Someone must've forgotten to close up that backyard hell pit because things are really starting to heat up! We've made it to week three of the Halloween season and our favorite cable channels have begun to brandish their big guns: monster classics, beloved franchises (hi, Jason!) and best of all, big budget trash featuring our favorite TV stars (Jason Stackhouse fights puppets!).
What follows are the best horror movies airing on cable this week. We've categorized them into a few different subgenres, so regardless of your particular horror tastes, you're bound to find a delicious flavor below.
Note: I've made an effort to list HD broadcasts, because it's 2010 and you deserve it. Check local listings to confirm Standard Def airtimes.
CLASSY HORROR
The Changeling
Wednesday October 20 at 5:45am & 11:45am on IFC HDGeorge C. Scott teams up with a ghost boy to solve a murder. Co-starring the World's Creepiest Wheelchair.
Picnic at Hanging Rock
Wednesday October 20 at 3:00am & 9:30am on IFC HDA group of Australian girls and their teacher mysteriously vanish during a field trip. Imagine Sofia Coppola directing a segment on Unsolved Mysteries.
The Shining
Thursday October 21 at 9:30am on AMC HDThis is the original Kubrick masterpiece. But do you remember that awful TV remake from the '90s? Ugh, that miniseries was like a walnut in your Trick-or-Treat bag.
The Wicker Man
Thursday October 21 at 9:00pm on IFC HDThis is also the original version (sorry, Nicolas Cage-camp fans!) In my opinion, more horror films should feature a mystical musical number halfway through.
OLD SCHOOL MONSTERS
Bram Stoker's Dracula
Thursday October 21 at 7:00am on AMC HDFrancis Ford Coppola's version of the Bram Stoker novel features the most frightening accent Keanu Reeves has ever attempted.
Frankenstein
Saturday October 23 at 7:00am on AMC HDBoris Karloff wears the least imaginative Halloween costume ever. What's next? Sexy Black Cat: The Movie?
Dracula
Saturday October 23 at 8:45am on AMC HDBela Lugosi stars as a transylvanian with a drinking problem.
The Wolf Man
Sunday October 24 at 3:15am on AMC HDLon Chaney Jr. stars as the titular businessman with body hair issues.
Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman
Sunday October 24 at 5:00am on AMC HDBela Lugosi (playing Frankenstein for some reason) hangs out with Lon Chaney's Wolf Man and they basically just get high and bicker.
Nosferatu
Sunday October 24 at 9:00pm on TCMThe original silent film, starring a time traveling Andy Rooney.
DON'T GO CAMPING
Friday the 13th Part 3-D
Tonight 5:00pm on AMC HDIn addition to the overly long shots of objects approaching the camera, this movie also features a middle-aged African-American biker gang and the original debut of Jason's iconic hockey mask.
Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter
Tonight 7:15pm & Wednesday October 20 at 3:00pm on AMC HDSurprisingly good! A young Crispin Glover and his friends attempt to vacation by the lake. After Jason arrives and commits some pretty serious party fouls, a young Corey Feldman decides to intervene.
Friday the 13th: A New Beginning
Wednesday October 20 at 5:00pm & 9:00pm on AMC HDEveryone hates this one. First of all, it's terrible. Secondly, it features a movie-ruining twist. I won't spoil it for you. Just kidding, I will: Jason never appears in this movie. It's just some guy pretending to be him.
Friday the 13th, Part VI: Jason Lives
Wednesday October 20 at 7:00pm & Thursday October 21 at 3:00pm on AMC HDAlso surprisingly good! The even-numbered sequel rule from Star Trek pretty much applies to this franchise as well. A back-to-basics Friday film that actually features campers! This is also the first movie which acknowledges that Jason is officially a zombie now.
Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood
Thursday October 21 at 5:00pm & 9:15pm on AMC HDThis movie is plain ridiculous. Basically Jason battles a girl with magical powers and then her dead dad shows up.
Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan
Thursday October 21 at 7:00pm & Friday October 22 at 2:45pm on AMC HDYou haven't lived until you've seen Jason punch a man's head clear off his neck (which happens during Jason's brief 10-minute trip into Manhattan).
Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday
Friday October 22 at 5:00pm & Saturday October 23 at 3:00pm on AMC HDYour mind will boggle before it finally numbs. This movie is bull-honkey. At some point someone decided to make Jason into a Freddy Krueger-esque supernatural demon. And then dozens of people signed off on it. Great job, everyone!
NEWISH CLASSICS
Phantasm
Tonight 6:00pm & 9:00pm on ChillerHere's a truly weird horror classic about the Tall Man, his flying metal spheres, and his army of interdimensional dwarves. Okay I guess it's not really weird at all.
Cloverfield
Tonight 8:00pm, Wednesday October 20 at 5:00pm, Sunday October 24 at 9:00pm on FX HDA party of hip, young 20-somethings is thankfully interrupted by something much more appealing.
Final Destination
Saturday October 23 at 12:00pm & Sunday October 24 at 8:00am on FX HDGod makes His slasher film debut in this film about airplane survivors who are apparently nothing more than human-shaped blood balloons.
