The Biggest Loser: And Then They Came to the End

First, let me just get this out of the way: Koli wore pink pants. Daris introduced his new girlfriend (bye-bye, pesky virginity!) by saying, “She’s my girlfriend and she’s beautiful!” They both looked amazing, but America went for the cowboy and voted Daris into the third finalist spot.

The At-Home Winner:
Last week I suggested that the producers of The Biggest Loser had finally tired of showing that clip of Ashley falling off the treadmill in week one. I can be so naïve. The finale was a whopper of a flashback episode, and as the contestants paraded onto the stage for their skinny debuts, the look-how-far-they’ve-come montages were in full swing—including the Ashley/treadmill clip.

Despite the fact that all the women looked like they were at a casting call for the next iteration of Real Housewives, it was pretty sweet. A few were real stunners, a few were just slightly smaller fat people. Ashley’s mom Sherry was positively teensy at 119 pounds. Migdalia looked like Migdalia in a lot of makeup and a short dress (she did lose 52 pounds, nothing to shake a stick at—unless, of course, you are surrounded by people who have lost three times that much).

For a while it looked as if Sherry was going to take home the $100k at-home prize. Then Darryl (whoa!) took it from her after losing 189 pounds—45.76% of his body weight. But it was Koli, looking almost too skinny, who dominated. He lost a total of 215 pounds, or more than half of himself (if America had voted for him he would have taken the whole thing, but I digress). He did some of his characteristic fist pumping, but mostly he looked sort of weirdly mellow and almost depressed. Maybe he needed a snack. Maybe he was mad at America for leaving him in the lurch.

The Biggest Loser
I’ve avoided mentioning it until now because it seemed in poor taste, but can we just talk for a second about Ashley’s strangely shaped body and the well, the, um, giant butt-shaped mound that hangs out below her belly? It’s unfortunate, right? It looks just exactly like a butt put on backwards.

Well, I am happy to announce that with the help of what must have been a majorly strong pair of Spanx, that, uh, "part" was mostly gone. Ashley looked great. Like really pretty terrific (in an overly made-up, super shiny way).

And then there was Michael, who busted through the fat picture of himself in jeans and a rhinestone skull belt buckle. I don’t even know what to say about the belt buckle, but my eyes are still burning.

The weigh-ins were triumphant. Daris lost 168 pounds. Ashley, a whopping 183. And then there was Mike, our new Biggest Loser, who dropped 264 pounds (the equivalent of a chubby Daris. Well done, all in all. But boy, I’m glad it’s over.

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