The Biggest Loser: Let Them Eat Cupcakes

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Another week, another episode of The Biggest Loser. Here's how this week's installment went down.

The $10,000 Cupcakes
If the rest of the viewing public is anything like me, they are getting a little restless with the never-ending workout scenes at the Ranch. We get it. They work out really hard. They sweat. They puke. They grunt. Got it. So, thankfully, the producers saw fit to mix things up this week.

Our remaining ten contestants were sent home for a spell to spend some time in their natural habitats, which involved places like brew pubs, bowling alleys, and karaoke bars. The homecoming scenes were sweet, and most people had huge crowds of cheering friends and family to greet them in their newfound slimness.

Once the cheering subsided, each contestant was presented with an enormous wooden box containing an exercise bike and a box of mini cupcakes. Then Ali blinked onto their TV screens like a spray-tanned Big Brother to tell them that in a callback to Week 1, they would be riding 26.2 miles, this time without the benefit of a partner. The first person to finish would win $10,000, which, you know, buys a lot of new skinny jeans.

The hitch? The cupcakes, obviously. Eat a 100-calorie cupcake, add five minutes to the final time of anyone you chose. Sam seemed to be a popular target.

In the end, Sunshine, Ashley, Daris, Sam, Koli and Stephanie decided not to eat anything. As Daris said, “I’ve done this right the whole time, I’m not going to stop now.”

Thirty-two cupcakes were consumed. Lance had 17 of them. They do things big in Texas. Or so I’ve heard.

After much jiggly bike riding, Sam finally won at 1 hour 17 minutes. Koli came in second. Then there were a bunch of other people. Mike finished last at 1 hour 41 minutes.

But don’t order the “Congratulations, Sam!” banner yet. After all the cupcake minutes were tallied, Sam had an hour added to his time and was moved to last place. Koli, who sneaked under the cupcake radar like a Tongan ninja, swooped in and snatched that $10,000.

Back at the Ranch
When everyone returned to the Ranch in time for a last-chance workout, everyone seemed genuinely happy to be back. And they all looked good. They’re getting skinny. You can even see Ashley’s tramp stamp now that her back rolls have lifted a bit. And Steph and Sunshine are showing actual abs.

(Speaking of Steph, have you all heard the rumor that she and Sam are an item? Apparently they had their first smooch way back in Week 3 and have been hot and heavy ever since. I’d be happier if Sam didn’t perform quite so many chest bumps or make quite so many sports analogies. Still, young love is always nice, and The Biggest Loser now has a better record than The Bachelor when it comes to setting people up.)

The Moment of Truth
And there we were again: Black Team’s four-member David up against the super-manly Blue Team's Goliath. And guess what, the little guys (poor word choice) won!

Everyone pulled huge numbers, but in the end, it was the Black Team earned a taste of (low-fat!) victory. Maybe it was the power of Sam and Steph’s love. Maybe it was the fact that Sam refused the bacon, eggs, biscuits, and gravy breakfast his mother cooked for him on his first morning home. Whatever it was, it worked.

Elimination
Can I get a woot woot? I suppose Lance is a good-enough guy, but I’ve been ticked off at the Red Team ever since Melissa threw that hissy fit way back in Week 3. I am not sad to see them both outta there. Besides, Lance did all right on his own. He started out at 365 pounds, and is now a weensy little 265 pounds. He’s hiking barren, scrubby mountains in Texas and riding his bike without a helmet along the endless, flat highways of his fair state. He’ll be fine.

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