The Scariest Movies on Cable This Week (Halloween Week Edition)

Bad news. There are no scary movies on cable this week. Halloween was cancelled.

Sorry.

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… Haha! Just kidding! Halloween isn't cancelled at all! It's this Sunday and there are a ton of scary movies on. Come on, guy. So gullible.

This week there will be so much horror on cable that you won't be able to channel surf without seeing a beheading, so here's a handy guide to the scary movies that are actually good.

Note: I've made an effort to list HD broadcasts, because it's 2010 and you deserve it. Check local listings to confirm Standard Def airtimes.

THE MANY LIVES OF MICHAEL MEYERS

Halloween

Sunday October 31 at 5:00am on AMC HD
This is the finest boogeyman horror film ever made, and since boogeyman horror is the best kind of horror, this is the best horror film ever made. Take a hike The Shining. Suck an egg, The Exorcist.

Halloween II

Sunday October 31 at 7:00am on AMC HD
This sequel is basically a lame cash-in on the '80s slasher genre introduced by Halloween but made blockbuster by its rip-off Friday the 13th. Two things though… it picks up one minute after the first film ends (which is pretty neat), and also it very definitively kills off both Michael Myers and Dr. Loomis. Oh well, franchise over! Let's all sit down and turn our backs on it, it will definitely not resurrect and stab us.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Tonight at 5:00pm & 9:15pm on AMC HD
This movie is nuts. There's no Michael Myers, but there is an evil Halloween mask company whose TV ads turn children's heads into snakes and bugs, much like the current Disney Channel lineup.

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers

Tonight at 7:15pm, Wednesday October 27 at 3:00pm & Sunday October 31 at 11:00am on AMC HD
Whoops, Michael Myers and Dr. Loomis weren't as dead as we thought. They tussle over a now-deceased Laurie's daughter in this surprisingly strong entry.

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers

Wednesday October 27 at 5:00pm & Sunday October 31 at 1:00pm on AMC HD
This movie is utter B.S. Not only is it garbage, it undoes the cool ending of pt.4 (in which the little girl murders her step-mother TO DEATH as though possessed by Michael Myers). So, this one is for completionists only.

Halloween 6

Friday October 29 at 4:00pm on FX HD
Not even a young Paul Rudd can save this truly terrible but fascinatingly watchable sequel. Michael Myers is under the control of an Irish cult? Fair enough.

Halloween H20: 20 Years Later

Friday October 29 at 9:00pm on FX HD
The franchise brings back Jamie Lee Curtis, adds Michelle Williams, pretends parts 3 - 6 never happened, and gets a Kevin Williamson '90s slasher makeover. It's pretty neat. Also, check out the Janet Leigh cameo.

Halloween: Resurrection

Friday October 29 at 9:00pm on FX HD
Battlestar Galactica's Katee Sackhoff is in this piece of trash, which the only remotely interesting thing about this movie. Otherwise, it's hard to describe how loathsome this film is, so I'm gonna go eat candy instead.

Halloween (Remake)

Saturday October 30 at 8:55pm on Spike
See how Rob Zombie completely misses the point of the original by incorporating the worst story innovation of Halloween 2 (that Laurie is Michael's sister). Quick question: is Rob Zombie still in jail for his Halloween films, or is he out on parole yet?

GOOD STUFF

Scream 2

Wednesday October 27 at 2:00am on TBS HD
As great as the Drew Barrymore scene was in part 1, I think I prefer Jada Pinkett-Smith's movie theater death better as far as nightmare scenarios go. Nobody helps her!

The Strangers

Wednesday October 27 at 8:00pm, Thursday October 28 at 6:00pm, Saturday October 30 at 7:00pm & Sunday October 31 at 5:00pm on FX HD
For my money, this is the best modern horror film of the past few years.

I Know What You Did Last Summer

Friday October 29 at 2:00am on TBS HD
This is easily the best teen slasher movie ever based on a Lois Duncan "novel."

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

Friday October 29 at 12:30pm on FX HD
Spoiler alert: Brandy does not die. On the upside, I guess Jack Black is in this?

The Faculty

Saturday October 30 at 7:00am on FX HD
Remember this movie? Were movies just better in the 90s? Don't answer that. But yeah this teen Body Snatchers riff was fun.

Holla

Saturday October 30 at 9:00pm on BET
An actress gets chased by a stalker in the woods. I don't know what this is, but with that title and on that channel, you can count me in.

The Grudge

Saturday October 30 at 11:00pm on MTV2
Is it just me or is the Japanese lady ghost fad seem a little bit racial? So the heroines can be cute white chicks, but the ghosts must be Japanese ladies? I don't know. Maybe I'll write a grad school dissertation on it.

Dawn of the Dead (Remake)

Sunday October 31 at 5:00pm on AMC HD
Tune in for the stellar first ten minutes, stick around for the unnecessarily good remainder.

The Evil Dead

Sunday October 31 at 6:00pm on Chiller
Hey horror nerds, here's our movie.

The Ruins

Sunday October 31 at 7:00pm on FX HD
If you love to see American tourists be systematically eviscerated by plants, this is the (surprisingly terrific!) movie for you.

Poltergeist

Sunday October 31 at 8:30pm on TCM
Unpaved swimming pool corpses. Closet tentacles. Clown dolls.

The Return of the Living Dead

Sunday October 31 at 8:30pm on Chiller
This fast-zombie movie was truly ahead of its time. Plus, you haven't lived until you witness the poignant scene where a talking zombie (!) explains that she needs to eat brains to ease the pain of being dead.

The House of the Devil

Monday November 1 at 2:00am on MTV
Halloween doesn't have to end at midnight. If you're still awake on a sugar high, check out this extremely slow but extremelly awesome '80s throwback. Remember how HUGE Walkmans were back then?

Happy haunting, ya'll!