The Bachelorette: 19 Guys for a Perfect 10

The Bachelorette S08E01: "Week 1"

Truly, there has never been a Bachelorette more worthy or more worth the experience of participating in this often soul-wrenching process than Emily Maynard. Your own eyeballs will tell you she's beautiful, but in addition to that she's got a warmth and a genuine kindness that her fellow contestants from Brad Womack's season of The Bachelor remarked on repeatedly. ABC has paid tribute to her super-desirable status by bending over backwards to get her on the show, moving their whole Pier One Important Glamour Team to hussy up a house in North Carolina as her Bachelorette HQ and shell out for airfare so she can bring her daughter Ricki with her once they start caravaning the hunks around the world (a privilege NOT afforded to Jason Mesnick, the single dad of The Bachelorette Season 4 and The Bachelor Season 13).

Plus, there's never been a more interesting time to watch Chris Harrison glide through the proceedings. If he seems a little off his game and a little irritated behind his smiling-koala-bear mask, keep in mind that less than two weeks ago he announced that he was separating from his wife (and former high school sweetheart). I've got my eye on him looking for signs of: A) sardonic hatred for this whole process, and B) a big ol' crush on Emily.

You could feel the effect Emily had on the guys. The adrenaline and the nerves were intense. The guys hunkered down around the fire pit seemed genuinely competitive with each other and gave off almost audible vibrations, like a sea of pitch forks, when Emily drew near with the First Impression Rose. I was surprised that so few guys seemed anywhere near as cute as Emily (sorry, that was my first impression, Rose) I wondered if she had an unbearable urge to escape to the bathroom and text Brad Womack "Miss you bb" after the last limousine full of vaguely regular-shaped men traipsed down the Charlotte Mansion's hall.

Still, it's a long way to go from the first five-hour-long open bar to the last helicopter ride to the Proposing Summit, and Desert Island Syndrome will surely kick in and make us care deeply about at least three of these dudes.

Doug (First Impression Rose)

Kind of think he dictated that letter from his 12-year-old to Emily, and DO NOT tell me he didn't read it before handing it over.


When I first saw this guy I thought Chris Harrison was trying to sneak into the Charlotte Manor on stilts. Possibly a cousin of Chris Harrison? If I were a single dude related to the Harrz I would pull every favor trying to get in on this season.


This guy's hair puzzles and challenges me. It's practically an avant garde sculpture. Aside from that he seems awesome and I'm going to guess he'll easily make it through the next couple weeks.

Kaylen? Kaleyn? Whatever.

Pardon me, but what is this guy's deal? I appreciate choppin' in as a Fifty Shades of Grey reference if nothing else, but I'm not sure if this guy really wants to get married or just take someone home and cut them up with incredibly expensive knives.


Hi there, Final Two! This guy seemed actually pretty intelligent and cool, although his haircut defies my vocabulary to describe. " Bird of Paradise Cesar Cap"? Is that how you ask for it at the barbershop?


I love Austin, and I love how Claire Danes used to nervously tuck her hair behind her ear on My So-Called Life, ergo I love this guy.


It's hard not to root for a guy who suffered brain damage yet kept his sense of humor intact.


Anthony Michael Hall as a skateboarding CEO with the same hipster haircut my man has? He's kind of my favorite so far (SLC punk + altruistic businessman?!) although throwing your skateboard into the bushes with one adrenaline-packed gesture is LITTERING.


Here you are, Nate, here you are. I got nothing to say about this one. He looks good at business, but maybe that's just the tie.


He's the exact guy we all had kind of a crush on in high school. And I bet it works well for him.


This guy is like Matthew McConaughey: scary and coked up. I'm just kidding about the coke! This "Energy Fields" director looks like he spends a lot of time holding onto a Tesla coil and screaming with a smile plastered on his face.


Kyle makes me think, "A Lannister always pays his debts!" There's something Peter Dinkelage-y about him, yet he has none of the raw charisma of Dinkelage. P.D. would RULE the HOUSE on a season of the Bachelorette.


Thought the glasses were a good look. Make your eyes bad so you need them, dude.


This guy looks 19. And what's sexier than a possibly underage foxy dude speaking two languages perfectly?

Alessandro the Viking

I'm not saying that this guy is a viking god come to earth to fight for Emily's hand...but if he were, wouldn't he probably pose as a grain merchant?! That is such a viking career.

John, "The Wolf"

I don't approve of self-imposed nicknames and neither does Emily. It made me laugh that she kept calling him John. I could hear his inner monologue screaming "It's THE WOLF!!"


THIS GUY! He is like Duckie from Pretty in Pink if Duckie grew up to be DISGUSTING. Just gross. The producers no-doubt insisted Emily bring him along for conflict with the Helicopter Guy, but personally I can't wait 'til he packs up his facial hair and boombox and dances his way back to whatever depressing nightclub he presides over.


The Glass Slipper screams "foot fetishist" but I was won over by the footage of him with his little boy. And I like that he didn't lead with being a dad and exploit his kid to worm his way into Emily's heart, AHEM AHEM DOUG.


Ugh. I think I have that shirt, guy. And I hope you washed the ostrich ass off that egg.

My head is spinning, but as always I'm just so grateful this process is starting anew. And I honestly think Emily is one of the most exciting protagonists this franchise has ever had, male or female. How about you?


