Day 2 of our almost week-long look at the season's new opening sequences brings us to Mondays, which might be the weakest night for pretty graphics and video showing us the title of a TV show. Can't Mondays catch a break? First Garfield, now bad TV openings? Ugh! Let's get 'em over with, then meet back here tomorrow to discuss Tuesday's offerings.
Well the show got one thing right: This is one broke-ass opening sequence! You can almost hear the producers saying, "Let's get this out of the way and get back to Kat Dennings saying snarky things while her boobs struggle to escape from her tight tops." So they got a few shots of the Brooklyn Bridge, re-purposed some hipster song from a car commercial, threw an Instagram filter on the whole thing to make it look like it was shot by a plastic camera sold at Urban Outfitters, and figured the 18-49-year-olds would flock! This is a lazier effort than 2 Broke Girls' racist Han Lee jokes, and in no way tells us anything about the show. If I'd never seen it before, I'd think it was about bridges. Grade: D
Hart of Dixie producer: "It's a show about a woman in high heels who moves from New York City to the rural South. Can you reflect that in the opening title?" Graphic designer who takes things way too literally: "Okay." And why does a plane have to crash in the Sun? Grade: C
What the hell? Is this an opening for a TV show or an ad for a sale in the Juniors section at Bloomingdale's? That said, this actually works for the ABC Family show, because 14-year-old girls are only interested in things that look cool. And what's cooler than lounging around in a pool wearing big sunglasses? The Lying Game and teen girls, that's what. Grade: C+
Before you ask, the video is backwards to sneak it around copyright violations, but you get the message, and the message is this: This show features chicks in embarrassing costumes. It's basically Saturday Night Live's opening with a lot more cleavage. Can't you just hear Don Pardo saying "It's The Playboy Club! Starring Eddie Cibrian! Amber Heard!" Predicting a show's quality based on its opening titles (see: Homeland) shouldn't be possible, but one look at this and you know you're in for an hour of mediocrity. Just because the show is set in the 1960s doesn't mean the credit sequence has to feel decades old. Grade: F
Guess which show spent its entire budget on piss-poor CGI for pterosaurs and dino-fish!? Terra Nova was supposed to be an epic show, and an epic show deserves (and needs) an epic opening. Instead, we got the most expensive animated .gif ever made—which, in retrospect means it at least pairs well with the show. Just like the series, it's a wasted opportunity. I would have rather seen an acoustic performance from Josh Shannon. Grade: D
Technically not entirely new, but CBS has added Ashton Kutcher to the mix, and he's doing his best lusty-eyed Charlie Sheen impression... which makes me want to button my shirt all the way up because he's eating me alive with his eyes. I feel violated. Watch this video and just stare at Ashton's face, I dare you. He's wearing a smile that says, "No one can hear you scream, so go ahead. It only makes you more attractive." Jon Cryer is the only thing that's okay about this, and that's stretching it. Grade: C-
Which new Monday-night credit sequences do you like best?