The Bachelorette: Hometowns Ho!

The Bachelorette S08E08: "Week 8"

Oh guys. OOOOOOHHHHH guys. This process is getting waaaay too intense. And whoever was working the gold bounce this week needed to CHILL. Like, when people get filmed in shade, they pull out a big shiny circle and one side is silver, one side is gold, and you use it like a mirror to splash light on a subject, like so:

Except damn, someone was WORKING that bounce in all the confessionals. Like Emily and her new besties were TEARING UP in a golden haze. It was like watching someone share their deepest thoughts on family and love from inside a sunbed or something. Look at this!

Anyway, much like the lighting effect, the hometown dates were almost uncomfortably intense. Meeting all these innocent moms and dads and sisters and whatnots is okay when the Bachelorette/her man harem are both on the fence about each other, but now that all four guys are CLEARLY infatuated with Emily, it was actually a little sad and painful. Three of these families will watch their once-glowing son devolve into wearing sweatpants, playing video games, or even worse, appearing on Bachelor Pad in a brutal attempt to drown his sorrows in cheap sexual miscreance. Up first, Poor Chris!

When Chris first walked us inside, I was like, "What an interesting insight into the American immigrant experience that this family has seen fit to frame wallpaper" and then realized that no, ABC just had to cover up the mirrors so the hefty, bored camera guys wouldn't show up in frame. Or like, a VERY explicit painting of a nude.

Otherwise this stop was an insightful window into all things Polish! (Like me!) Getting our drink on:

Looking fetch in lace and red while dancing:

And then getting drunk and dancing some more while looking fetch. Seriously Polish people are the world's most intense partiers. I don't know if you've ever been to a Polish wedding but it's like a fraternity hazing plus a sorority hazing plus 28 bottles of vodka. Also, Chris's sister looks a LOT like Emily,except kind of dusted? Angel dusted.

Then Jef and Emily spent some time doing some of the Manson Family's favorite activities: riding around in a dune buggy and practicing with guns.

Emily was a crack shot, and she blew off some steam before meeting Jef's large family of very attractive people on what looked to be the FLDS compound. Like, INTENSE log cabin, stern older bro! So freaking gorgeous. The ranch was so bizarrely idyllic,the grass as regular as a mini golf park, a toy horse always vaguely in frame, the bounce card shooting gold light into the air. Jef's sisters? Cousins? Were charming but I felt like they were all trying to figure out how to say " do you feel about changing religions because we are all about ours ?"

Jef also dropped his cool in favor of reading from a mini legal pad manifesto. I don't think this looks good on anyone (if you want to make a heartfelt speech, say what's in your heart. If you're afraid to misspeak maybe you're afraid of what you feel?) and Emily was literally roasting next to him. Her poor shoulders were blooming from magenta to fuchsia to violet.

So okay, hold up, Arie speaks DUTCH?!

His mom is a Dutch diva who runs that haughty game on a level I've only seen Lisa Vanderpump and the leads of Dynasty approach. I really don't like to talk about physical appearances but I feel compelled to remind everyone not to use tanning beds. Yes they are relaxing and feel like flying through space in a space pod and the Vitamin D burst feels like giving all your cells a high-five, but it plays hell on your décolletage.

I had high expectations for Arie's home which is why I was shocked at how sinister it felt, almost like he had brought Emily back to the house moments after the sullen sister had shot out a few of the lights. Dark and tense and the artwork was baffling. When Mieke squirreled Emily away in the bedroom for a heart-to-heart, for the first time I felt comforted by the presence of the cameraman, like okay, no matter how weird this gets no one will make Emily cry or hold her over a wood chipper or anything. THERE ARE WITNESSES, Mieke. You diva.

And then there were the jokesters.

I am seriously confused about what the joke was here. Like, his whole family thought it would be hilarious to scatter all of his shoes around the guest room and tell her he lived there? Ha, ha. Where does he live exactly? I mean, now that we've brought it up. Like is the joke that he doesn't live in the room because he moved into the garage or his own mini playhouse? This "joke" took an insane amount of energy and is going to be a real pain in the A for the housekeeper they obviously have. (Although how sadly sweet was it that Emily's knee-jerk reaction was "I can clean…" as her skin visibly crawled.)

Seriously though, I would live in that little house at my current age, no probs. You could see Emily soaking up the specs to recreate this little palace for Ricki. Anyway, if you watched during the credits you also saw that they tried to convince Emily a taxidermied armadillo was dinner. Haha! When does it stop?! SERIOUSLY WHEN DOES THIS STOP? When a member of this family has to break actual bad news to the group I'll bet it's a long, complicated process as they struggle to convince the others it's not a prank. "No, seriously, I got kicked out of school. This is not a prank that I'm telling you this, though if it were that would be SERIOUSLY hilarious."