1. What do you think of these hottays?

2. Did Emily pick the right guys for her first go-round?

3. Does Chris Harrison seem haunted by regret and kind of handsy with Emily?

4. Was Lerone a token bachelor meant to address recent accusations that the Bachelor/ette franchise is racist?

5. Who are your first-impression picks for the Final Three?

Comments (13)
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1). I liked Arie because he seemed genuine and he freaking hot. I also really like Mike. He seems really down to earth and like he's not trying to hard. Jef does has that Michael C. Hall vibe to him. Its adorable. 2. Ehh it was okay. 3). Probably, but the thought of them together creeps me out. He's probably old enough to be her father. 4.) Yes, duh. 5.) Arie, Jef, and Chris.
I think Doug looks alot like Brad Womack. :( He seems geniune so far. I loved your description of Jef, LOL~! yes he looks just like AMH. I like Charlie's Bulldog does that count. I also loved Leron and his Chihuahua, um I forgot the name of the other guy who also has a beautiful dog. I do like Arie and thought he was extremely geniunely concerned about his profession and her loss. My three picks, Arie, Jef, Chris.
GJ Lily!

1. They all are good looking guys, and thank god for Emily and her "No Bros" policy, hehehe, it already seems like nearly all of them (lookin' @ u dancing guy with ugly shirt) have potential, most of them look and sound like they have some brains up there, although, is pretty early, we'll revisit in episode 4 :D

2. Possibly, from a striclty physical point of view and hear them talk for 2 mins each, I think she was "almost" right, chopper lover and chopperlover-hater with ugly shirt made me cringe; both of them are huge NO NO'es in my list.

3. I don't really care about the guy, I watch on demand, so I always fast forward when he's in the picture; actually, I only found out what his name was, last season, during the recaps :D

4. Fail...

5. I also fell in love with Arie, he is cute, he is sexy, he is smart, he LOOKS smart and he was IMO the best dressed of the night. Yes, I think the way ppl dresses speaks a lot about personalities, hence my annoyance with ungly bright green shirt guy; I already know how he rolls, class clown, party boy, attention seeker than inmediatelty hates someone else when they take the spot light *cough chopper guy cough*.

Not sure about the rest yet, my eyeballs where dancing around the screen looking for Arie the whole time, lol.. but maybe, High School crush guy, if he turns out to have an amazing personality to go with the looks; and funnily enough I also like "the wolf", I can't believe I just typed that, lol... but I have to admit, the guy is hot.

Anyways, good start, now let's watch them rip each other apart for Emily and enjoy the ride.
Okay why is it that after 10000 seasons, there are no Blacks, Hispanics or Asians in this show?

Why in the world is no one asking this?

Could it be that deep down we are all racist in some way?
Seriously? Why is no one asking this? EVERYONE has asked this. Lily literally JUST addressed the issue in the final paragraph of the recap. The shows were being sued over it, for Chrissakes. This is not a new issue.
" And I hope you washed the ostrich ass off that egg " TY Lily!! I won't be able to look at this guy without wondering how long it's been since he washed his hands! Think I'll make him my "shot boy" 1 shot every time his hand touches his face.

1)Doug....gets my vote for the Bad Daddy of the year. You nailed him on it, Emily rosed him for it ??

2)Ehh, we'll see. Still say this girl deserves more therapy rather then C.H. buzzing in her ear.

3) same empty shell, haunted?? Hey, you sign a deal with the devil, expect to pay the price.

4) if it was.....EPIC FAIL !!

5)premature. I barely got the horses # and the jockey's weight!!

Travis will be going home with egg on his face.

Doug will get bounced when Emily's lightbulb comes on after rereading the son's note.

The wolf will get neutered early.

Prince Charming will get caught wearing the glass slippers.

Ryan gone after wearing the toga and gold-gilded olive branch of ALL ceasars

The rest Mehhh also ran...

Great review as always Lily. TY

...why do people watch these shows. are they vicariously living through these characters?
Noooo no no no. For me it's kind of like a horse race. You pit your ability to sum up someone psychologically against a sea of x factors and try to predict the outcome by guessing who will attract the Bachelor/Bachelorette and which types of relationships will buckle under the pressure. Yes, there's a lot of schadenfreude involved but its still the most weirdly authentic reality show going, in my opinion.
curious...I always thought the most authentic reality show was Cops :-P. Is the Bachelor or Bachelorette a better show in your opinion? And do guys watch shows like this?
They make my man crack up like crazy, he views them like they're Tim and Eric or something, intentional comedy, which is a good way into it for a guy. Cops is pretty authentic, GRANTED. I like the Bachelor better because I think women are more competitive than men romantically...but Emily Maynard trumps that preference, bigtime :).
Best puppet show on TV!! You can't even see the strings on Chris Harrison!! Great job Henson Co.!!
puppet show, exacts. If Harrison doesn't undergo bachelor process next season it will be ABC's biggest missed opportunity at life-changing satire
Thanks for your recap (amazing job! Keep it up!), it finally motivated me to watch the first episode of the Bachelorette I've ever seen and I don't regret it. I've watched the Bachelor before (sadly), but Emily's soooo much better! She's amazing! She's the kinda woman all the girls want as their best friends, all the guys want as their wives, all the kids want as their mom... I could go on like this forever. I love her.

1. I definitely think there are some good ones there. It's just that Emily's soooo incredible and I'm not sure if any of the guys can live up to what she deserves.

2. Well she didn't kick anyone out that I would have liked to see more off, so I guess she's done a good job. But one thing really bugged me... that Kalen guy? Superficial, shallow, arrogant, self-absorbed, cocky, I could go on like this forever. I'm kinda getting the feeling he might stay a couple more week just so he can stir up some drama?

3. Ehhhh I kinda got the vibe when the camera was focused on him all the freaking time during the rose ceremony.

Emily takes a rose... shot to Lerone... Emily says a name... shot to the guy who got it <--- repeat about 20 times

5. It's not so much that I think these guys will win, but I really liked Arie (I think he was really considerate about the race car thing), Jef (such a hipster, but c'mon he's totally cute! Just thinking that he might not be at the point in his life where he wants to be a dad yet) and Ryan (he trains little kids and seems genuinely nice! How great is that?!)

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