The Bachelorette: Villains Ahoy!

The Bachelorette S08E04: "Week 4"


Was I the only one who felt a pang of anxiety when Chris Harrison crashed the pajama party at the mansion and told the boys they had to be on a plane in two hours? Pack up, get to the airport, and get through security in two hours??

They must have been taking the ABC jet. The He-Harem was headed for Bermuda, and Harrison assured them they would never see the Charlotte mansion again (wink wink, nudge nudge, remove your flasks from the library shelves and couch cushions, boys). This show truly kicks into high gear when the disorientation, unpredictable weather, and stress of travel start unraveling the contestants.

Case in point, Doug getting so riled up before his one-on-one date that he defensively grabbed a hurricane lamp with one hand as though considering it as a projectile. Arie and Shaun were very gently teasing him about being nervous and, proving their point for them, he totally lost his temper moments before Emily walked in. Shaun was teasing him with the pinpoint precision of a man who has been subject to many an abusive football coach; Arie was more wry and teasing, his own steel nerve tempered by cheating death on the race track and, I am assuming, being Effing Rich as Hell. Don't you think Arie is a rich kid? He totally has that vibe.

Doug is not a rich kid, neither is a poor man. He is a great dad. He started a charity because Superman was not going to come along. If you were to meet his ex-girflriend, her most bitter complaint would be that he did not wash her car enough.

When it came to listing his own faults, Doug was frankly stumped. You want some help, Doug? Here are some faults I've noticed about you in just 14 continuous minutes of a television program:

1. Rage issues

2. Temper flares

3. A need to monitor and scold others

4. Humorless about yourself and as far as I can tell everything else

5. You refer to yourself in third person and not in a joking way

6. You are old, Father William, compared to Emily and the other contestants

7. So into your son it's like "the lady doth protest too much" and I'm starting to wonder if you even HAVE a son

8. Terrible and confusing interface on your charity website (although kudos for starting a charity, or whatever the hell that page is)

And also plus et cetera.

Han'some Chris (who I will always think of as "Chris Harrison on stilts") called Doug out much later at the rose ceremony with a perceptive summation so insightful, as soon as I heard it I moved Chris to my top three favorite contestants. He simply told Doug, "You are over-the-top humble." That summarizes what is getting under everyone's skin beautifully. Doug is making SUCH an effort to show he's just a regular dude ("I'm just Doug") that it's starting to make me wonder where the bodies are.

The group date looked incredibly fun not at all dangerous pretty challenging. Because Emily, with her platinum premium DNA ("I don't go to the gym") and $350,000 wardrobe (the largest budget ABC has granted a Bachelorette for her clothes, and she's making it look like a million bucks), is the ultimate prize, this boat race got pretty heated and the burst of activity must have fired up some of the latent steroids buried in the fat tissues of Ryan, Charlie, and Shaun as they got truly riled up at each other. It was humorous how flabbergasted they were that the lead boat changed two or three times during the race. "We were in the lead, and then somehow THEY GOT IN FRONT OF US." Um...that's how races work? Charlie, stop SOBBING...you had a 50 percent chance of losing all along! Whatever, it was actually a very exciting visual. The team with the most fashionable haircuts and tatties won.

Although arguably Jef and Ryan may have preferred to go home and restyle their pompadours, as wind be no friend to a trendy haircut.

Ryan was cracking me up this episode. Between Emily quoting some of his bon mots in a hilarious imitation of his voice ("If you ain't cheatin' you ain't tryin'!") and his prophesy that he was headed for bigger things (like his own season of The Bachelor), Ryan transformed into a dim, ridiculous villain in this episode. He's not threatening because Emily seems very aware that he's a d-bag, but his lack of filter and grandiose self-image is leading to some of the hardest laughs each episode. He's like Kenny Powers in a Ken Doll's body.

His speech to Emily about setting a good example for the young women of America as the Bachelorette came off as transparently manipulative, totally sexist, and kind of addled. Emily was smiling and nodding at him patiently as though he were a senile great-uncle telling her that young ladies must only ride side-saddle. Slut-shaming the Bachelorette, AND Ryan's there for the wrong reasons! I'd truly hate him if he weren't so ludicrous.

