The Hills & The City: Bad Mom, Good Mom

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Let's talk about sad things vs. tragic things. Sad things are like a child crying in a department store because he can't find his mom, or those Sarah McLachlan miserable animal commercials. Tragic things are like the Hindenburg, or the end of Hamlet, or Brody's mom on The Hills. That last one is most tragic of all. Seriously guys, did you see her on the show last night? Halloween came early this year.

Why exactly was Brody's mom teetering around among the kids like some sort of waxen-faced wraith? Well, see, it was Brody's birfday! Yeah the little bugger turned 26 over the summer, meaning he is officially on the other side of the slope towards 30, which is depressing to think about, because what on Earth is Brody Jenner (or any one of these idiots) going to do when he's 30? Little tweenage goils aren't gonna watch him on the TV screen because 30 is like... unforgivably old to teenagers. He doesn't have any marketable job skills other than lazily drinking Corona and saying "bro" really well. It's not even like he can just get a job at his dad's company, because his dad is crazy Bruce Jenner who doesn't have a company, unless looking like a permed old lady is a company. (Permed Old Lady LLC) So yeah, I'm not exactly sure why anyone like Brody Jenner would want to celebrate his inexorable march toward poverty and obscurity, but I guess the glint of the cameras is blocking his view of the miserable future, so he still thinks it's all good in the hood, y'all.

But it is not good in the hood. Not good at all. See some of Brody's boys decided to throw him a surprise party that involved some water slides and a Bouncy Castle (or a Moonwalk, if you call it that, which I do. It's sort of like the Snuggie vs. Slanket debate, except that Slanket is an entirely different and far superior product, and the original sleeved blanket.) So that was a really mature party idea, and was planned mostly so Brody's boys could all wriggle around shirtless and wet with each other while bored girls in bikinis stood idly by and said "Ohmeegawwwd." (I didn't think it could ever happen, but Valley Girl speak, or some 2009 derivation of it, has totally arisen, zombified and horrible, on The Hills.) But with a surprise party comes certain dramz, especially when the star of the reality show you're really planning the whole party for decides to show up and flirt with the man of the hour in front of his crazy Jayde Scorpion girlfriend. Which, naturally, is exactly what happened last night.

After a sexy, languid bikini beach romp with the ITALIAN, LOOK AT MY TATTOO, I AM VERY ITALIAN Justin Bobby, Kristin decided it was time to put on some clothes and go to Brodaica's brohem bash. She and JB made plans to go together, but of course he totally flaked out and didn't show up so Kristy just ended up texting him all day wondering where he was. Though, she probably didn't really care. Because once Brody arrived--as his car pulled up, all of the party guests were shrieking, literally shrieking, "Sshhh! Quiet! Quiet!", which defeats the entire purpose of being quiet--Kristin was all sexy flirty with him (she'd bought him bondage gear for his birthday, natch)... and with Brody's mom. I told you I would get to her. Brody's mom. Oh dear. We saw her once, a season or two ago, when she was all drunk and pill-poppy at some restaurant. But it was so brief that our eyes didn't really get a chance to fixate on her properly, to let our cones and rods form a real picture of this jutted and pointy and stretched creature. Last night, though... Oh last night we had that chance. And it was horrifying.

See Mama Brody was at the party. Mama Brody was at the party and being all blonde and crazy and trying to just be one of the girly girls. She was wearing basically the same outfit as a lot of them. She was trying to talk like them, using hip-hop-isms and other terrifying youngling language. And she was drunk. I'm fairly certain she was wasted. When she pressed her hideously cat-like stretched out face up to Kristin's and said things about how Kristin should be Brody's girl, very loudly, you could see everyone in the party shift uncomfortably, wishing there were trap doors in the yard that they could open up and disappear into, a series of tunnels and tubes used for getting out of scrapes like the Gummi Bears have. But such things don't exist in California (they don't even have basements there!), so folks just stood and shuffled and coughed and looked at the ground while Brody's mom started going "Ooo, ooo!! Ooo, ooo! Break it down! Brody's mom's in the house!! Brody's mom's gonna get down!!" And then she did a little drunken, plastic-y breakdancing routine that hurt everyone's feelings and eventually her husband came out with the snow shovel and scooped her up and brought her inside. Throughout the rest of the party, the guests could still hear her drunkenly crashing around inside the house, singing the Ghostbusters song but replacing the word "ghostbusters" with a slurry "Brody's mom!"

It was a good thing, then, that the party would soon be over. See, after getting hit in the face with a water balloon and trying to make a minor stink out of it to mask her insane embarrassment, Kristin decided to sound her siren call and invite the boys (and, sigh, the girls too I guess) over for an afterparty at her Malibu crashpad. This pleased everyone. Well, almost everyone. It greatly displeased the Jayde Scorpion. See her ish is that Brody's mom totally lurves Kristin and doesn't really pay any attention to Jayde. And Jayde, being a ridiculous and needy human being, will not tolerate that. So when Kristin coyly suggested the afterparty to Brody, Jayde was all "No, no... We just need to chill, eat some dinner." At first I thought she was being responsible and was saying that everyone needed to sober up before going out on the road, but no, it was just petty jealousy. She doesn't like Kristy and Kristy doesn't like her and Brody sits there in the middle like brologna, loving that these bubbly broads are fighting over him. But eventually he must choose sides, and on that particular occasion he decided to yell at Jayde for being "a bitch" and saying "Go, leave, we don't want you here!" or some mean shit to say to the girl who just planned your fun splishy-splashy birthday party. So everyone left and Jayde was mad and inside you could hear Brody's mom knocking over a table lamp with her sharp chin and saying "My b, y'all! Totes my b, girlfriend..." and then falling down and sleeping on the carpet.