Here again though was another family where Emily already looked related to most of the family members (good thing? Eerie thing? All white people do not just look alike, I swear, but there was a weirdly high proportion of faux Emilies in the gene pool at these hometowns). But I absolutely adored hearing all their Southern accents playing back and forth together. Southern accents might be my favorite thing for a human tongue to do.

Not so much this. Sweet mercy, that's a lot of tongue for TV. I can't look. Shaun's nice (CRAZY) but he just, he like breathes a LOT around his words and I don't like all the "Give myself, give herself" talk and showboating that he can run faster than an Escalade. He's an impressive specimen to be sure, but think of all that muscle acting in rage, not romance, and I think you'll see why he gives me chills.

So, obviously Emily had a big choice to make picking out her future suicide victim, basically, because seriously all these guys seem in over their heads. (As they should be.)

And unfortunately (but not at all surprising, he thought he was on his way out last week, so I don't know who he thought he was fooling with that "I am just shocked" routine) Chris got the heave-ho. SHOCKED! How? Why? You thought you were out last week, when WOLF was still in the running. Like your family is adorable and amazing but at the end of the day they won't all be piling in bed with you on the fantasy suite, so it's all still very much about you, Chris. (Although you do seem very nice. Just not a match. You'll see. Hang in there. It gets better, Chris.)

So we've got our top three, which I believe I predicted in our first episode, just about: Arie, Jef, and Shaun. I'm seeing Arie in my crystal ball, guys, although secretly I root for Jef. How do you rank our top three?


1. Top three, most likely to least, go!

2. Does "He's a little more country than he wants people want to know" an insult or compliment?

3. Whose family did Emily seem the most comfortable around?

4. Meeting four prospective sets of in-laws: Could you handle it?

5. Was Shaun's prank funny or did it raise more questions than it answered?

6. How much tongue is okay for TV?

Comments (12)
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Jul 20, 2012
Oh! Read this if you are missing Lily!

Jul 14, 2012
Ahhhh! Where is the latest photo recap? Sorely missing your fresh (and hilarious) take on each episode!
Jul 13, 2012
Where the hell is your review of the last episode Lily? If let you go or something then I'm definitely done with this site. I can't believe there is still not a review up, that's not like you. I just hope you aren't sick or fired or something.
Jul 11, 2012
Lily! Where's your recap of week 9? I needs it!
Jul 06, 2012
1. Arie, Jef, Shaun. Arie will win, seems clear. Shaun is just weird - it seems pretty obvious he knows he's not the one and confessed his love to play his part in the show. There is seriously something spooky about Jef and it has nothing to do with religion. He simply does not make sense for Emily. Arie 'reminds her of Ricki's Dad' so that's a clincher, he is sophisticated, funny, real and will be the best 'celeb' mate for the "future Emily sees for herself" (in the limelight), which is not, I might add, a quiet life in the country (with a shotgun in her hand).

2. See above.

3. Chris's family was the most genuine. Arie was right about his fam. They are european so we shouldn't assume that because they aren't huggers, for example, that they aren't warm. Or that they are rude because they speak their native Dutch at home. Besides, it's clear the producers asked them to speak Dutch on camera just to get that "it was a bit awkward" comment out of Em.

4. No Prob. Just be yourself and follow your heart.

5. It was stupid.

6. Had to turn away from the tongue, so that should answer your question. Unless it's Arie's and then I'm glued to the TV.
Jul 05, 2012
1. I'm going to go with everyone else here and say Arie Jef Sean, though I could totally see Jef Arie Sean. At least I hope so... I do not like Sean anymore. All he has going for him is his looks, and his actions seem rather fake. Arie is a clear frontrunner, but Emily is so giddy around Jef. I think I'll be disappointed either way.

2. I think she meant it as a compliment, but it's kind of an insult to people who are country...

3. Jef's, I think. As someone else pointed out, Arie's family was totally rude by speaking in another language in front of her.

4. No. That's some serious pressure. Emily looked totally nervous the whole time. She kept touching her hair, especially around Chris's family.

5. Not funny at all. The armadillo was even less funny, especially if it happened afterward.

6. I would like to see a lot less of tongue. Plus Sean's tongue kiss at the park where he kind of missed her mouth and just licked her upper lip was super weird. It just made me uncomfortable.

