The Bachelorette: Best. Episode. Ever.

The Bachelorette S08E07: "Week 7"

Wasn't this the best episode of The Bachelorette ever? Seriously, this was my favorite episode ever. SO MANY WOW MOMENTS. Emily arguing with one of the producers who'd dated her front-running man? And getting a little passive-aggressive with "I'm glad you told me and all but if somebody said from day one, 'Hey, we know each other!' ... I would have just been like, 'Oh he's a great kisser, you missed out!'" (LOL)

I do love the image of Emily hanging out with Cassie and going for martinis and stopping by production offices to favorite headshots during the application process. And what are the odds that Cassie DIDN'T ask Arie to apply? I am pretty convinced she played matchmaker on this one. ("I used to date a guy who's into racing. Wow he'd be perfect for Emily. Do I still have his number in my phone?" etc.) Also, there has to be some statute of limitations on having to mention you dated a guy? Although if this producer has been Emily's point person throughout the season, maybe the idea she's been standing there directing cameramen during Emily and Arie's slow-motion make-out sessions is what is weirding Emily out (it would weird the hell out of me).

With the legions of himboes involved in this now decades-old franchise, you'd think it would be impossible for the production staff to not at some point get all six-degrees-of-separation-ed with at least one of the contestants. And as we saw with Rozlyn Papa's rumored tryst with a producer, the producers and contestants spend a LOT of time together. (Rozlyn described the producer coming to her house to film her introduction video, a segment maybe thirty seconds long, and staying for several days.)

All I know is that when we need Chris Harrison to step out from behind a fountain and explain what the hell just happened twice in one episode, things are falling to pieces behind the scenes. In the best way! The "very honest" conversation that seemed to smooth everything over like hot butter was not captured on camera. (Cassie pulled HELLA RANK on that one!) Emily was possibly MORE into Arie at the end of their date on the dinner-boat after this super-secret conversation, and I know EXACTLY how that ish went down. PLEASE leave your fan-fiction version in comments. Here is mine:

So that was the first great moment of the episode. The second and arguably JUST-as-great moment, which still gives me chills when I think about it, was Shaun jogging through the streets of old-town Prague to find Emily.

When I watch this show, the LAST thing I expect to feel is romance. Schadenfreude, intrigue, shrewd snap judgements...these be my companions when I sit down for The Bachelorette. And even though I still think Shaun is legit cult-leader crazy, something about him running through the streets screaming Emily's name and finding her and then crushing her in his big, blonde hands like a romance novel cover: INTENSE. Seriously romantic.

Seriously would love to re-enact that moment with my own beau. Emily did seem kind of overwhelmed by the gesture. Their impromptu date of just getting beers and making out in an alley was authentic and very romantic. It felt cinematic in a way all the show's helicopters, puppet shows, and extreme sports never actually have.

The third cool moment was Jef saying "I want to marry the f-ck out of you." in the Beauty and the Beast library.

Hilarious. Between Emily's fringed booties and their super-whimsical puppet show, I get the sense Emily is trying to be the Manic Pixie Dream Girl a hipster guy would yearn to attain. Like, how Garden State is acting out the first time you met (three weeks ago) with intricately carved puppets? It was a little weird (was I the only one expecting the puppets to start sensuously humping each other like Team America?) but then they crumpled up on the floor together like a pair of teens and Jef pulled ahead in my heart. (Sorry Cassie! But Emily is so GIDDY around Jef. It's adorbs.)

This season has these moments of intensity and romance because I think the guys are honestly smitten with Emily, which raises the stakes all around. It cuts both ways, though, as Chris's near nervous-breakdown proved. This poor hunk was fretting and pinching pillows and sulking on window seats and being super antagonistic on the group date. LOSING HIS COOL. We haven't seen the guys mentally dissolve like this before because I'd argue we haven't seen them so engaged so early, because this:

Like, the hotness. This process can barely handle people actually being invested in it. As a mode for establishing human courtship, it's a hateful crucible. Genuinely competing for a single gorgeous lady is kind of the worst possible situation for the guys involved when it's real. Feel for you, Chris.

I do NOT feel for John Wolf, who just ragged on his ex super-bitterly. Yeesh, what an angry beeyotch. That he went back to the guys and described the date as a 10 out of 10 is either him trying to psych them out or he's seriously delusional. What's the plan for the next date, you read aloud from your diary about your parents fighting? Self-pity is NOT attractive. Opening up does not necessarily mean confessing you "called up the prisons" when your girlfriend stepped out on you "a week after our year anniversary." What a man-spinster. And who was he dating that when she went missing for a couple hours he called the PRISONS!?!?! LOL.

Doug got cut loose at the castle date, and he almost made it out of there with his dignity fully intact, but then he went in for an all-or-nothing kiss and came back with nothing. You could see his manful heart peeing its pants in shame after that moment. It's okay, Doug. We would never judge a man for trying his hardest, and that's all that inappropriate, awkward kiss was. A last-ditch attempt at chemistry. "Only God can make a tree" and the same is true of that certain sparkle between partners. Don't bite a spoon in half on the way home.

Hometown dates are next week, and frankly I could NOT be more excited with the contestants Emily has parsed out. I've been Arie FTW since the season began but Jef has grown on me. Yes, he talks like Galgamatron, Intergalactic Explorer who is New to Emotions, but he's VERY good at manipulating puppets and he brings out a side of Emily the other guys don't. Also, Shaun, you are crazy but sometimes crazy spills into crazy romantic and you definitely crossed the line into Dreamboat territory this week. Choices, choices, Emily!! Better have another margarita hour with Cassie and get the down-low.


… The Cassie-Arie-Emily conversation: What is your version of what went down?

… Cassie and Arie: What are your theories on how that relationship went?

… Would you be angry if a co-worker didn't tell you the new guy you were dating had briefly dated her?

… Shaun: Did he win you over with his desperate run through the streets?

… Jef: Mormon or not Mormon? Kind of sounds like his parents are on a mission to S. Carolina, he's waaay into starting a family, yet he drinks and swears. I still say Mormon. YOU?

… Whose hometown date are you looking forward to most?

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