Someone must've forgotten to close up that backyard hell pit because things are really starting to heat up! We've made it to week three of the Halloween season and our favorite cable channels have begun to brandish their big guns: monster classics, beloved franchises (hi, Jason!) and best of all, big budget trash featuring our favorite TV stars (Jason Stackhouse fights puppets!).
What follows are the best horror movies airing on cable this week. We've categorized them into a few different subgenres, so regardless of your particular horror tastes, you're bound to find a delicious flavor below.
Note: I've made an effort to list HD broadcasts, because it's 2010 and you deserve it. Check local listings to confirm Standard Def airtimes.
Wednesday October 20 at 5:45am & 11:45am on IFC HD
George C. Scott
teams up with a ghost boy to solve a murder. Co-starring the World's Creepiest Wheelchair.
Picnic at Hanging Rock
Wednesday October 20 at 3:00am & 9:30am on IFC HD
A group of Australian girls and their teacher mysteriously vanish during a field trip. Imagine Sofia Coppola directing a segment on Unsolved Mysteries.
Thursday October 21 at 9:30am on AMC HD
This is the original Kubrick masterpiece. But do you remember that awful TV remake from the '90s? Ugh, that miniseries was like a walnut in your Trick-or-Treat bag.
The Wicker Man
Thursday October 21 at 9:00pm on IFC HD
This is also the original version (sorry, Nicolas Cage-camp fans!) In my opinion, more horror films should feature a mystical musical number halfway through.
OLD SCHOOL MONSTERS
Bram Stoker's Dracula
Thursday October 21 at 7:00am on AMC HD
Francis Ford Coppola's version of the Bram Stoker novel features the most frightening accent Keanu Reeves
has ever attempted.
Saturday October 23 at 7:00am on AMC HD
Boris Karloff wears the least imaginative Halloween costume ever. What's next? Sexy Black Cat: The Movie?
Saturday October 23 at 8:45am on AMC HD
Bela Lugosi stars as a transylvanian with a drinking problem.
The Wolf Man
Sunday October 24 at 3:15am on AMC HD
Lon Chaney Jr. stars as the titular businessman with body hair issues.
Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman
Sunday October 24 at 5:00am on AMC HD
Bela Lugosi (playing Frankenstein for some reason) hangs out with Lon Chaney's Wolf Man and they basically just get high and bicker.
Sunday October 24 at 9:00pm on TCM
The original silent film, starring a time traveling Andy Rooney
DON'T GO CAMPING
Friday the 13th Part 3-D
Tonight 5:00pm on AMC HD
In addition to the overly long shots of objects approaching the camera, this movie also features a middle-aged African-American biker gang and the original debut of Jason's iconic hockey mask.
Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter
Tonight 7:15pm & Wednesday October 20 at 3:00pm on AMC HD
Surprisingly good! A young Crispin Glover and his friends attempt to vacation by the lake. After Jason arrives and commits some pretty serious party fouls, a young Corey Feldman
decides to intervene.
Friday the 13th: A New Beginning
Wednesday October 20 at 5:00pm & 9:00pm on AMC HD
Everyone hates this one. First of all, it's terrible. Secondly, it features a movie-ruining twist. I won't spoil it for you. Just kidding, I will: Jason never appears in this movie. It's just some guy pretending to be him.
Friday the 13th, Part VI: Jason Lives
Wednesday October 20 at 7:00pm & Thursday October 21 at 3:00pm on AMC HD
Also surprisingly good! The even-numbered sequel rule from Star Trek pretty much applies to this franchise as well. A back-to-basics Friday film that actually features campers! This is also the first movie which acknowledges that Jason is officially a zombie now.
Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood
Thursday October 21 at 5:00pm & 9:15pm on AMC HD
This movie is plain ridiculous. Basically Jason battles a girl with magical powers and then her dead dad shows up.
Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan
Thursday October 21 at 7:00pm & Friday October 22 at 2:45pm on AMC HD
You haven't lived until you've seen Jason punch a man's head clear off his neck (which happens during Jason's brief 10-minute trip into Manhattan).
Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday
Friday October 22 at 5:00pm & Saturday October 23 at 3:00pm on AMC HD
Your mind will boggle before it finally numbs. This movie is bull-honkey. At some point someone decided to make Jason into a Freddy Krueger-esque supernatural demon. And then dozens of people signed off on it. Great job, everyone!
Tonight 6:00pm & 9:00pm on Chiller
Here's a truly weird horror classic about the Tall Man, his flying metal spheres, and his army of interdimensional dwarves. Okay I guess it's not really weird at all.
Tonight 8:00pm, Wednesday October 20 at 5:00pm, Sunday October 24 at 9:00pm on FX HD
A party of hip, young 20-somethings is thankfully interrupted by something much more appealing.
Saturday October 23 at 12:00pm & Sunday October 24 at 8:00am on FX HD
God makes His slasher film debut in this film about airplane survivors who are apparently nothing more than human-shaped blood balloons.
