The Biggest Loser: Don't Mess With Texas

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The Biggest Loser finally brought out the obnoxious on Tuesday, which is good because the whole sweet-fat-people-cheering-each-other-on-and-sharing-apple-slices thing was getting a bit tedious. Yes, we want to see them lose weight, but we would also like some drama with our sweat. We need to know who to hate.

Red Team’s Melissa and Lance, a husband and wife team from Texas, are just so thoroughly unlikeable that they make it easy. Actually, that’s not true. Melissa is a devious, smirking liar; poor Lance is just married to her.

It started last week, when Melissa was accused by both trainers of throwing her weight for the second week in a row (after losing 19 pounds the first week, she lost nothing during the second and third weeks).

Well, apparently, no one puts Melissa in a corner (or calls her a liar on national TV). Melissa and Lance got themselves all puffed up Texas style, believing, I presume, that extreme huffiness would make them look honest. Lance even refused to work with Jillian after she refused to back down (and why should she? Melissa is a liar). Melissa swore on the lives of her children (uh oh).

Dear old Bob (Is he gay? Am I wasting this crush?) was better at smoothing things over, but both Lance and Melissa are obviously playing the game. She’s really good at throwing the weigh-in, but she sucks at subterfuge.

It was painful to see them win this week’s immunity challenge (again!) and even worse to watch them dole out the punishments that came with it. John lost the use of the gym for the week. Michael lost his elimination vote. Miggy and Migdalia got a 2-pound disadvantage at weigh-in, and they were not happy about it.

Which brings me to the contenders next in line for most obnoxious losers: Miggy and Migdalia, who are not happy about anything. It’s almost like they consider it their personal challenge to be as unpleasant as possible. They scowl. They pinch their lips tight. They cross their arms, daring anyone to try to like them. It’s frustrating to see people squander such a great opportunity. Not just squander it, but look pissed about getting it in the first place.

Lo and behold, Green Team fell below the yellow line (turns out the 2-pound disadvantage didn’t make a difference; they only collectively lost 5 pounds).

When it came time to make their case to the rest of the contestants, Migdalia crossed her arms and said she wanted to go home, end of discussion. It was more like a threat than a request. Miggy didn’t say anything at all.

You can probably guess that I wasn’t too broken up about Migdalia leaving. I’m just a little annoyed she got to be there in the first place. There are a lot of fat people out there who would have gladly relieved her of the burden of working with two of the best trainers in the world. At a mansion. With hair and makeup people.

A few random notes on the episode:

Most unrepentant mama’s boys: Gray Team. After winning the challenge, Sam and Koli got to call home. I’ve never seen grown men cry so openly about the prospect of getting to talk to their mommy and daddy. It was sweet in a slightly creepy, I-live-in-my-parents'-basement kind of way.

Weirdest workout: Jillian riding on Sam’s back as he elbowed and kneed, commando-style across the lawn.

Contestant looking more and more like a long-lost Kardashian: Stephanie.

Reason to give Migdalia a break: She has two kids at home and her husband was about to deploy to Afghanistan. I’d probably be a sourpuss too.

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