girl (albeit miffed) and came back a puffy, piggy-eyed mess. I don't know if she's been mainlining Jagermeister, screaming all night at the hard heavens, or merely sobbing at high altitudes, but I NEED to know, because what happened to her is the opposite of plastic surgery and misery hath never writ itself so large on human ligaments.

Kacie is so young. She is so young and so sincere. She is maybe the first—maybe the only—person ever to fall in love in this whole gangdarn franchise, and it hurts. Just watching her tentative pause before she knocked on Ben's door hurt. I don't think this was a bid to be the next Bachelorette, either, I think she honestly was scared to see Ben outside of her cough-syrup-induced dreams. I understand, Kacie. We have all been 24 years old, Kacie. It gets better, Kacie.

Ben looked honestly kind of scared to see someone so emotionally unsettled that soon after voting her off. Girl was raw. If he had nodded toward the bedroom, that would have been fantasy suite enough for Kacie. And frankly, telling her it was all about her parents is more or less going to do more damage than if he said he had fallen in love with someone else. I honestly think the next three Thanksgivings at her house are going to be as cold and alienating as eating turkey in a wind tunnel. Damn it, conservative parents, you ruined her dream of having a whirlwind six months in San Francisco and total tabloid notoriety! Instead Kacie has to wait it out until she finds someone who thinks she's worth squaring off against the slightest opposition from her parents! This is a the greatest tragedy since Romeo and Juliet!

Girl was hurting. But she still threw Courney under the g-d bus. That was a straight cold gangster move, and I think it was entirely based on Kacie hoping that Ben would see the light in that very moment and propose. Kacie and Courtney were the only real contenders on the show, so I think her swipe at Courtney wasn’t about protecting Ben’s happiness, it was about keeping him single. But frankly it's none of her beeze. And her “evidence” against Courtney wasn’t all that damning. Courtney said that "there are other fish in the sea" to a roomful of girls about to get voted off the show. That wasn't a betrayal of Ben—it was a statement of fact. Period.

In other news, Lindzi and Courtney are going head-to-head in the world's cutest country. Lindzi, just enjoy the next few days. Get some waterproof mascara for your exit interview, but more importantly see the sights. Courtney: Are you sure you can go through with this? You seem pretty intent on convincing us all that this is the first and only love your poor heart has ever known. My US Weekly magazines tell me differently, but I know the articles are written by Chinese monkeys duct-taped to HP tablets, so whatever. Courtney, I wish I could believe in your love for Ben. You talk about it in a fairly convincing way. But every time the camera cuts away from your fabled eyebrows and stunning cheekbones, I see Ben's furrowed cave brow and I just start chuckling. Tens don't fall in love with fives, zokay?

Also, how weird is it that Ben needed to hear her apologize for something he didn’t even necessarily know happened? Emily was catty and bullying to Courtney, and Courtney is kind of an introvert who wasn't sure how to handle it. If she was glad to see Emily go, or if she got a little defensive, that was her choice. Ben didn’t need to chastise her for her alleged behavior, she’s a grown woman.

Lindzi, with her flesh-colored lips and her voice like the soul of a cigarette, was a lot more "vulnerable" and "open" with Ben. I mean hell, if I knew I was going to eff the guy in T minus 8 hours I'd probably loosen up, too. Let's learn each other’s favorite foods or something before we head to the bone zone on-camera. Don't get me wrong, genital test drives are important, but three in three days on national TV? Skeevy, right? Major skeeving. You always hear, "Oh no, it's their chance to talk for the night with the cameras off." But the combination of hot tubs and Jillian Harris's moment with what's his face having erectile dysfunction—it's a horizontal date, is what I'm saying. And that's fine! These are all consenting adults here! No judgement! Just... kind of makes the rose ceremony that much more awkward.

Also awkward, these gals in 3-D glasses. WHUP!

We knew it was a Titanic cross promotion from the promos. James Cameron, how much more money do you NEED? Even more ridiculous was Ali and Ashley trying to give Emily Maynard advice on being the Bachelorette. It's like a bunch of ham sandwiches telling you how to not get eaten. I don't know what I'm saying except that Ashley had the cruelest season of The Bachelorette of all time and Ali recently broke up with Roberto, so what the hell do they have to talk about? I'm surprised ABC let Emily be in a room with those two, with the kind of scared-straight horror stories they could tell.

"Oh one time all the guys roasted me for being small-chested!" "Sometimes you get engaged to a guy and then it all falls to pieces!" "Sometimes you end up with a bald man with a cat face but it's all good!" However, I would actually pay to hear Emily's advice. Her momming advice, her portfolio management advice, her platinum hair-having advice. Emily: I want to know the science of your beauty.

Let’s say a fond farewell to Nicki. She’s better off single and mingling than getting hauled back to the eternal emotional winter of Ben’s icy family and their two hometowns. At least she got some kick-ass fondue and she can take comfort in the idea of the many Bachelor/Bachelorette bar nights she will now be invited to. She just wants a relationship, and she’ll find one. Love you Nicki! You wore this process gracefully.

We are two weeks away from Courtney getting proposed to, and next week is the always-fascinating "Women Tell All" episode. It's been a long, shaggy-haired ride, but at least our heroines got to eat some great fondue. Any last arguments for Lindzi?


– Did that Titanic commercial in the middle of the Bachelor make you laugh out loud?

– What topic on this planet is Ali in a position to give advice on?

– Do you think Courtney’s apology was necessary? Why did Ben demand that she take accountability for something he didn’t even see happen?

– Are you excited for what Emily is going to be serving up during the "Women Tell All" episode? (Like maybe a heartbreak-themed rap?)

– Seriously, any million-to-one bets on Lindzi for the win?

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