The Midnight Meat Train
Sunday October 24 at 10:00am on SyFy HD
Even if you've read the Clive Barker short story this is based on, you'll still be shocked and amazed by how gross this is. But it's surprisingly good!
28 Days Later
Sunday October 24 at 5:00pm on AMC HD
If you love terrific movies with boring, heavy-handed third acts, this Danny Boyle classic is for you.
When a Stranger Calls
Thursday October 21 at 4:00pm & Friday October 22 at 8:00am on FX HD
This is one of the rare remakes that only remakes the first ten minutes of the original.
House of Wax
Friday October 22 at 7:00pm & 11:30pm on AMC HD
's Jared Padalecki
stars in this surprisingly good riff on Texas Chainsaw Massacre (not so much the original House of Wax). The melting house finale has to be seen to be believed.
Friday October 22 at 9:00pm on USA HD
Wait, are people still picking up hitchhikers? Haven't they seen movies about this sort of thing?
Friday October 22 at 9:00pm & Saturday October 23 at 4:00pm on FX HD
Nothing can beat the original's ten-minute arm dancing disco sequence, but oh well.
Tonight at 11:15pm & Wednesday October 20 at 1:00pm on AMC HD
's Tony Shalhoub
should try and limit his ghost friends to like ten. Ten seems alright. Or maybe eleven ghosts at most. But anymore than say, twelve ghosts, and he's just asking for trouble.
Wednesday October 20 at 10:00am & Thursday October 21 at 8:00am on FX HD
thinks he hears "Paul is dead" while listening to his hi-fi.
Wednesday October 20 at 11:00am on AMC HD
A group of students fall prey to their own nightmares. Featuring the Wes Craven
Stamp of Quality. [Note: do not trust this stamp].
Exorcist: The Beginning
Friday October 22 at 6:00am on AMC HD
Renny Harlin, director of Nightmare on Elm Street 4 and The Covenant, brings a classy touch to this prequel to one of horror's most treasured classics.
The Hills Have Eyes 2
Friday October 22 at 9:00pm on IFC HD
90210's Jessica Stroup has a terrible time in the desert. Featuring the Wes Craven
Stamp of Quality.
Friday October 22 at 9:30pm on AMC HD
Jason Stackhouse (True Blood's Ryan Kwanten
) pretends to be smarter in this awful ventriloquist dummy disaster of a movie.
Friday October 22 at 11:30pm on TCM
Tentacles find guys and girls at old mine. (Actual TimeWarner description)
Night of the Lepus
Saturday October 23 at 1:15am on TCM
You will not be scared. You will laugh--very hard--as giant rabbits paw people to death.
House on Haunted Hill
Saturday October 23 at 7:30pm & Sunday October 24 at 10:45am on AMC HD
Geoffrey Rush leads an all-star cast in this stupid but surprisingly entertaining haunted house flick. It's too bad the final boss is just a Rorschach blot, but oh well.
Return to House on Haunted Hill
Saturday October 23 at 9:30pm & Sunday October 24 at 12:45pm on AMC HD
Sequel to the above, except completely unfun. Amanda Righetti
turns down no parts.
Sunday October 24 at 6:00am on SyFy HD
's Barry Watson
helps usher in an awful era of PG-13 horror. So next time you get mad about the torture porn genre, just remember that it basically arose in reaction to this movie.
The Brotherhood 2: Young Warlocks
Friday October 22 at 4:00am on LOGO
Logo jumps into the horror fray with a very specialized microgenre: homoerotic horror. This David DeCoteau classic stars Never Back Down's Sean Faris
as a frequently shirtless dude.
Friday October 22 at 10:00am on FX HD
's Chase Crawford and Friday Night Lights
' Taylor Kitsch
star in this thoughtful documentary about male witches.
Saturday October 23 at 6:00am on LOGO
A rare low-budget slasher exclusively featuring gay guys, it's also surprisingly scary.
Jeepers Creepers 2
Sunday October 24 at 7:45pm on AMC HD
Victor Salva's follow up to Jeepers Creepers brings at least two innovations: the subtraction of Justin Long
and the addition of a half-naked basketball team.
MADE FOR TV
My Super Psycho Sweet Sixteen
Friday October 22 at 10:00am on MTV
You know, it's pretty rare that a cable channel endeavors to create its own slasher film. This one might not be an amazing film, but I think we should all support this practice.
My Super Psycho Sweet 16: Part 2
Friday October 22 at 10:00pm, Saturday October 23 at 12:00am & 4:00pm, Sunday October 24 at 2:00am on MTV
Do you think we'll get one of these every year? Fingers crossed!
SEQUELS TO LEPRECHAUN 5: IN THE HOOD
Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood
Thursday October 21 at 1:00pm & Friday October 22 at 1:00am on BET
Do you really need a reason?
Happy haunting, ya'll!