I keep wondering who's going to be the next Bachelor. I don't know if I want to watch Arie after seeing his strong connection with Emily and anticipating that he's going to be the one at the end. It might be hard for Jef to be the Bachelor with his religion; it seems like it's a little taboo on the show, so I'm not sure ABC would go for it. I definitely don't want to watch Sean with his lack of genuineness, and Chris has really shown a temper so far that I wouldn't want to watch. Doug also seemed fake, Ryan was far too full of himself, and none of the other guys really stood out enough in my mind. I'll be interested to see who it will be.
Jul 04, 2012
1. Arie Jef Shaun. Besides the racecar driving thing, Emily's a single mom and we like good kissers - he was her favorite one. But man his mom would be a dealbreaker for me. I was always taught it was the height of rudeness to speak another language in front of a guest. No class.

2. I think Emily was giving him a compliment.

3. She seemed most comfortable around Jef's family, especially when she got a little baby to hold.

4. Honey, at this point I'd be ecstatic with meeting one set of prospective in-laws. Bring it.

5. No, Shaun's pranks were stupid. I hate pranks, especially when they play on the "isn't she adorably stupid, she actually think Shaun lives here, or that we eat armadillo, hahaha." Dealbreaker. Leave comedy to the comedians.

6. Um, none. I don't want to see it slippin' in or comin' out. And Shaun's weird kiss looked more inspired by his dogs. In fact, I think I'd rather be tongue-smacked by his dogs than Shaun. They look like they've had more practice. Again, dealbreaker, and that brings us right back to square one: Arie. If you're going to spend the rest of your life with someone, you shouldn't have to teach them how to kiss.
Jul 04, 2012
1. Arie, Jef, Shaun. Although secretly I'm wishing Jef, Arie, Shaun. 2. Depends on the context. 3. Jef's. 3. Probably not, that is a lot of pressure considering you are going to break three hearts. 5. No it wasn't funny. It did raise more questions like where does he actually live? 4. Subtle tongue is fine, but if we can pinpoint it. No. 6. Also how hot is it that Arie speaks Dutch? Uh stupid hot.
Jul 04, 2012
1. Arie, Jef, Shaun.

-Feels like Shaun only just got into the top 3 after the 'romantic' run through the streets of Prague looking for Emily, which impressed Emily immensely... Relationship-wise, I saw no growth between them; all she was going on was how good of a kisser and looker he is.

-Jef is growing on her, a hell of a lot. And opening up so much more. And she's drinking it all up. And I totally support it because out of everyone he seems to be the most upfront and genuine; especially when he immediately admitted that if his parents didn't like her, their relationship could very well end.

2. Compliment

3. She seemed the most comfortable around Chris' family, probably because she wasn't as nervous about impressing them (I'll bet she already knew he'd be the one going home).

4. No

5. The pranks were just pure awkward, not funny... and raised questions about what Shaun's real living arrangement and lifestyle is like.

6. The Bachelorette... is not the place for tongue.
Jul 04, 2012
Sean's niece is the luckiest girl in the world. I think her play house is larger than my apartment...
Jul 04, 2012
Lily, As usual you are sooo funny, but more so, you are so quick to pick-up on the little subtle things... which also make me LOL. Like the "framed wallpaper". The "too much tongue", the weird not-so-funny jokes the family plays on Emily. Each week, after watching the only TV show I watch, I can't wait to read your column!

1. This is a hard one for me. I read last week that Rikki's "other grandparents" are very upset and angry at Emily. So, I have to think not only is Emily looking for a husband for herself and a father for Rikki, she's also thinking who would be the best grandparents of the 3 sets left.

So, by process of elimination I kinda feel that Shaun's family plays too many jokes on anyone they can... could Rikki take the jokes? Would Emily be OK with jokes being played on her daughter? I got the feeling Emily didn't think either joke was all that funny... at least not as funny as Shaun's family did. I think Ari's mom is too diva, too high-maintenance, and too much competition (in the looks department) for Emily and Rikki. They need to be the "pretty ones, the cute ones" in whatever family she chooses.

Jef's family is too, too LDS (that isn't an insult, I'm just saying) for the fun-loving, party-going, adventure-seeking Emily. With that, I'm going to pick my choice out of hat! OK... ready? The one I picked was Arie!

2. A compliment... I think.

3. The one with the most blondes. So that any future children will look like Rikki. Oh yeah. They've all got blondes! Um, I say ummm... gee... can I say None of them?

4. No

5. Raised more questions. I was as uncomfortable as Emily seemed to be.

6. I love tongue as much as anyone... but I was uncomfortable watching it once. Twice was just wayyy too much... at that point, anyway.

Jul 04, 2012
1. Jef, Arie, Shaun... although I'm hoping she picks Arie and that The Bachelor is smart enough to make Jef the next star (despite him being looks wise too young for the typical show)

2. I think there's a lot to Jef, and although Emily might not fulling understand it yet, I think he'd really broaden her horizons.

3. Jef's

5. At my house we all expected Shaun to take her to his real house and were a little sad/scared for Emily when he didn't.

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