Bring back Andrew Shue.
You guys, I know you might not want to, but we have to talk about Melrose Place. Not the old Melrose Place--that boardinghouse of horrid wine-colored 90s fashions and early TV usage of the word "bitch." That's already been plenty talked about. No, we have to talk about the new version, the one that premieres next week, the one that stars Ashlee Simpson as a mysterious redhead whose only real mystery is the mystery of Why is Ashlee Simpson On a Television Show? Also, why is Costas from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants on this show? Why, in fact, is this show? Just simply, why?
Well, because remakes of trusted properties are easier to launch than completely brand-new ideas. Especially at a network like The CW, which is pretty low on creative talent and needs quick money infusions just to stay alive. So something like the dreadfully opportunistic, painfully forced, and just gratingly unpleasant 90210 reboot (disclosure: enormous, dorky fan of the original) comes along and does mildly OK in the ratings, even though it doesn't get any of the bitchy buzz that its colleague Gossip Girl gets, and the network figures "Great! More please!" And Melrose Place was just absolutely the next logical step. Another Aaron Spelling/Darren Starr adventure. Another excuse to parade around a bunch of wealthy-ish young people who listlessly glide through a big, exciting American city. Fancy cars, movie stars, chic parties, glitz, glamor, etc and etc forever. Except! Except the original Melrose (OK, I guess we are talking about it a little bit) wasn't really about all that.
It was mostly about hilariously ridiculous murder plots and cat-fights. Not about West Coast Samantha Joneses. This particular kind of aspirationalism is pretty new to the '00s, that Hills and Entourage fed yearn towards cynically delicious celebrity, of being fabulous and kinda famous while also being so borrred of being fabulous and kinda famous. Call me an old codger--and, in these shows' worlds, at 26 I really am one--but it all just seems so despairingly hollow and joyless. There's no soul, no sense of humor. Oh sure there are jokes on these shows, but they're all snarky and cold and meant to make us feel jealous. The one-liners sound like what lazy shut-in TV writers think cool people would say; apparently cool people talk in hyperlinked references and sleazy innuendo dressed up as fun wickedness.
Specifics on the new Melrose? It concerns, once again, an apartment building with a central pool in the courtyard. (Has a particular piece of real estate ever served as such a central character in a show that is, otherwise, so uncreative?) The residents are bitchy schemers and sex-pot dreamers, and those are just the girls. The boys are brooding supposed trustafarians. They are a recovering alcoholic whose prime symptom is terminally good looks. And they are, yes, Costas from the pants movie suspiciously being the only one of the dudes to actually play a character, rather than a series of frowns and sex purrs. (He plays a dork. So.)
There's a lady doctor who secretly prostitutes herself to pay for medical school. There's an Ari Gold/Amanda Woodward hybrid who works in publicity (of course) and storms around issuing zingy little bits of braggery and casual insults while, totally unrealistically, pining for Costas. And of course there's Ashlee Simpson. She plays the small town naive redhead who has a secret. Oh! And I should mention. O.G. stars Laura "Sydney" Leighton and Thomas "Michael" Calabro are back as their old characters. Plus, there's a murder. As far as ridiculousness goes, the new MP at least has the balls to go sorta full-tilt boogie with the crazy. (Whereas the new 90210 steps out that way a little bit, but then gets scared and pulls itself back into the safe environs of precariously skinny girls weeping and apple-cheeked prettyboys talking about surfing and feelings.) That's maybe MP's one redeeming quality. I doubt it will last.
Based on what I've seen so far, the rest is brash and cheap and ugly. Which can be OK sometimes. But that the show is also just plain boring. Which is never OK. It's all dull jokes about British bad boy actors who like to talk about their penises. Sigh. And stale stuff with angry restaurant chefs. Fehhhh. Why does everyone have to be the Best and Coolest at what they do? Why does everyone have to be a secret sex fiend? I get the appeal of a trashy primetime soap, but this... This is too calculated to be dumb. It's completely tone deaf. Watching it is like being underwater.
It's like being tossed in the swimming pool. And not in the good way.
"Melrose Place" premieres next Tuesday, 9/8 at 9pm, directly after the "90210" season premiere.
Comments (40)
Bring back "The Beautiful Life"
Sydney did die in the original, but they decided to bring her back anyway only to kill her again in the first 10 minutes. I hope this show gets better, it was kind of boring. But the original took awhile to get going also. Maybe they will have to get Heather Locklear to revive this one also.
Couldn't agree more on the 'boring' of it all. It was so effing dull I was barely still watching when they threw some sort of 'twist' in at the end (with a character that had barely spoken a word through the episode; say what now?). What shocks me more is the really not so bad reviews the show got in the MSM--honestly the only reason I watched (clearly, I should have checked you, Dear Richard, first). How could people find this at all watchable, even in a guilty pleasure way? (RHoNJ is a guilty pleasure. MP is NOT.) Is it nostalgia for the old MP? Good lord why? Why are people nostalgic for something that wasn't very good to begin with? Oh, right: people are nostalgic for the 50s too. Never mind.moreless
Didn't Sydney die in the original MP? I could have sworn she did.
