I am furious about the latest episode of The Bachelorette. If I see a red rose, I might punch it in the face. Maybe I’m confused, because I thought the premise was as follows: A bunch of guys compete for one lady/free vacation time, to the vicarious delight of viewers. But the show broke Ashley down last night. The producers are supposed to be on her side, but last night we saw them set her up and be an accomplice to Bentley knocking her down. It was rough. Like, if she had been a snowman, last night would have been the equivalent of shooting her into the sun. If she was a tree, last night would have been a dog peeing right in her face.
Y’all remember Rozlyn Papas? How she was shamed out of the house by Chris Harrison for ALLEGEDLY making out with a producer? Chris Harrison made her pack her bags under his watchful gaze and drive out into the night, then pulled Jake aside and apologized profusely, laying out all the allegations and assuring him that the rest of the girls were there for him.
Meanwhile, we had Bentley sh*t-talkin’ Ashley and callously outlining his plans to leave the show in every confessional he gave, and the crew was doing nothing to protect or inform Ashley. I’m not saying there’s a double standard. I’m not saying that Chris Harrison puts bros before hos. I’m not saying this show has become a sadistic mind game like the one in that Michael Douglas movie The Game. All I’m saying is NEVER, EVER on The Bachelor have the contestants been encouraged to get up and make fun of the Bachelor they way they did last night on the Bachelorette. Its usually the ladies who get humiliated on The Bachelor. And now they’re humiliating the lady on The Bachelorette.
I mean, the date was A ROAST??
“We roast the ones we love.”—Jeffrey Ross
Well, naturally, I remember when we roasted my 12-year-old nephew, and my first roast from this one guy I liked in high school, and, Oh wait NO I DON’T, BECAUSE THAT DOESN’T HAVE EVER HAPPENED EVEN ONCE IN EVER!!! Most of the guys understood immediately that they'd been dropped into a perverse no-win situation, but Thick William, who is an aspiring comedian, immediately pulled out his little pad and started refining COMEDY GOLD:
Jeff “Its Whats Inside that Counts” fired the first shot in this war of attrition by joking about Ashley’s boob size. The boob theme became a running joke. Seriously? This is 2011. If boobs are your biggest criteria for a mate, then please just have some implants put into a golden retriever and call it a relationship, because you do NOT need to be reproducing. Like, eff y’all. I don’t care what size boobs you have, you can’t listen to this roast, be a lady, and not feel personally degraded. Shame on them, shame on The Bachelorette, and shame on Thick William, who merrily horrified the entire audience.
Bentley is smart—Hannibal Lector smart. He knows little sensitive gestures that imply the kind of caring he cannot feel. When Ashley curled up in a chair to quietly sob after the roast, he made a point of going over to her, because:
It was clear that everyone on the “group date” was feeling the awkward in the air. The roast had ended with a stunned, silent crowd. Even Thick William took to the streets in shame. So, in that atmosphere, for Bentley’s reaction to be “Ha HAAA messin’ time!”—like, did he just sadistically enjoy the hurt in the room? Because:
Ashley revealed to Bentley that she'd heard he'd come on the show for the wrong reasons (what are the right reasons again? Librarian won’t let you use the public computers for match.com?) and he correctly guessed she’d heard about him from Michelle Money.
Holla girl! I love you. Can you, Jillian Harris, and Gia come jump in my ’99 Chevy Tracker and take a road trip with me to Vegas? Because y’all are my FAAAVES!!!
Bentley denied everything, but in his "talking head"s he gave it up to Michelle. He’s here to promote his business…which is investment banking. Investment banking. Nothing like a couple weeks lying in someone’s face on national TV to make investors more confident.
So, after denying up and down that he wasn’t going to leave after two weeks, Bentley chose the two-week mark to leave, because Ashley “isn’t his type” and Emily Maynard is.
By the way, here’s a pic of Bentley and his ex wife.
I’m trying to think of the word here…is there one word that means “treating women who look alike like interchangeable objects”? I don’t think so. Can I make one up? How about "dickbraining"? Can I propose that as the word? “I dickbrain when it comes to blondes” would be a usage in context.
Having congratulated himself on playing his fellow contestants for idiots (well played, Bentley, you confused a room full of rejected catalog models—you’re a MASTERMIND), he drove over to break the news to Ashley.
Watching this straight up hurt. It felt gross to see. I’m not even angry at Bentley, who described kissing Ashley’s neck the way a serial killer talks about drowning a kitten, and said her crying was “annoying.” Let me bullet point why I’m furious:
1. To stand there and film this guy making out with Ashley after hearing his confessionals—gross. My skin is crawling. WHERE WAS CHRIS?
2. This is not a nature documentary! Rozlyn Papas was booted off the set, R-Rated hobbled off in a boot. WHERE WAS CHRIS?!
3. Bentley is really pleased with how awful he is. He was trying not to laugh when he talked about his little angel asking about “Daddy.” Ha ha, bro! Coolest single dad in the frat house! Does the alimony eat into your sweet snowboarding weekends?
4. The way producers edited this scene was hostile to Ashley. Bentley would say Ashley cried too much and they’d show her crying. Don’t illustrate Mr. Toad’s points. He’s not funny, he’s disturbing.
Just like Ashley, I was too traumatized to acknowledge her date with JP. She looked like a million dollars for the Rose Ceremony, but let's face it, the Haunted J. Lo eyes are back:
Hey, Chris? Rose Ceremony Pre-Game is where you pull out a portable DVD player and show her the Bentley’s daily confessionals. You were supposed to be on our side, dude. This show was supposed to be advocating a predominantly female view of the value of romance. Instead you slapped us all in the face. You think I can pay attention to the Old Navy commercials when I’m being deafened by the shattering of my childhood ideals?
Yeah, I’ll still watch next week. I can’t give up on Ashley now, no matter how much it hurts.
... Will anyone ever agree to be the Bachelorette again after seeing this ish?
... What former Bachelorette contestants would YOU take in my Tracker to Vegas?
... No one here is a psychoanalyst, but would you say that Bentley has all the traits exhibited by a sociopath? (See: http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html)
... Will you watch next week?