Awards shows are in a bit of a funk lately. They're promised by broadcasters to be "different this time" with a new take on the old formula, but they're always the same: Presenters trot out onto the stage and read a teleprompter, winners thank their moms and never us, and a host scraps together a monologue and a few sketches, .001 percent of which are actually funny.
Yeah, I'm a bit hard on awards shows, but that's because they're tired and old. In this day of niche programming, On-Demand, and internet piracy, we get to see what we want when we want. Television isn't a community, it's a bunch of warring tribes. Awards shows are a sick mix of popularity contests and pretentiousness that try to appease everyone and fail.
So instead of wasting time watching this weekend's Emmy Awards, why not waste that time catching a good buzz? Here's a drinking game to make the event a little more tolerable.
(We here at TV.com do not condone irresponsible drinking, so we ask that if you participate in this game, you lock all your doors, hide any sharp objects in your house, and delete your ex's number from your phone. Cheers!)
Whenever Jimmy Fallon cracks a joke that bombs, drink! Whenever host Jimmy Fallon tells a joke that's actually funny, drink! If we did it the other way around, you'd end up with alcohol poisoning.
... For every award that HBO wins (the network leads the competition with a jillion nominations), drink something expensive. It's premium cable, baby! It deserves more than a shot of Natty Light!
... Take a drink when that little diva Lea Michelle from Glee throws a hissy fit over not winning Best Actress even though she shouldn't have been nominated in the first place. We suggest a glass of white whine.
... Drink whenever you see an incredibly hot female presenter paired with a normal-looking dude presenter and they make stupid jokes about one being hot and it turns out the guy was talking about himself because they always do that during awards shows and it's the oldest joke in the book.
... If Jimmy Fallon picks up his guitar, change the channel!
... Take a sip of beer whenever Jimmy Fallon says the word "Twitter" or "Tweet." But only do it for the first 50 times he says it. We don't want a lawsuit on our hands.
... When NBC plays a promo for its new Indian-customer-support comedy Outsourced, drink for every time you think it's the most racist thing you've ever seen.
... Pound a beer whenever any of the following actors get snubbed: Jim Parsons, Aaron Paul, Modern Family, Breaking Bad, Kyle Chandler, Connie Britton, Jesse Tyler Ferguson. I know there are only seven potential snubs listed, but the way these always go against what I think should win, you'll need at least a six-pack just for this category.
... For every stupid joke about the producers of Lost not giving us all the answers and taking the easy way out, take a sip of a Mai Tai because you know it's true.
... After the Emmys, have a drink for every bare-chested hunk you see on True Blood in a homoerotic situation.
Feel free to suggest your own rules in the comments, and rememberit's not about who wins and loses. It's about who gets the maddest when they don't win!
Follow TV.com writer Tim Surette on Twitter: @TimAtTVDotCom