The Midnight Meat Train
Sunday October 24 at 10:00am on SyFy HDEven if you've read the Clive Barker short story this is based on, you'll still be shocked and amazed by how gross this is. But it's surprisingly good!
28 Days Later
Sunday October 24 at 5:00pm on AMC HDIf you love terrific movies with boring, heavy-handed third acts, this Danny Boyle classic is for you.
REMAKES
When a Stranger Calls
Thursday October 21 at 4:00pm & Friday October 22 at 8:00am on FX HDThis is one of the rare remakes that only remakes the first ten minutes of the original.
House of Wax
Friday October 22 at 7:00pm & 11:30pm on AMC HDSupernatural's Jared Padalecki stars in this surprisingly good riff on Texas Chainsaw Massacre (not so much the original House of Wax). The melting house finale has to be seen to be believed.
The Hitcher
Friday October 22 at 9:00pm on USA HDWait, are people still picking up hitchhikers? Haven't they seen movies about this sort of thing?
Prom Night
Friday October 22 at 9:00pm & Saturday October 23 at 4:00pm on FX HDNothing can beat the original's ten-minute arm dancing disco sequence, but oh well.
DUMB FUN
Thirteen Ghosts
Tonight at 11:15pm & Wednesday October 20 at 1:00pm on AMC HDMonk's Tony Shalhoub should try and limit his ghost friends to like ten. Ten seems alright. Or maybe eleven ghosts at most. But anymore than say, twelve ghosts, and he's just asking for trouble.
White Noise
Wednesday October 20 at 10:00am & Thursday October 21 at 8:00am on FX HDMichael Keaton thinks he hears "Paul is dead" while listening to his hi-fi.
They
Wednesday October 20 at 11:00am on AMC HDA group of students fall prey to their own nightmares. Featuring the Wes Craven Stamp of Quality. [Note: do not trust this stamp].
Exorcist: The Beginning
Friday October 22 at 6:00am on AMC HDRenny Harlin, director of Nightmare on Elm Street 4 and The Covenant, brings a classy touch to this prequel to one of horror's most treasured classics.
The Hills Have Eyes 2
Friday October 22 at 9:00pm on IFC HD90210's Jessica Stroup has a terrible time in the desert. Featuring the Wes Craven Stamp of Quality.
Dead Silence
Friday October 22 at 9:30pm on AMC HDJason Stackhouse (True Blood's Ryan Kwanten) pretends to be smarter in this awful ventriloquist dummy disaster of a movie.
The Boogens
Friday October 22 at 11:30pm on TCMTentacles find guys and girls at old mine. (Actual TimeWarner description)
Night of the Lepus
Saturday October 23 at 1:15am on TCMYou will not be scared. You will laugh--very hard--as giant rabbits paw people to death.
House on Haunted Hill
Saturday October 23 at 7:30pm & Sunday October 24 at 10:45am on AMC HDGeoffrey Rush leads an all-star cast in this stupid but surprisingly entertaining haunted house flick. It's too bad the final boss is just a Rorschach blot, but oh well.
Return to House on Haunted Hill
Saturday October 23 at 9:30pm & Sunday October 24 at 12:45pm on AMC HDSequel to the above, except completely unfun. Amanda Righetti turns down no parts.
Boogeyman
Sunday October 24 at 6:00am on SyFy HD7th Heaven's Barry Watson helps usher in an awful era of PG-13 horror. So next time you get mad about the torture porn genre, just remember that it basically arose in reaction to this movie.
HOMOEROTIC HORROR
The Brotherhood 2: Young Warlocks
Friday October 22 at 4:00am on LOGOLogo jumps into the horror fray with a very specialized microgenre: homoerotic horror. This David DeCoteau classic stars Never Back Down's Sean Faris as a frequently shirtless dude.
The Covenant
Friday October 22 at 10:00am on FX HDGossip Girl's Chase Crawford and Friday Night Lights' Taylor Kitsch star in this thoughtful documentary about male witches.
Hellbent
Saturday October 23 at 6:00am on LOGOA rare low-budget slasher exclusively featuring gay guys, it's also surprisingly scary.
Jeepers Creepers 2
Sunday October 24 at 7:45pm on AMC HDVictor Salva's follow up to Jeepers Creepers brings at least two innovations: the subtraction of Justin Long and the addition of a half-naked basketball team.
MADE FOR TV
My Super Psycho Sweet Sixteen
Friday October 22 at 10:00am on MTVYou know, it's pretty rare that a cable channel endeavors to create its own slasher film. This one might not be an amazing film, but I think we should all support this practice.
My Super Psycho Sweet 16: Part 2
Friday October 22 at 10:00pm, Saturday October 23 at 12:00am & 4:00pm, Sunday October 24 at 2:00am on MTVDo you think we'll get one of these every year? Fingers crossed!
SEQUELS TO LEPRECHAUN 5: IN THE HOOD
Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood
Thursday October 21 at 1:00pm & Friday October 22 at 1:00am on BETDo you really need a reason?
Happy haunting, ya'll!
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