The Bachelorette: Chris Harrison Announces the Search for the Next Bentley

Hello, Chris Harrison here. You may know me as the forthright host of The Bachelorette. Or you may know me from my stunning floor routines at my All-Nite Roller Rink.

I hope I’ve made it absolutely clear that Bentley was a villain, a cad and one of the sweetest ratings boosts The Bachelorette has enjoyed in these last ten seasons. When he left last week, Ashley was devastated, but not nearly as devastated as I was. Watching him go was like opening a suitcase of money into a high wind. Ashley was not the only one who spent that dark night scream-sobbing into a satin duvet.

And so I knew going into this week's episode that our goal would be to find a Replacement Bentley, a fill-in villain who would congratulate himself for manipulating and hurting Ashley. And in my own experience, nothing will bring a man down to his most unforgiving nature faster than the heavy heat of Thailand.

Ashley’s choice for her first overseas date was a moist-looking lad by the name of Constantine. He suggested they tour the local village, and I had high hopes that he intended to steal her jewelry to buy a lady-boy or cast lots in a game of chance just like Bentley would, but he stayed by her side, listening patiently to her shrill female patter. He dared my contempt further by bragging about the open attitude he’s adopted since his last relationship, which has allowed him to love his family deeper than he’s loved them before, and allowed me to nap deeper than I’ve ever napped in the bushes off-camera while listening to the feed of pure BORING that was streaming through their microphone packs.

Ashley put her gigolos to work renovating an orphanage on the group date, despite my behind-the-scenes protests. Warm-hearted quality time with orphans is going to put butts in seats, not matter how badly ABC needs to show it is a force for good.

Luckily, there’s this guy:

His tone of unctuous insincerity was sweet, sweet like tender slices of honeydew being rubbed against my ear. Could he be my future Bentley? Thick William had been my frontrunner, but he seems to be hiding from Ashley at the moment, probably in shame.

A Bentley knows not shame. And then of course, Ashley has been pressing lips to this:

His pink cheeks in confessional and earnest affection are useless to me.

This works only if he admidts that he wanted to drag her by her hair.

At least Ashley’s date with Ames was quite intriguing.

Why would a man who can afford to go to Thailand twice apply for this show? He’s been to 70 countries, is probably wealthy, speaks with charm and correct grammar. What has brought him to my Circus of the Damned? Is he spy? An adventurer? Could he be a usurper? Does he mean to unseat me and rule in my place?!

In our weekly deliberation, I drove the long acupuncture needles of memory straight into Ashley’s heart, repeatedly bringing up Bentley. At the mere mention of his name I could feel the ratings surge. Ashley assured me she was moving forward.

Just when I was ready to confer “New Bentley” status on Ryan, he dropped his tightly-clutched mask of sanity at the cocktail party. After a contestant called his non-stop manic cheerfulness “disingenuous,” he started to unravel.

I’ve seen this kind of breakdown happen to my comrades in the foxholes of my annual Paintball Royale, usually after three or four days of continuous vigilance and action. Such a mental fugue is called “Sh*tting Your Pants With Your Mouth,” and the only remedy involves stuffing the victim’s mouth with ice and then slapping him square across the face. Bentley may have been a sociopath, but he took a keen pleasure in hiding it.

So, as I explained to the producers in our Thai war room meeting session, we now have four obvious frontrunners, but no clear Replacement Bentley, according to the readings of my proprietary Bentley Meter:

Our objective is clear: We must invoke or involve Bentley in each episode, while grooming one of these four men into a lying piece of human garbage to take his place. And, of course, find true love for whastherface.


... Who do you think is the most Bentley-esque?

... Who is on the show for "the right reasons"?

... Are there right reasons to be on this show?

…. Who will make it to the final four?

Comments (7)
Sort: Latest | Popular
The really sad part Lily.....reading the responses from fans!! More interest in the fallout than the cause. More interest in the model than the sculpture!! Over the years this show has accepted more quantity than quality from both sides in the search. I do believe in this premise....however, I also feel that those in production power have reduced it to candidates they KNOWINGLY throw in for conflict and deception.
@chas031: you are completely correct- Harrison is dropping so far, so fast in my opinion I can almost hear the cartoon high-pitched whistle sound effect. @Evening_Haze, this show has an incredible premise & it amazing production value, but the tabloid attention around its contestants have changed its tone completely. This is why scripted tv characters are so beloved, because writers can control them and give us the emotional justice so lacking in real life. For anyone interested in the disintegration of conventional mores in post-modern television, the Bachelorette is must-see TV.
I'm pretty sure Ryan is secretly gay
Eh, who cares about this show? None of it's real and no one actually ends up together once they're thrown back out into the real world. And you gotta wonder about the desperation of people who actually SIGN UP for this stupid show. As was also said in something I read, the Biggest Loser has a better track record for people who get together (and stay together) than this show!
Death to all reality TV! Give us drama, suspense, intrigue, comedy, action, romance or all of the above. Give us intelligent TV.
Most Bentley-esque?? Mmmm, how about the guy who looks at Ashley with a straight face, and a crooked smile(sneer?) and asks if she's "dot dot dot " over him?? You know, the guy who tenderly hugs hers, assures her, and smiling tells her there are no rules. The same guy who KNOWS that Bentley is back and has ALREADY checked into the hotel!! Bentley at least told us his main concern was his hair!! That's certainly the guy I want to trust with my investments!!! The right reasons??? By the end of this fiasco, Ashley will be carrying more baggage than ALL of the men combined!! The only commitment at the end of this show will be therapy!! Oh, and maybe an ETHICS course for Harrison. Obviously, he slept through it the first time!!
Right now the one thing I'd like to know most is what Bentley is going to tell Ashley when he returns. Did they get him back so *he'd* admit to being a jerk? I still don't get why they'd risk shutting down production because their Bachelorette was still hung up on a guy they could have made her fall out of 'love' with in the blink of an eye just by showing her one of his confessionals...

Like on Facebook