Anyway, I couldn't really tell when any of this happened, but basically Kristin had people over and folks got drunk and there was much talk about Justin Bobby and whatever whatever amen, Brodes was there and he and Kristin chatted all freckle-eyed at each other and maybe something will happen with them this season, unless Jayde decides to kill Kristin first or if the producers stick by their apparent mandate to make Absolutely Nothing happen this season. Seriously, Nothing has happened. Not one thing. Well, OK, last night there was a small event that I found wonderful/telling. The morning after the party, Kristin stumbled downstairs into the living room and was all "Ohhhh my head." And there sitting on the couch was Stacie the Bartender, who nodded sagely and then took a sip from her martini. Yes, Stacie the Bartender was drinking a bright red martini in the living room, the morning after someone's party, by herself. And they're calling Holly a drunk (next week!! so exciting!!)? So that was marvelous and scary and Stacie the Bartender is such a gloop of a human being. Really more air pocket than person. An air pocket that just loves an early-morning pomegranate martini.

Also in this episode: Spencer killed that brain-damaged child who keeps wandering onto his property. Yep, he sent the poor bugger wandering off into the brush to retrieve some golf balls and then, like Jessica Simpson's dog only dumber, a coyote made off with him. Spencer's gourd-like friend guffawed and threw more balls at the kid and two sets of parents just got down on their knees and performed ritual seppuku, so shamed were they by their sons' treatment of a tiny, defenseless, brain-damaged immigrant. Heidi for her part was actually being pretty funny with Spencer, teasing him (but with an undercurrent of deadly seriousness) about having babies and such. You know your season of The Hills is in trouble when Heidi is the most likable thing about it. And speaking of likable vs. unlikable... It's no shock to anyone that my least favorite character on this show is the ridiculous Handbags Pratt, Spencer's bratty and entitled and vastly uninteresting little sister. Well, the girl done got worse last night. Why? Because these days she looks like she took a clothespin and stretched back her face and then injected Cool Whip into her lips for that pillowy look, and then just in general lost some poundage in a dangerous way (back on the meth, most likely). Am I crazy or did she look like she'd lost an insane amount of weight, especially in her face, last night? And those new, bulbous Heidi-lips! Gurglebarf. I can't believe someone let her leave a doctor's office thinking she looked good. She used to have a round face, now it's gaunt and horrible. Nicely done, Handbags.

Now all she needs to do is get drunk and pop out a puffy 26-year-old and she'll be just like Brody's moms. Brody's moms who was seen later, staggering down the Freeway on her way to "a rap concert," swiveling her creaky hips, hooting at cars, softly singing to herself "Whose house? Brody's mom's house! Whose house? Brody's mom's house! Brody's mom says knock you out, boo." Eventually she's picked up by the nursing home van and taken back to her room and given her medicine and she sleeps soundly and dreamlessly, at least for a night.

Oh, so, I should say something about The City, too. Basically the takeaway is this: Roxy is horrible, and so is Olivia. Actually, you know what? Olivia isn't horrible. I mean, she is in the context of how human beings are supposed to act, but right now in the world of the show, the person who is truly horrible is Joe Zee. Lil' Josie is trying to pump up his favorite reality show Pussycat (Olivia) so people will watch and then buy Elle, but in doing so he's completely shitting on his reputation and that of the magazine's. Because Olivia is terrible and lazy at her job, and there's no reason why in the real world she wouldn't be tossed out the window. But it's TV! And she's the star! Was it worth it, Joe? Is the juice worth that squeeze, fool? Listen to that crisp blonde New Erin. She knows from what she speaks. Get rid of Olivia, gracefully back out of the project, leave reality show product tie-ins to the dogs.

Speaking of dogs, Roxy. Roxy is sort of a dog's name! (Roxy was also the fake name of that lady Quinn--also a fake name, I'm pretty sure, no one her age is named Quinn--from Real Housewives of Orange County, who used to put on a wig when she was in Vegas and pretend to be someone else. That someone else was a free-wheelin' party girl named Roxy. It was the saddest thing anyone in the world has ever seen. Sadder than the Sarah McLachlan commercials. Hell, it was a sincere tragedy. On par with the Red Sox postseason.) And she is also the worst new addition to an MTV swirly-girl reality series since Stacie the Horrible Alcoholic Bartender came martini-drinking her way out of the casting couch shadows. Basically Roxy gave Whittlz some really bad advice that she should show her fashion designs to this mean lady at Bergdorg Goodman, and Whitney listened, even though she had promised scary black mama bear Kelly Cutrone that she wouldn't show her stuff to anyone until it was better.

See, 'cause Kelly was worried that Whitney (and by extension Kelly) would look stupid because the fashion drawings were just stick figures standing all flat-faced and waving in front of boxy brick houses, triangles representing dresses, jaunty rectangles for slacks. They were childish and whimsical and wistful because of it, just like Whitney herself. Anyway, Cutrone found out and gave Whitney a good dressing down and totally insulted the stupid Roxy and it was marvelous.

In the closing scene of the show, as Whitney strolled sadly through the west side, clutching her heartbreaking little portfolio, you could see Brody's mom standing in the distance. She was outside of Marquee, shivering and weeping, singing her "My bumps, my bumps, my ample Mommy lumps..." song to herself. And it was beautiful.

Happy Mother's Day.

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