Doesn't look interesting enough for me to watch it.
Will be interesting to see how Ashlee Simpson does and discover just how good an actor she really is.
So is it any good? The new show. Because I don't believe it is. The original MP was very cool.
Heck, that's true. It's sort of like, a redo. Maybe it's better to play it safe, then take a risk in this day. Let's get serious, and raw. We can't change the past, however we don't have to let it hold us back from our tommorrows. Melrose Place, I like the idea of Jess and Nick reuniting. America wants this, so please get them to let loose.
Yes, love to see Jess Simpson on melrose Place.. In fact,she should be the diva undressing all the men.. Now this sister can draw you an audience.. It's a shame dad couldn't take a step back, and make a total amen-ds to Nick.. The return of them as a couple, would blow all ratings up over the sky.. Everyone is relating to daddy dearest, and think he is a control freak..
I love the old Melrose Place and I am curious about the new one.
CW=LAME!!!!!
I just don't understand the reason for all these remakes. The reason the shows ended in the first place was either a)the show had run its course or b)bad ratings due to lack of a good storyline. So what makes people think we want to watch these shows again. If there were any interesting story lines left to explore, the originals would still be on.
I never had any interest to tune into the show and still don't.
I'm not watching this remake...
Ashlee Simpson sucks. Whoever thought she could act and actually cast her in shows should be shot.
I never was interested in seeing the original so I'm not going to start now by seeing the remake.
With some of the old cast members coming back I thin it will be just fine. CW sure didn't do any mid season shows so MP will probably get full season.
Big surprise.
omg! what a shocker... what the heck did you expect??? i dunno if i am gonna laugh or cry... i guess i am gonna laugh this time, hahahahahahaha!
sorry, not to be mean, but it seems like everything you write about you hate and criticize. other than this review, i've actually heard in many other places that this remake is not too bad actually, and has a coherent plot and some decent acting.
this train wreck is gunna derail
How long will this train wreck last?
what's really sad is that supernatural is litterally the only original show on that channel. even smallville is based off of something.even worse, supernatural's last season is about to start, and then, were stuck with this crap.
Great Article!!!!
you just watch, when this fails they are gonna try and bring back the anti-MP/90210 which should be Freaks And Geeks... And then I'll be real mad!!!
I am done with the CW constantly bringing back remakes! I think I only watched 5 minutes of the first episode of the new 90210 and that was it, there is no way I'm going to watch Melrose Place. Why can't the CW actually have original tv shows?
The reason the original was so successful was because it pushed the envelope as to what was acceptable on TV at the time. It had sex, and violence and murder and drugs. It showed all of it in detail which was not seen before that. But now, that type of stuff is everywhere. It's common place now. If this version is the same as the old one, it will not last because it will be too common. It is going to have to really push the envelope again which I'm not sure it can do without going beyond censorship.
i think it'll be entertainingly awful. No need to trash it TV.com
i never will go within a miles to this.
i cant wait for Melrose Place. and I like the fact that 90210 steps out and shocks viewers then steps back for a few episodes. no teenager is gonna constantly have issues. plus yay for Ashlee Simpson!!! nad yay for Jessica Lucas who had a brief role on 90210. She plays a girl named riley on MP but on 90210 she played Kimberly who is a cop. i hope Lucas is playing Kimberly disguised as Riley.
Remakes are almost as easy a way out for the nets as "Reality" programming. Where did the imagination go for the supposed "imagination industry"??...
Were you all expecting Shakespeare or something. Of course it's trash.
give it a break. just watch more of it later on. one episode shouldn't be judged by making this show "so bad" ...i'm still watching either way
I was looking foward to this til I heard Ashlee Simpson was on, You are right, why should she be on a show, I am skipping this one just cause Ashlee is in it.
The pool needs more camera time.
I could of told you it was junk!
And if one does not appreciate the stupendous snark that is Richard Lawson, then you should just not read it.
He has already seen the pilot angrodpallanen. Who better to pass judgement?
I'm gonna give it a try who knows it may end up being good. Can't really judge something until you see it.
Besides being really good at trashing tv-shows while still sounding intellectual, I think you're kind of too negative to even bother watching. Just don't tune in if you have that faith about it, it'd be easier for everyone. I agree on everything being said and the CW being shallow and holding shows back from ever creating anything honest and real, but from what I've heard (of course I haven't seen anything), this show can be interesting. Plus if you're fan of the crazy and over-the-top ridicule storylines, this might actually work.