On the other side of the spectrum you have Jef, sitting on the beach and assuring Emily that he LIKES spending TIME with her. Emily described this interaction later to Chris Harrison by simply saying "I think Jef just isn't into me." Jef's attempts at articulating that he wasn't repelled by Emily made him sound like Gargamatron, Intergalactic Explorer, who had just come to Earth and "What is this thing you call love? I understand you humans spend time with each other not to bottle water or make business but because you...like...each other? Liking is a sense of pleasure? What is the fifth element?" I mean, it could be a lack of physical experience as I expect him to be probably a hardcore Mormon, but...

When you take his icy tone and add the knee socks, I have to conclude it's aesthetic, not religious asceticism.

Jef is just living in his own Urban Outfitters catalog version of reality and that is no place to approach a man, but Emily is so intrigued with Jef (there aren't many hipsters or edgy Mormons in Charlotte, I imagine) that she keeps lavishing him with roses. It looks tempting and ripe, the fruit of the hipster tree, but to be sure it tastes bitter, Emily. It tastes bitter indeed.

There was the dreaded one-on-one date, the first of its kind in the series, and everyone's efforts to be polite to each other and enjoy the date gave it all the stakes of a Girl's Night Out. Wolf and Nate, who I still can barely tell apart, sat on either side of Emily in a freaking cave and they all sipped wine and didn't make eye contact. The sound editor even provided us with comically loud dripping effects to emphasize the awkwardness. Sigh. WE GET IT, BACHELORETTE. I swear, the season they introduce chyrons like my beloved Blind Date is when I officially stop watching this show.

The cave provided some truly entertaining angles. Between the cramped Charlotte mansion, filming on a tipping sailboat, and trying to maneuver through new environments in a dripping cave, the cameraman is earning her paycheck as never before. Jah bless, cameraperson.

Ultimately Nate started crying while simply trying to list his family members and Emily decided it was time for the children to go to bed and sent him home. (He also called quinoa "Kin-O-Wah" which made my food-snob self snortle hatefully " It's Keeen-wah, douche!" Also, never try to impress a Southern Belle with your knowledge of ancient grains.)

The big surprise of the night? Music Mike got sent home without a single date while Chompers Kaleyn is still in the house (looking increasingly quiet and uncomfortable in the group shots.) I kept waiting for Music Mike to get his turn and he left without a single helicopter ride. Still, I'm sure there's a posse of beauties in Austin breathing a sigh of relief at his dismissal. We hardly knew ye Music Mike!


QUESTIONS:

1. Where is Roger Lodge these days?

2. Are half of these guys battling colds?

3. Ryan: hilarious or horrible?

4. Doug: love him or hate him?

5. Emily's totally blunt-cut ponytail: expensive clip on?

6. Who do you think calls Ricki "baggage" in the next episode!?

Comments (18)
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1. Who is Roger Lodge?

2. Emily has quite the cold in yesterdays episode (June 11 - I'm a little behind in commenting).

3. HORRIBLE!!! And so is CHRIS! I can't stand him! His look (evil) and his attitude is immature. He looked like a spoiled rotten child when he was scolding Doug.

4. Neither.. I only like him. He has an attractive edge (and body!) but there's something not quite right..

5. Clip on yes; stupid looking HELL YES!

6. It was Kalen (another tool)..



To be honest there aren't a lot of guys on here I would consider dating..



I love Jef (and his socks) but he needs to grow a set and be a little less timid to make a move!



I like Arie because he is dutch and sexy as hell (those lips!) and looks like he might be quite the lover based on his kissing style..



Sean would make a great husband and father..



The rest are meh.. but I did feel sad for Michael (cut off the ponytail dude!) because he was upset and has never been in love.. :-(



I also can't stand Emily's veneers.. it makes her hold her mouth all funny and her top teeth stick out.. it looks dumb!!!
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I thought Kalen said something in an earlier episode (in the pool or outside) that implied Ricki was baggage. I think that is what will be brought up in the next episode. I wish Mike had told Emily on his way out that Ryan wants to be The Bachelor. Since Mike was leaving the show he had no vested interest in what happens and if he had any care for Emily he would of told Emily (but prefaced it with something like "I'm not sure how Ryan meant this but he said ...."

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Like Ray replied?!?! LOL this adbot is hilarious!
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Chris is my favorite from the get go, I said he looks a little like Gary Sinise (me likey). Ryan, Kaleyn, Arie, Jef, Doug, are just extremely creepy, controlling, narcisstic guys, reminiscent of her ex- Brad Womack. These guys have serious mental issues. Ditto for Charlie glad he's gone.
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Oh Lily, I want to thank you for feeing me to watch this show. I always thought it was some dumb show but this season at least is so romantic and I really think it could end in a real life connection. Just this once. Like, I seriously get lightning bugs in my heart when Emily and Arie are together. The shows over, it's them. I think she's just taking till the finale because it's all about Arie.

