The CW's Future Shows Sound Both Awful and Wonderful

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Ohhh CW. When will you learn? Hopefully never, actually! Because the not-quite-big-boy network just keeps rolling out laughably ridiculous show after laughably ridiculous show. Sometimes they are good ridiculous (Gossip Girl) and sometimes they are awful ridiculous (Melrose Place). But no matter what, they're always fun to gawp at in horror. And look! The network has just revealed its new drama development slate, and there are some fantastically stupid-sounding new shows on it.

Bitches in Britches

I was considering holding this one until the end of the list, but it's just too good. Basically fashion designer and The Beautiful Life: TBL-cameo-maker Zac Posen decided he wanted to try some equestrian looks, so he cobbled together this show with some real-life TV guys so he could do just that. It concerns the horsey world of Millbrook, NY--where New York City's exurban elite go to straddle heaving wild animals for pleasure. And that title! Oh, it probably won't stick, I mean it can't stick, but I'm glad it exists just for a few brief moments. Casting Suggestion: Sarah Jessica Parker, obviously. Ha ha. Seriously, though, perhaps The OC's brown-maned filly Willa Holland. She's patrician and cruel-looking, just like horse people.

The March Sisters

Sound familiar? Well, it ought to. The March sisters were those dizzy dames who talked about womanity and hand-holding back when such things were illegal in that 1994 movie Little Women. Which was based on some sort of book or something, I think. Of course this won't be a series about smart, bookish, headstrong young ladies struggling through tough winters and boyful summers in Civil War-era Concord. Oh mercy no. This is the CW! So these March sisters will be modern-day poor girls trying to make it big on Park Avenue. Sheesh. As long as the Beth character gets scarlet fever and then later dies of TB, I'm fine. Oh, and they have to call their mom "Marmie." That is a must. Casting Suggestion: Who better to play Laurie (leading lady Jo's sexy will-they-or-won't-they boy interest) than Greek's shaggy, sensitive, soulful Andrew J. West.

Plymouth Rock

A sudsy nighttime soap about hot, horny, young pilgrims fighting to survive in stony, cold Massachusetts Bay Colony. Sounds terif, right? Well too bad. Our collective dream of a network television pilgrim sex romp will have to wait, because the damn thing is actually set in space. Spaaaaace! Which is somehow even more ridiculous than a show about pilgrims doing it. But yeah, they're a bunch of hot, horny, young astronauts searching to find a place for Earth's inhabitants to resettle. So, the title's clever, get it? I'd say that I was excited about this because Veronica Mars' Rob Thomas is behind it but a) I'd be lying if I said I ever watched Veronica Mars (I know, I know it's great... I'm Netflixing it*) and b) Rob Thomas did NOT do well with the whole 90210 reboot thing last year. So. we'll see. We'll just have to wait and see. Casting Suggestion: Every youth sex spaceship needs a slightly older but still just as hot captain. So hows about beaming up the slammin' hot Stephanie Jacobsen from Sarah Connor Chronicles? Yes, I know she's on Melrose Place right now, but, guys... that thing ain't gonna last.

Nashville

Because shows about music are hot right now, and country music is an often-ignored-by-TV facet of the music industry, the CW figures it'll kill two birds with one big ol' honkin' doggone stone by raising the barn on Nashville, a story of a young dreamer who moves to Tennessee to realize her dreams. (First mistake: Moving to Tennessee to realize her dreams.) Brad Paisley, the girl from Father of the Bride's husband who also happens to sing a few country songs, is going to write music for the show as well as occasionally appear as himself. Maybe this means Kimberly Williams can actually get some work. That'd be nice for her. So yeah, expect wide-eyed dreamer cliches and lots of pensive sing-moaning and probably some sassy country girl who works at a bar and teaches the young newbie how to roll in this turrible town. Casting Suggestion: Well, other than Ms. Williams? I think the CW'd just about cream in their Wranglers if Taylor Swift suddenly expressed interest. That's probably why they started development on the damn thing in the first place. But nah. Let's think more outside the rodeo chute and go with... oh! Lucas Till in a wig.

*OK, I'd be lying if I said I actually have Netflix.

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