Welcome to Day 2 of our overly critical examination of things that don't really need critical examinations, the new television opening sequences of the 2012-2013 season. Today we'll focus on Tuesday and its bounty of comedies, so expect lots of crappy pop songs and images of people laughing and hugging!
And make sure you tell Siri to remind you that we'll be back tomorrow with a look at Wednesday's best and worst opening credits.
I'll tell you one thing, this opening has sole! But it doesn't really put its best foot forward, it flip-flops around, and it's a shoe-in for one of the lamer sequences of the year (also something about a boot). I get the idea it's pitching: We're all shoe-wearing human beings, can't we all have shoe-wearing human babies, regardless of whether our shoes are flats, high heels, combat boots, or sneakers? This oppression of shoes must stop, and all shoes should be treated equally. But isn't this show about gay guys having a kid with a surrogate mother who they "adopt" as part of their family? Instead, someone shook out the contents of a Payless and filmed it. And minus a letter grade for reminding me of Last Man Standing. Grade: D
A sports-talk radio host falls out of his chair, his jacket tumbles from the sky, and a choir of troubled support-group members reaches out to catch him in a trust fall. Then a title card. Someone had grand plans for this during an absinthe trip, but the sobering look at the resulting sequence leaves it incomprehensible. I need therapy to figure this thing out. Grade: C-
This show does not give a shit about having an intro sequence, so here are some Vegas-y light bulbs and a cat walking across an organ! Grade: D+
This is actually brilliant in pointing out the professional and personal clash of the show's lead character, Emily Owens. But it also reminds me that Emily Owens' stomach butterflies are responsible for millions of accidental deaths a year as she spends too much time wondering whether her hair looks good instead of putting a clamp on that geyser of an artery she just severed while trying to impress the cute male nurse. Maybe this is one intro that shouldn't have been so on-the-nose. Grade: C
Worse than Homeland's intro! Absolutely unwatchable. The music sounds like someone playing with a Casio SK-1 sampling keyboard for the first time, the rapid wipes require Dramamine to get through, and the clips are all from the first few episodes. The worst thing to happen to anyone. Grade: F-
The adorable Ben and Kate actually showed some restraint and only made its opener REALLY cute. I expected a full minute of Maddie and the Snuggle bear playing with baby chicks and blowing dandelions, but instead we see Ben and Kate growing up on a couch and establishing their relationship as the good-for-nothing brother and the sister who made bad decisions and got irresponsibly pregnant. And then everyone crams onto a couch in a way only TV best buddies know how. Works for me. Grade: B
Which new Tuesday-night credit sequences do you like best?