1. I don't know who that is.

2. I actually wasn't sure what you were getting at.

3. Ryan is both hilarious and horrible. I was really frustrated at first bc he was right in the she's setting an example to young girls but in the sense that I don't want her to fall for super jerky guys trucks. So, when she said she knew he was basically a shithead and she was just messing with him, I was ecstatic.

4. I really liked Doug in the first episode and didn't get your dislike of him but as time goes on I see it. I can't stand him new. He's aggressive verging on violent, has no sense of humor, way too humble, and very very fake. Chris called it and I like Chris but I think he is way to immature. Doug said younger guys need time to mature and he proves it by acting like some kind of fight monkey. Also, do you notice that Doug hangs out with Ryan a lot? Red flag.

5. Yeah, I noticed the hair to and thought it was a little to perfect. Probably a piece or a fresh cut.

6. It has to be Kalen. He is the only one they didn't show griping about the baggage comment, or at least he's one of the few. Plus, I showed my boyfriend the part on one of the last two episodes where he basically tells her to shut up. He said that comes off very controlling and he's obviously hiding something based in the whole conversation. I, also thought ut came off as precursor to domestic violence either physical or mental. Plus, it sounders like his voice.



There I've said my super long piece.



P.S. You've really gotten better on the whole spoiler thing. Thank you so much.
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God, I thought I properly checked for typos. That's what I get for typing on my phone with a headache.

Getting not feeing. Faking not taking. Not sure if griping it spelled right, I meant like complaining. Sounds not sounders. There fixed it so people can read it if they want to.
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No worries about typos!!! Never feel not free to read this show. Even when there's no emotional connection it's still one of the most fascinating spectacles in our modern age and serves as an informal gauge of how the war of the sexes is actually going. I too love how Emily is handling Ryan, just smiling and nodding and then rolling her eyes to the camera. As for keeping him around, I feel like there's only really 2 or 3 guys the bachelor/ette is ever really interested in and the producers instruct her on which ones to keep for our viewing amusement.

But glad you're enjoying the hsow- I agree that this is the first time I've seen it and felt like it was approaching the premise. I'd theorize it's because Emily already has an incredible fulfilling life she wants to share and isn't waiting to start one, that's part of what makes her so attractive.
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Thanks for responding. She is fascinating to watch. I admire her and agree she's only really interested in a few. I actually work in the film industry and have in several reality shows so I know some inside stuff. I actually worked on the upcoming episode of secret millionaires when it came through my hometown of oklahoma city.
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Lily, is Bachelorette the only thing you're reviewing now? I like your reviews, but I can't watch this show or my brain will off itself.
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Until True Blood starts! If you don't naturally take to Bachelor, consider a drinking game to help you along...maybe I should make a bingo card.
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No, thx. I'll just drink and skip the show. Less of a hangover that way.
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My money's on Kalon for calling Ricki "baggage." Arie's too smart for that. Thank God Emily's perceptive enough to see right through Ryan and his d-baggery. And what was up with Jef & those blue knee socks?! I'd hate to think I'm shallow, but ... yeah, that would be a dealbreaker for me. Watching Sean and Arie rile up Doug masterfully was amazing, & yes, Chris is awesome.
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i think its arie who calls her baggage, they dont really show him, so i think its him, too bad i thought he was a nice guy, but you arn't nice when you call someones child baggage.
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I'm preeetttty sure we saw Arie in teh full season promo getting further along than Bermuda...I think we see him in London, so I can't imagine he'd be off the show that early (because whoever it is will certainly get kicked off the show) it might possibly be Chris just because the tone of voice is closest to his (although they could have had someone do the voice in post for the promo) Although i REALLY want it to be Doug, because the irony would be insane.
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No, I'm pretty sure I saw Arie griping about the person who said it. I think it's Kalen. Plus, I would be crushed if it was Arie. Crushed.
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Spot ON with Kenny Powers + Ken doll = Ryan!! Is it me or does he also have a slight Stan from American Dad vibe in there as well, with the jawline bigger than his head? Such a caveman, I love that she knows what a d-bag he really is...
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WHAT was Jef wearing at the rose ceremony?!
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My sister figured that one out and called me up about it: Bermuda shorts! Although the knee socks were really disturbing and still not an excuse.
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